Children of alcoholics and depressed parents, do you have an issue with your spouse drinking alcohol?

[CaptainDamaged]

Inspired by a recent thread I saw on here about the same topic. I’m scared how much it resonated with me so wondering if I’m actually the problem in relationships not the other person.

Grew up with two alcoholic parents, father was physically violent to my mum as well as extremely threatening and scary to us as children. We saw all of their fights and were often on the sidelines screaming crying for them to stop, I even remember seeing my dad break my mums nose. As well as this my mum would disappear for weeks on end having affairs and so would my dad. One time while my dad was abroad for work she brought a man home and had sex with him while we sat outside her bedroom door crying. I remember my brother opening the bedroom door and screaming at the man to get out, we saw everything. I never really had a loving moment with either parents, I remember feeling like I couldn’t open up to them because I found it embarrassing. I have no contact with my dad now but my mum has been sober for many years and we are very close.

I’ve had two bad relationships, one with a violent alcoholic man who cheated on me after I had a miscarriage and right before our wedding.

The current one is the father to my child who goes on benders and is really nasty with words. His most recent things include:

-everyone tried to warn me off you before we started dating

• I’m the best you’re ever going to get
• no one else will ever put up with you
• Told my mum I’m not living in reality and am mentally unhinged because I have ppd and get severely anxious about him getting drunk because it always leads to fights.

I’m now wondering if my ex’s have the problem With alcohol or maybe it’s just me? My first ex drank everyday and would punch holes in walls, hide bottles of vodka, kick me out in the middle of the night but I’m wondering if this was all down to me trying to change him, I just wanted him to get better. We made so many different things like “he would only drink 4 times a week” or “just beer and wine no spirits” but every night it was the same.

Current partner doesn’t drink everyday but will go for benders lasting between 1-3 days. He will start fights and get nasty so that he can go to his mums house and continue. He’s not a very nice drunk, he admitted this himself, but now I’m wondering if it’s me being anxious about him drinking because of my upbringing? Maybe I am the one with the issue. He says every other man does this and doesn’t get grief. Please help

I’m sorry for what you went through as a child, I do understand how that feels and it’s horrible and permeates everything you do as an adult, the emotional damage just goes on and on x

Your last ex sounds like an alcoholic also and your current partner sounds like he is unable to appropriately handle alcohol. He should be cutting down if it hurts you. And f he doesn’t or is unable to then I would also think that he has a problem too.

My partner drinks at home and at weekends, but nothing like either of those scenarios. I don’t have a problem with it, even though I don’t really drink myself that often. Not every man does this

It's not normal for men (or women for that matter) to drink every day or go on 3 day (!) binges. If your partner thinks that it is normal, that is because he has surrounded himself with other people who also have drink problems and they are reassuring each other that they're "just having fun".

It's a common saying that the children of alcoholics either become one or marry one. You have chosen two men who have a disordered relationship with alcohol. So in a sense, yes it is you - not that you're over-reacting, but that you're under-reacting.

In addition to the drink problems he sounds like a nasty bastard.

Does your mum know what's going on?

He is lying through his teeth when he says that other men act like this; they do not. Like practically all alcoholics as well he is in denial about the extent of his alcoholism.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. You are probably codependent in relationships as well and that state is not helping you at all either. Codependency and alcoholism often go hand in hand.

What you have tried to date has not worked and will not work. Your only real solution now going forward is to leave him.

You've basically gone on to have relationships with men like your own father. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours certainly taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships. Your mother did get away from him in the end but you remain profoundly affected by what you know and saw between mum and dad. This is also one of many reasons why you are with this current man now; you're repeating what you learnt back then. You grew up with violence and alcoholism being your norm, its what you learnt and know, this is your "norm". You've also internalised many damaging beliefs and lessons to the effect that you do not know which way is up.

Your ex was abusive and sadly this current man you are with is the same i.e. alcoholic and abusive. This is no life for you nor for your child who will be seeing similar to what you did when you were growing up. No-one sadly thought it necessary to protect you from the abuse that you saw but you can and should save your child from that dysfunctional upbringing you had. It has left you with a warped template on relationships that many abusers will find attractive.

Please find it within your own self to separate completely from this individual asap and embark on therapy for your own self to unlearn all the crap you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Do all this before you even think about going into another relationship, you are so very vulnerable to predators like this person currently and you were indeed targeted.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid would be a good thing for you to do in person as would attending Al-anon meetings.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you need to remember as well:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What does your mother think of this person you are currently with?

And if you cannot leave this horrid horrid shit excuse for a human being get to al anon to get the coping mechanisms. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through and continue to go through. It's totally not you.

I'm sorry you are going through all this OP. My Dad was an alcoholic and I know how utterly horrible it is living with them.
I think you need to leave your current partner and get some help for yourself and then stay single for a while. In the future choose partners who don't drink at all. Theres loads of men who are tee total these days.

Sorry I wasn’t clear in the OP, I have actually ended things with him now. I kicked him out on Friday night after the most recent comments. He came to see dd on the weekend and kept trying to force kiss and hug me, telling me it was giving him an erection :( it was awful. He came back last night and refused to leave so I’m just trying to make quiet arrangements to get away. I actually had an appointment with a therapist today which was absolutely amazing. Really helped me realise that the crux of my current MH problems are literally only stemming from this relationship. Obviously childhood has a lot to blame for my lack of boundaries, but our main goal from therapy for the next 10 weeks is to build boundaries and not be so much of a doormat. I’m thinking about contacting women’s aid as well to see if they can mayb help me..

Oh love please contact Woman’s Aid. I had an alcoholic parent and it definitely makes me wary around men when they drink. The previous posters are right though, that is most definitely NOT normal behaviour. Please don’t be alone with him again. He sounds absolutely awful and you deserve so so much more.
My husband drinks (and so do I) but he has never ever been aggressive, sexually abusive or violent, said awful things or gone on benders.
Not every man is like that.

And please please contact Woman’s Aid and be very careful about leaving. I am concerned that he didn’t let you leave and was being sexually aggressive.