Hi,
I would like some advice (positive and constructive where possible) on addressing my feelings of resentment and jealousy and hurt around my family of origin.
I feel that my child and I are treated unfairly in our family, I have said some hurtful things to some family members which I feel shame around but also after a lifelong pattern of swallowing my feelings and seeing them make rash and selfish decisions that affect everyone around them seemingly just to get attention or not be left out. I have also made some poor choices but have done ok for myself (professional career, post grad qualifications, have bought a house of my own which I will move into into around 12 months, have ended an abusive relationship and am raising my child as an entirely sole parent. My son also has some special needs (possible ADHD/sensory processing).
I feel that I am made to feel guilty about the consequences of the other family members life choices and manipulated into feeling sorry for them or helping in ways I don’t have the capacity to. I feel like I am shamed and judged for pursuing a professional career and that somehow that means I owe my family something. There are snipey comments about how it must be nice to have a cushy office job and what do I actually do all day? I work long hours 3 days a week and have my son 99.9 % of the time otherwise (haven’t had a night off in almost 4 years!) I work very hard at my job and enjoy it, and invested a lot of time and resources into getting the required training.
There is also a lot of nastiness towards my child, particularly in terms i his weight, food preferences, activity levels and cultural background. There is obvious differences in the way my family members children are treated and my son is often told off/shamed about his behaviour and compared with his cousins. They are young like him but have made really nasty comments to him like his father doesn’t love him and he is naughty, he doesn’t have a house whereas they have two (parents separated).
My niece is staying with my parents tonight and the way that she is treated by my mum is very different to my son - they went to get their nails done and had a nice afternoon together, mum made a massive fuss over her for dinner and is sleeping in her bed tonight. My son goes to childcare and my mum has made it clear she does not do night babysitting for me despite being an entirely sole parent. She has never put my son to bed and when she looks after him it is very much as a favour rather than enjoying her grandchild. She allows my niece and nephew to bully my son at times and when I have set boundaries with them I have been told that is not my place.
I know that I have said some hurtful things that have contributed to damaged relationships and am grateful that my parents do help me out, but I feel angry and unheard in terms of my needs and perspectives/boundaries, I feel like I am only valued if I am propping up my other family members and I have to apologise or explain my choices.
I know the answer is to move on and distance myself, I know that whether my mother prefers my other sibling and her kids (and she has made it very clear that she does prefer them over a very long period of time) is not a reflection of my worth, but it still hurts!