Maintenance

[surlycurly]

Just that really. My ex is self employed and makes a lot of money contracting. But he also has a great accountant. He plays games with money and last night threatened to cut the maintenance again (he's cut it twice this year already). I'm scared about money all the time. He's also committed to our son going on a school trip and is now trying to make me pay for half (he paid the whole thing with dd), even though I don't have the money and he knows it. He's now told me he's taking it out of the maintenance. I moved house last year (which he tried to stop by not signing the mortgage declaration) to have a better quality of life but he's cut the money I should have saved by moving. I'm simply no better off in a much smaller property. Last night he nearly broke me. I work two jobs as it is because I want to afford a decent life where I can save or go on holiday, but I'll never manage if he keeps chopping at my income. I could run away today. He's so vindictive and exhausting. He's threatening my emotional well-being and I'm sick of it. And now he's going to cut the maintenance by a £100 a month again taking it to just over half what he had been giving me. I've been in and out of tears all night. He still earns loads and has a great life and I'm always cutting corners and being skint to save for what nice things I life I can get. Sorry just wanted to unload.

Has he said why he's doing this? Does he not care his kids are scraping by?

Go through CMS to stop all this. They look at the previous years earning before tax and will set up the payment with this. That way you take all the control back, and if he underpays you just contact CMS, not him.

Obviously I've tried the CSA. The first year they said he owed me £236 a month when he's earning £90k. He employs his new wife every month even though she doesn't live in the country, and he took a directors loan for nearly £30k last year so the company effectively made £7k. There's nothing I can do except live with whatever he chooses to give me. I can't budget and I never know financially where I stand. I can't manage without his money but I am not able to plan anything ever as he has stopped paying for different things every month, like uniforms, lunches, clubs and pocket money. And I'm sure there are people that are worse off than me, but I have made financial commitments that I'm now struggling to keep because of him.

Hugs.

It’s so hard when they’re self employed with a good accountant.

I don’t have any answers.

You could look into getting a consent order I think it’s called. So the court orders him to pay a certain amount. Speak to a solicitor if you can to get the ball rolling. If you’ve tried CMS that can only go in your favour.

Thank you! I've had 6 years of this shit because I'm dealing with someone who's determined to ruin me. I just want to get on with my life with him ever being able to play games with me again.

I went down the CSA route with self employed ex, they eventually took him to civil court due to £60,000+ owed, 3 days before court date he declared bankrupt, they started a new claim and he's never paid a penny in 19 yrs for any of his 3 kids.

OP, don’t play his game. That’s all there is, he is just playing mind games to control you. Imagine he doesn’t exist anymore, therefore there are no expectations. You can manage on your own, plenty of us do.
Once you stop giving him the headspace and stop relying on him, you’re in charge.

Hugs, I know how hard it is, first hand.

Is there any way you could work or study so that you can get rid of this hold he has over you. Do you qualify for any courses that could make you employable in the future?

He sounds horrendous.

O i feel for you. Unfortunately when your dealing with someone unreasonable you need to lower your expectations. My ex husband is also self employed and im pretty sure hes hiding money, he was being investigated by the Cm fraud team, that was 16 months ago and no ones bothered to get back to me!! He does give cm but its minimal.

Is it too late to sort your finances out so you are not in the position that you need his money? As i think this is the key here.

Your still in a position where hes financially abusing you, the pull and push of the money is a huge physiological game and a game you will never win. Well the only way to "win it" is to disengage. I have never asked my ex for any money, not for school uniforms, children's shoes, hair cuts nothing why, because of this exact reason. Hes a very controlling an manipulative man and he hates me (for no good reason). I refuse to give him the power of knowing i need his money esp as i know i wouldn't actually get any additional money.

Set yourself free, sort your finances out so you dont need him. Set it up with CM and stop allowing him this control over you.