Grieving the end of your relationship

[Neverbroken]

How sad is it that I want to call my ex despite all he’s done to me? Or maybe it’s just that hearing his voice will bring me comfort.
How sad is it I know I shouldn’t love him but yet I still do and I miss him.
I want answers that I know I’m probably not going to get.
It feels like there’s a hole in my chest. Do I even bother to call you? The silence is killing me. After telling me all this time he was looking forward to building his own little family he turns around and walk out.

So you want to call the bastard who sat on you and said he hoped you miscarried and also possibly induced your last miscarriage.

I can think of stuff to grieve in life but an abusive scum bag like this....

🤔

Nah not so much

It’s hard when you go from talking to someone everyday multiple times a day for nearly two years to nothing at all. Especially when you don’t have anyone else in your life it’s really hard.

I understand you. My ex was abusive and I left him 5 weeks ago now, I still miss him terribly. I'm sure you still have memories of him being nice and lovely, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed so long, they aren't horrible the whole time to start with or you would never have stayed. Keep going over all the horrible things he did to you and write a list and keep re reading it.

Perfectly normal feelings. My heart was shattered. I've hit the angry stage.

You maybe have abandonment issues. I too have been where you are. A touch of the Stockholm Syndrome, perhaps? This is something that could be explored in therapy.

You may also find this website helpful, OP:

www.drirene.com/still_love_abuser.htm

I am with you. It's horrible isn't it. I am nearly five months down the line and I miss him terribly, even though he treated me like I was nothing. I know he's not good enough, so why do I care?

It’s really hard to wrap your head around. I suppose I really just want answers more than anything.

You won't get answers from this type of man. I think you need to try and move on without them. I know it's natural to try and make sense of this awful behaviour, but I don't think abusive people even know why they do what they do. They also tends to be liars, so their answers would be worth much anyway.

Look to the future and think about yourself from now on

There's a saying in Turkish - 'alışkanlık aşkdan beter'. It directly translates to 'habit is worse than love'. You are missing the routine of being in a relationship, and missing the devil you know. It's scary when you're suddenly facing the unknown. When they feel this way, a lot of people fool themselves into thinking that this must mean they still love that person. Sit on those feelings, OP - hopefully they'll fade sooner rather than later. Once you adapt you'll realise you're better off without him.

My ex wasn't abusive but he had EA, was borderline controllingand I was really unhappy. But I still miss him so much and I've got worse over the last few weeks.very hard.

You are mourning what "could have been"

I hope you’re right Azrail.
What’s EA Koko?

I think Koko means "emotionally abusive"

You won't get answers OP because people end relationships when they are unhappy, but don't intellectualize the reasons. Even if they state a reason, like "you're not supportive of my career" there is an emotional reason hanging out the back of that.

Do a little googling around transactional analysis - it sounds like you have been stuck in parent - child mode.

@Furiousvexation you know I think you’ve the nail on the head! I think I’ve been very much in my adult ego state trying to think about preparing for baby and he has been responding very much from his child ego state. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments too where I feel like a child but I’d noticed with him especially since us getting this flat it seemed like I was just being met with temper tantrums.

I spoke with the police they’ll be speaking to him between this week and next. She says if he admits to what he’s done they will offer him help which I really want for him. If not we’ll have to go to court but I’ve told him before he needs anger management which he has even admitted himself and I think counselling/therapy. He’s said to me before everybody loses control when they’re angry (not those exact words but to that effect). I hope and pray that he won’t just have his back up against the wall and think I’m trying to do something sinister. I just want him to get better.

I do see ways in which his development has stopped or been stunned somewhere in his teenage years I feel. I’m no psychologist but I see underneath he is really really lost.

'but I’ve told him before he needs anger management which he has even admitted himself and I think counselling/therapy. He’s said to me before everybody loses control when they’re angry (not those exact words but to that effect). I hope and pray that he won’t just have his back up against the wall'

Honestly Op

Stop trying to tell him what he 'needs' put yourself and your baby first and thank your lucky stars he didn't hurt either of you in his last violent outbursts.

Stop focussing your energy on what you think he 'needs'

It sounds absolutely draining.

Have you ever thought he might just simply be a nasty abusive bastard.

You're grieving the loss of the person you thought he was, and that's OK. You just need to keep reminding yourself that's not the person he is.

If it helps, write down the good things, and then write down the bad. If you start missing him too much look at that list and remind yourself that they both come together. You deserve the good bits, not the rest