I can't stop feeling bitter and resentful

[Sosadandangry]

This might just be a long rant but I need to get it off my chest before I have a breakdown or something. I feel like I'm on the edge constantly and I just want to fucking scream and shout and cry.
I'm so angry, but nobody in my family would ever guess. It's bottled up but I'm struggling, really really struggling to keep a lid on it.

I don't really know where to start, but from an early age ( as long as I can remember) I was physically and mentally bullied by my older brother. He's a fucking nasty bastard and I can't stand him but the issue is, it was only me he singled out of all my siblings and it was allowed to continue by my parents. Despite him being old enough to leave home they allowed him to stay there and bully me throughout my childhood. I'm so ducking resentful and the whole family minimise it saying things like 'he doesn't ever talk to me either' or 'he's just antisocial' ..well no, he treated me like I was scum through my whole life. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me and that I was worthless. And in my mind, that wa s confirmed by the fact that I wasn't important enough for my family to put an end to it.

I just feel like I've been set up to fail, out of all my siblings I'm the only one with depression and anxiety. I've not got a good education have never worked have no friends and have spent large chunks of my life unable to leave the house or interact with other people. I was so fucking desperate to get away from that bullying fucker I quickly moved in with the first man I had an opportunity with. He's nearly 20 years older than me, lives the other side of the country from my family and is also mentally and sexually abusive. My life is absolutely fucking pointless but I'm trapped now. We have a 4 year old son and I can't do anything about it.

Where I'm struggling is the fact that I love my mum but I'm so fucking angry with her and I'm resentful and bitter of my whole family. My mum is lovely and I love her but I ant stand to be around her. I just want to say 'fuck you' to everyone and just walk off with my son and never talk to any of them again but my mum is lonely (my dad died last year) and in her 70s and my partner is 50 and doesn't have anyone else. I love my younger sister but I'm resentful of how she minimises my feelings..and allows her husband to make digs about my 'benefits life' and not paying for anything because it's his taxes paying for my house etc

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post. I'm just so angry, I'm staying with my mum and I'm struggling to stay pleasant. She moved into a tiny one bed flat so are all cooped up together and the nasty bastard is living in our family home alone..I'm not allowed back there and he's little by little throwing away/selling family belongings.

I’ve no advice to offer I’m afraid but just wanted to say that that sounds truly awful and I’m not surprised you are as angry as you are. Is it worth seeing if your GP could refer you for some counselling, just so it feels less like it is consuming you? There might be some coping strategies they can give you or something. Sorry it’s all so hard x

I know that my post is a jumbled mess and I don't expect any responses but I just can't cope for much longer. I feel like walking away from everyone, and I would if I had any way of supporting myself and my son.

Oh thank you for the response @Thatnovembernight I have seen my gp a while ago and she gave me anti depressants which do help somewhat. I fee like i would benefit from talking to a counsellor, it's just getting my partner to agree.

It sounds like you might benefit from seeing a counselor, maybe someone who won't judge, to get all this off your chest, and who will help you work through the years worth of issues you are carrying. It must be exhausting. Honestly, put yourself first and get some help. I'm sure this must be weighing you down, but speaking to someone might really help with your anxiety too, you can self refer to CBT in some areas, see if you can set up a telephone chat. Good luck OP.

Do you mean get your partner to agree because you would need his permission? Or because you’d want joint therapy? I don’t think they recommend joint therapy if there’s any abuse in the relationship but I’m no expert.
If you left with your son would you not be eligible for some sort of housing? I say this with no judgement. I’m a single mother and rely on tax credits to top up my very low wage - a lot of us need help at times. It seems overwhelming, I know, but maybe an entirely fresh new start away from your brother and your partner is something to really think about. No one should have to live with abuse as their norm. But you’ve got a lot in your plate so one thing at a time is fine.

Can i ask, why does your partner have to agree? I dont think you need couples therapy, you need therapy for yourself, to process your (undrrstandable) anger and resentment.

Sorry I meant get my partner to agree to me seeing one alone. He doesn't like me going out alone and he's not been keen on me doing things to improve myself as he thinks I'm going to leave him if I get too independent...I'm so pathetic and weak. I'm so angry with my mum for being weak and not protecting me, but I'm weak too. I'm a hypocrite.

Oh sad. You’re not pathetic and weak - that’s his voice that you’ve internalised. He is a nasty bastard and you have been fundamentally let down by those who absolutely should have protected you. You were a child and it was their job to look after you. They didn’t and so you need to protect yourself instead - and you need to start by being kinder to yourself and not calling yourself names.

I think counselling would be a brilliant idea; is there a plausible lie you could tell your husband as to where you’re going on a regular basis? You need to get away from him, but one step at a time - you need to build your strength up first and I think a counsellor would be so helpful for that.

you matter too.

Oh Sad . That's a lot of things to be dealing with. You are not weak or pathetic. You have experienced huge amounts of trauma as a child, and are now continuing to be traumatised by your abusive partner. Getting some counselling would be so valuable in helping you untangle all the strands, process some of the trauma from your childhood, and figure out some positive changes you can make.

Right now, while you're at your mum's, is there anyway you can go for short walks on your own to get a breather? Keep posting, there are so many brilliant women on here who are kind, wise, and can keep you company.

This sounds so awful OP and like your really struggling! I had a bad upbringing and never dealt with it, recently started to feel like a different person, very bitter and resentful to people, started linking it to my childhood, I friend recommended a book called "the inner fox" I'm not really one to read or anything but so far I can't put it down and I know it's really going to help me deal with thing, may not be for you but could be worth a try! I got a copy off eBay for a few quid! Hope you feel better soon xx

Sad, if you could speak to your mum and tell her how you felt, what would you say?

That’s so hard. Really have a look at what housing etc you’d be entitled to. Can you make an excuse as to what you are seeing a counsellor for? Something that he would find ‘acceptable’?

It’s never too late to change things Sosad. Think about where you might like to be in a year’s time and write down some baby steps. Perhaps not being with your OH if the relationship isn’t working? Or starting some volunteer work to gain experience?

Girl, do the Freedom Programme. Get on a course as soon as you can.

Tell your GP your husband doesn't like you going out alone. The one to feel sorry for is you, not him. You've had a lifetime of trauma and the damage is significant (I was also bullied by siblings throughout my life and I also wasn't protected).

Contact your local Women's Aid and tell them about your relationship. They will help you. Do it for your boy. It's you and your boy you need to think about.

You don't have to do this alone, there is a lot of support out there for people in your position. It took a long time to get where you are, it'll take a while to unravel it and turn things around.

There is nothing wrong with you, only the sick bastard who targeted you and you were not protected as you should have been. No wonder you are ready to burst

Ps your post isn't a jumbled mess, it is very clear xx

You don't need anti depressants, you need to CHANGE your LIFE. The one you're living is utterly shit for you and you deserve to start living now.

Can you leave your ex?
Can you go NC with your mum, sis and bro in law for a bit?

Shut everyone out for a bit? It sounds like everyone's bloody toxic and you need to just regroup (or - group - since you've not done it before by the sounds of it, what with the horrendous start to life you had thanks to abusive brother and abuse-enabling family).

As PP said, you sound very clear. Not a jumbled mess at all. I feel your anger. I am livid for you!! GGRRRR.

I really hope you can make the changes you need to get yourself a lovely new life with your little boy.

You definitely can change your life.
Yeah, it would probably be good to cut all these toxic people out of your life.

Definitely go to the GP and see about counseling. You might have to come up with some sort of illness you're being treated for so your partner won't be bent about you going to it.

Definitely do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can.
Also inquire about benefits you can get and also see about going to a refuge.

You truly can change your life for the better.

Oh love. OP I completely get where you're coming from. Can't give anything useful cos I'm stuck in a similar boat. It's utterly shit.

Op, you can change your life.

You don't need to stay with your partner out of guilt and fear. Emotional abuse and coercive control are domestic abuse, and you can get support from Women's Aid.

You deserve more out of life, and you can have it, but you have to make your anger work for you to get you out, not nail you to the spot. You're important and you have one life.