My life is a mess

[Freshstartmaybe]

Not really sure what I'm asking. I just need to share and realised this week that I don't actually have any friends.

My marriage is a disaster. He's a cheater. My eldest has begged me to stay. He says he can't cope without his father.

I wasn't fully decided what to do but it's hard when the kids don't want their lives messed up so I wasn't really doing anything, just living a weird frozen life.

I booked a holiday (on my Aunt's suggestion) to come to stay with her in my home town, with my kids. I thought it would be a nice break and give me a chance to weigh up if I wanted to start over.

Then the husband decided he would come too. Mostly he would stay with his own family but there would be a few days at my family due to travel / dropping off/ picking up kids.

It's just been terrible. I got so upset today- my friends were coming to meet me and I thought I would get the chance to catch up with people I really cared about. Except they stayed only 20 mins and then went off to have drinks together. I wasn't invited but they did send me a vague message later. Still not really invited though.

And of course this was at the time the husband was there so he was delighted to watch me be ditched by so called friends.

Then he decided against having the kids tonight, shouted "Fuck Off You Bitch" and went out with friends I presume.

So I'm back at my Aunts with the kids again. It's not a holiday putting them to bed in a weird house and keeping them quiet all day.

And once this is finished it's back to my shit marriage. I can't keep this up. I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel so low.

Your son will cope if u leave ur husband .
You need to do what is right for you
Do you work ? What’s your housing situation ? X

You cannot live this sham of a life just because your kid asks you to. Its awful if your parents break up, but it happens, its life and he will get over it.

Your DH sounds foul. No wonder you feel so rubbish. Do you work? Being alone and having little would be far, far better than living with his nastiness.

Thanks for your responses. I do work. He earns a lot More, as I do all the kid stuff. All the drop offs /pick ups/ clubs. It's all me. He does pay for most stuff though.

I will look into finances.

Did your friends leave because your husband was there ?

Honestly I don't know if that's why they left, but considering they won't see me for at least another year they could have handled him being around till I got the kids sorted. I would have done that for them (And have done worse).

You should have arranged to meet all your friends elsewhere, without your kids and Him.... I bet they left because of him..

and I agree with the poster that said you cannot stay with this man because your kids want you too FFS.

you know what you need to do now..

Oh OP your post broke my heart. Kids bounce back. Surely seeing his mum happy would help with the disruption of a split. It’s YOUR life and you have to live it how you want. As harsh as it sounds, our children will all have the chance to make their own lives soon enough. Please put yourself first. You deserve better than this miserable existence. Hugs xx

You can do this OP. You’re worth so much more

Kids don’t see anything past thier immediate selfish needs (they’re children so shouldn’t have to) but they bounce back well if situations are handled well.

Please consider if them seeing thier dad treat thier mum this way is how you want your son to act in future....

Sending best wishes x

Thank you everyone. My son (s) would never treat anyone badly. They don't model his behaviour and instead just wish so much for a happy family. It's so sad I can't give it to them.
If I leave their father then their quality of life will go down considerably.
And who is to say they would have a happier mother? Struggling to pay bills, kids in clubs before and after school if I have to increase hours, leaving their beloved schools, I woukd never have time for anything but work.

I just don't see how I can fix this. I'm scared and alone and responsible for a difficult situation.

My son (s) would never treat anyone badly. They don't model his behaviour and instead just wish so much for a happy family. It's so sad I can't give it to them.

They have learned to consider it normal to keep trying to appease him by any means possible.

You’re not alone. You’ve got all of us to talk to anytime you need to offload/rant. How old are your kids?

Thank you for saying I'm not alone. My kids are all primary age. They are lovely. Yes, I agree they appease their father. They'll have to do that whether we are together or separated. And at least this way, I am there to protect them. But today I am just so tired of it all.

I really am sorry that you’re having such a terrible time.

Appeasing thier father when you’re not together will probably happen but they’d have a safe and loving home to return to... I do understand you’re worried about them loosing a lifestyle and security especially if you have to work more. But as a single person you would get more state benefits - perhaps do a benefit calculator to see how much? You’d also get some (slight) council tax reduction.

Either way your sons are lucky to have such a loving mother, as you’re trying to do your best for them in the circumstances.

@OP I agree with the PP’s. You need to start making yourself a priority. Your asshat of an H has no respect for you and treats you with contempt. Your DS (although I am sure we’ll meaning) is only a primary school aged child and has no way of knowing the true emotional impact of you staying in this abusive relationship. Go and get a free half an hour consultation with a solicitor regarding divorce. If you joint own your house you will be entitled to half of the proceeds. If you rent then start looking for a small rental house within your budget in your area. If there is a way you can borrow or squirrel the deposit money, start doing so now. Do you have a separate bank account?

He sounds vile and you sound miserable. Look into finances, see a solicitor.

Your friends probably left because of him. They will support you if you separate, as will your family I’m sure. They’ve got the measure of him!

OP

What a horrible situation. You don't deserve this and neither do your children. Struggling financially is not pleasant, but it would only be temporary. I think you give your kids much more by showing them that your happiness is more important than staying with such a prick.

His behavior is completely unacceptable. What a douchebag!

OP, you need to leave. The way you are living isn't fair on you or your children, they could grow up believing that your marriage is normal and it's really isn't. I know things may look bleak now but everything will be fine in the end.

I left my marriage in September, he was emotionally abusive, we have one DS together, he earned considerably more than me and tried to control me financially. Now I'm about to buy my own property and hopefully start another job.

The finances may be complicated but nothing is worth more than your happiness and mental health.

You say you have no friends but you have this thread now

Op l am so so sorry you are in such a horrible situation, please look at all the options so you can make a plan to leave even if not straight away....could you work self employed to earn more flexibly? start a small business? If you are lucky enough to have a spare room could you get a lodger?

He said 'fuck off bitch'? He is horrible and also completely uncivilised. I honestly believe you will be fine without him. I had a single mum and we were SO POOR but the only thing that made me sad during my childhood was men being unkind to her. Leave him...you and your lovely kids will be a team. A team where nobody says things like that.

Oh OP, your post sounds so sad and you sound so lonely, 💐
I left an abusive relationship many years ago when my DD was very little.
At the time it felt horrible and messy and initially everything felt an uphill struggle.
I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did and it was the best decision for both me and my DD.
There has definitely been times I've struggled financially and yes, my DD has had to use breakfast clubs and after school care but we got there.
I promise once you leave an abusive partner your life will improve.
You also have the mental headspace to breath and think which you don't while you are living together.

If they see you accepting “Fuck off you bitch” from a lying, cheating husband, they will learn that this is okay too. You need to woman up and leave this arsehole. Set an example for these kids. Be the woman you need to be. Who knows, maybe one day in the future, you’ll meet a real man!

Your trip to your Aunt's is positive op because it shows you clearly what you must do!

And you must. Your friends absolutely hate your DH and can't wait for you to get him out of your life so you can be you again

Start by making baby steps today and you have a wonderful future ahead