To stay for the children and to stop him hurting?

[macsgirl]

I want to leave my marriage. We just don't work. However, one of our four children (the eldest two are from my previous relationship) passed away just 2 years ago, and my husband was married before we got together but she died. He's had so much heartache and so I'm riddled with guilt. We've talked about separating as recently as a month ago but we stayed together. I wish I'd just agreed to split. We don't really respect one another. I think it was easier to say life had just been hard for us rather than admit we are incompatible.

I feel stuck. I guess I know all too well that life is cruel and so I think I should be happy with what I have but at the same time I feel miserable. I care about him deeply, but I don't feel attracted to him. He senses this and I know he feels lonely, physically. But I feel emotionally lonely.

I'm terrified of the fallout if I leave as he's not exactly the most understanding bloke. He'd make my life hell.

I need words of wisdom... X

I am one of those people who always pushes for people to see the hard times through together as life is better with a loving partner....but when you said he'd make your life hell if you split....well....that was enough for me to think "LEAVE!"

You can't stay because you're scared! That's not a life....that's living in fear. See a solicitor immediately. That will begin the process for you....

Maybe think about your options (leave or stay) and how you’ll feel about them in a years time. I don’t want to overstep but the way I see it you can either be a year out of an unhappy relationship and beginning to move on with your life. Or, you can still be in the position you are in now. It will not be easy and I truly hope you can make the right decision for you. You must put yourself and your happiness first 💕

There's a saying that you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You weren't put on earth just to service his needs.

No advice, OP, but I’m sorry for your loss I think one thing you could take from this is life is too short to be miserable in a relationship. You deserve happiness too. X

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time OP.

We've talked about separating as recently as a month ago but we stayed together.
Why did you decide to stay together? Did you both decide this?

I care about him deeply, but I don't feel attracted to him. He senses this and I know he feels lonely, physically. But I feel emotionally lonely.

I'm terrified of the fallout if I leave as he's not exactly the most understanding bloke. He'd make my life hell.
What are your financial circumstances? Would you be able to fund alternative accommodation if you leave? Do you have a job?

Perhaps seeing a solicitor would be a good idea to clarify what your position would be post split. Bring with you any financial information you have re his income, pension, house price & existing mortgage, etc

Also check what benefits you'd be entitled to if you decide to leave.
https://www.entitledto.co.ukk//

Ensure any information gathering you do is very discreet if he's going to make life "hell" for you.

Make sure you cover your tracks eg: clear your internet/browser history and/or use the private browsing option which self-clears. Have a separate, passworded email address for anything to do with a possible future departure.

Lots to think about OP and it will be hard but information is what you need to be able to make an informed decision. Good luck.

I don't know his financial situation as we esch have out own accounts. We have one joint for one for our house. He does earn a lot but he's always been cagey. I asked his once what would happen if something happened to him and he said I wasn't to worry and it would all be taken care of. I have no transparency.

I have a reasonably good part time job and some savings. I could weep at being in this same situation even a year down the line.

Before we got together, I was head over heels in love with someone else but I had to let that go. I think we just ended up togwther as two people who were lonely. We had our first child very quickly. I feel like such a fool having failed at two marriages in succession. It's only now that I'm older that I know myself better.

Thank you for your help and support.

I don't think you can stay "to make him happy". On a purely pragmatic note, you're with him now, and he isn't happy, is he?

But even if you did make him wildly, deliriously happy, that isn't a good enough reason to martyr your own self. This is your life, your beautiful, only life. Stop wasting it.