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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ExP comments

15 replies

NC1989 · 15/04/2019 22:47

So lately my ExP has been making some comments in reference to raising DD, word for word he said ‘we don’t bend to our children’s will, they bend to ours’. This disturbs me a bit.. I mean don’t get me wrong they can have a choice on everything, but bending to our wills!? As if they’re property or some sort of inconvenience. Concerns me even more because DD is 6 months old, at 3weeks old I had him tell me that she could wait till we got home to be fed while stuck in heavy traffic that ended up taking over an hour to get back (Needless to say I whipped the boob out and fed her while she was in her seat). I firmly believe it’s a two way street once they get to a certain age.

Am I being to sensitive with his comments? I suppose it’s just this overall feeling I get where he is pretty much like we if it isn’t killing them then they will be fine.

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 16/04/2019 01:23

Youre being silly sorry!

NameChangeNugget · 16/04/2019 07:18

Yes, you’re being overly sensitive

cakecakecheese · 16/04/2019 08:36

Erm yeah not sure why this has affected you this much, are you struggling with the separation?

The comment is maybe a bit harshly phrased but the sentiment seems quite sensible, you can't give into what kids want all the time.

Original poster

NC1989 · 16/04/2019 08:57

I suppose it is most likely from the separation and the fact that he was emotionally abusive. Also perhaps the example he gave.

Don’t get me wrong I completely agree with not giving into what kids want all the time, hence me saying it a bit of give and take but he just makes it seem like it has to be completely his way.

OP posts:

MzHz · 16/04/2019 09:05

So... he abused you, and your concern is that he’ll carry on and be controlling, demanding, unpleasant, inflexible and unreasonable... eventually repeating the behaviour with your daughter
You’re absolutely correct.

He doesn’t change, he won’t change and you are the only one there to protect your baby.

She’s too young to be left with him, so make sure you don’t get manipulated into anything you’re not happy with

Take this time free of this awful man to get yourself to the freedom programme- in person, they have crèches etc. Do whatever you can now to learn what he is and get yourself stronger. Call it an insurance policy for your future.

Basically, he’s going to be of minimal value to your child’s life, so don’t do anything to encourage contact or time spent with him.

Or she’ll grow up thinking that what boyfriends and husbands are supposed to be.

Stay strong, and keep him out of your life as far as you can

Original poster

NC1989 · 16/04/2019 09:50

I do have a concern that he’ll do this to DD! The example he gave was in reference to his niece who’ll only use the downstairs toilet in his brothers house, even at night as opposed to the upstairs toilet.. he said he’d nip that in the butt so that she could only go toilet upstairs. The thing is his niece is 6, isn’t waking up anyone to take her to the loo and can get down the stairs safely.

But I do think it probably stems from his abusive ways.

I’m looking to do the freedom programme as well

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 16/04/2019 11:18

Well that was a drip feed as you didnt say he was abusive in your op. You added that when people didnt agree with you. Anyway I agree with his comments maybe he didnt word them great but I agree with the sentiment.

HeckyPeck · 16/04/2019 11:24

Trying to make a 3 week old wait for food for no reason and saying he’d force a child to use one specific toilet for no reason.

He has some ridiculous and controlling views on parenting. I agree with you OP. I’m not sure what can be done about it other than what a PP has said in not bending over backwards for contact?

LaughingCow99 · 16/04/2019 11:26

Agree with his sentiment, if not his wording

Original poster

NC1989 · 16/04/2019 11:28

@CupcakeDrama, to be totally honest I left it out because I thought I was being sensitive, not exactly one to let kids run riot.

Having said that I can now see that it is because of the history between us that has made me sensitive and overanalyse everything he says.

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 16/04/2019 11:30

I personally wouldnt be happy with my 6 year old wondering around down stairs in the middle of the night when there is a perfectly good toilet upstairs. I dont think thats abusive.

Original poster

NC1989 · 16/04/2019 11:33

A better way to put it is I agree with the senitement, children can’t always get what they want. Was sensitive to his wording but the example he gave was probably what done it for me.

OP posts:

Sculpin · 16/04/2019 11:33

I agree with you, OP, these comments and examples seem a bit harsh to me.

However, given that you've split up, I think you have to step back a little and accept that you have little control over your ex's parenting (unless you do believe there is an abusive situation going on). If you start fretting over every comment he makes you'll send yourself crazy! I know it's hard but just be the best parent you can and try not to worry about him.

Original poster

NC1989 · 16/04/2019 11:44

@Sculpin, you are right. Not over analyse every single comment perhaps even limit the amount of communication we have.

OP posts:

MiaWoman · 16/04/2019 12:11

Your concerns are totally normal- you want you child to be raised in a healthy environment.

However, in terms or solution, you either speak to your ExP about it (in a non-threatening way), and explain how you feel about it and clarify what he means- you might have misunderstood.

If he isn't a reasonable person, I would just give up - as long as he is not making huge parenting choices that disagree with you, than unfortunately this is one of the disadvantages of the separation from your child's father.

I am sure you daughter will grow up just fine!

Mia x

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