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Relationships

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3 replies

pregancy123 · 16/04/2019 16:23

Relationship advice?

I think I need to completely open to someone but unfortunately I can't do that with anyone whom I'm close with.

I've been with my fiancée for 4 and half years. At first things have been really great, although I always remained distant contact with a ex boyfriend. It first started because we purely couldn't avoid each other - we was in the same lectures. We always had a flirty relationship even after we split up. We mainly broke up because to be totally honest we was so young. It's been 5 years since we split now.

Then we would see each other on nights out and since then he has moved away to a city where he works. He had remained contact with me, sometimes messaging. Although he picks and chooses when he wants to speak.

I can openly ask about his love life ( although I think part of me knows he won't have anyone else or at-least wouldn't tell me)

And he will never ask how me and my partner are doing, my partner now has not been a saint but defo a respectable loving partner. He's so supportive although I just not sure we have a spark. He doesn't even try to rekindle things and sometimes I feel like he doesn't truly know " me"

This could be caused by the fact we have had 3 miscarriages in the last year. This has caused major disagreements and upset. We both try to be positive but I have more of the we only live once attitude and tbh my ex doesn't. He's also slightly older than me so is very happy to settle ( being a mum is all I ever wanted but I feel it's totally out of reach). So I just feel like giving up on it.

my ex looked after himself incredibly well and my partner makes very unhealthy decisions in respects of what he eats and smokes ( although we have been advised he changed that to help the chances of a healthy pregnancy, he doesn't and it drives me crazy). I think because my ex did it so easily it drives me nuts with my current partner that he can't do it, even for the sake of a baby.

Me and my partner have so much together, but I don't even think he realises he's losing me. He's been very short with me since the miscarriages and telling me I'm a horrible person as sometimes I felt he didn't understand what my body had gone through.

I'd be resting just days after surgery and he would tell me I needed to get up and help cleaning.

We have only gone out in the last two years if I suggest it and normally it takes me crying before he agrees to go on a date. I'm only 23 I just want to feel young and loved. Maybe I'm craving that young love feeling?

My ex no's nothing of this and really was my first love. He honestly broke my heart so much and when my now partner came along he sorta sweeped me off my feet.

I've seen my ex out a few times and although we only catch eyes, I think we both know we need to speak in person. There was a lot unsaid and done when we broke at the tender age of 18.
We was all we ever knew as we had been together since we was 14. I've tried telling him that we need to cut contact and we did for a long time, but then a family member of his passed and i felt I had to pay my respects and offer support.

Do I cut all ties? I know one day we will have too, but I just don't know how or when? How do I approach this with him?

My partner I'm with now does know we have some contact but I can't be completely honest with him how I'm feeling because I'm not to sure myself? I've always been so sure of my current partner and recently I'm just feeling not so sure?!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/04/2019 16:31

I think you have at least two separate issues going on here.

You don't sound happy with your current boyfriend at all. And to be honest I'm not surprised. He's unsympathetic, unsupportive and refuses to do anything about his life choices to help improve your chances of a healthy pregnancy.

And yet the ex... you don't seem to be romantically attached to him or jealous of his current love life. Are you sure you're not just viewing him as a potential sperm donor?

You're only 23. You have plenty of time. Why not just be single for a while and work out what you actually want in a partner/relationship?

Pinkybutterfly · 16/04/2019 16:47

I would meet your ex and talk through things. Whatever you choose you need to kick out Ur dp.

pregancy123 · 16/04/2019 17:18

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy @Pinkybutterfly thank you both for your reply's.

My current partner I've always been happy with until these miscarriages. Sometimes I have felt like maybe he just really doesn't care but he insists he does and my family love him to bits. I've recently had problems with his family too and I disagree with a lot of their beliefs. They can be very harsh with their views ( especially me and the way I've dealt with the miscarriages). It's easy to admit I've struggled now. He never says anything so often I'm sat sorta wondering if he really cares. I think he just doesn't like confrontation.

I'm scared to hurt him, I truly believe he thinks I'll never leave. The sad thing is we have been each other's motivation and have recently bought our dream home, we renovated 3 houses and I know none of this would of been possible without him.. I'm scared I'm going to lose my whole current life for the sake of temporary feelings. I'm not sure if I should sit back and see if he makes a effort?

I also feel guilty as I know he has done so much for me, but I never cared about anything other than his time and made that clear to him, he just doesn't stop working.

My ex is someone who always seems to know one way or another how to get my attention. Even if I cut him out for months. He may pop up with a quick question and I reply. I'm defo not looking at him as a sperm donor! I want my children to have a caring dad in their life and I know full well he wouldn't be ready for that. His career certainly wouldn't allow it.

If I wanted children I want them with my current partner. I guess I just wish he showed we much attention and love and interest as my ex does !

I understand I'm only 23, constantly reminding myself that. But I also know that my chances of having children are already slim and will get slimmer as I get older. ( this isn't made up in my head, I've been told. I have other complications other than reoccurring miscarriages)

Then again, the fact we currently aren't even talking baby's or thinking baby's I do feel a huge relief? It's odd.. this is something I wanted so badly till having to have my surgery. I'm not to sure if the fact I'm not in pain anymore makes me feel like I don't want to go through all that pain again.

I just feel I have a lot to lose if I leave my current partner. Our home, dog, even my job. My whole life would change and I'm not sure I'm ready for that? I'm also petrified, my ex will get wind that we aren't together and come giving me the attention I feel I need. The problem is I know it's not off him I need it! He broke my heart and I'd never let him do that again!

Maybe we do need to meet but how do I do this without my partner being upset? Because I really feel he will believe it's for the fact I want him back.

I'm so scared to break my current partners heart because before these miscarriages he honestly was a great partner ( hence why we was engaged)

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