Was my Mum emotionally abusive?

[BooLow2012]

Hi all, I am going through a rough patch in my relationship with my parents and I'd like to find some clarity. I find like I have a lot of resentment issues that I am not sure whether are fabricated by overthinking about events or whether this is the reality. I've tried numerous times to analyse everything rationally but to no avail.

Basically, I fell like my parents (mainly my Mum) were neglectful with me growing up, bordering on emotionally abusive. I've always felt unloved by my Mum (who swears she loves me). Ever since I can remember my Mum had an aggressive behaviour towards me. Maybe due to stress, lack of money etc. But as far as I can remember, I cannot recall a tender moment between us two. Whenever I would go for a hug, she's go rigid and push me away after a few seconds.

More concrete examples:

• Whenever I used to be silly as a child (6 yo or so) she'd look at me in disgust and say "Be more serious, it suits you better".
• Both my parents worked a lot when I was young so I'd be the only one left in kindergarten (me and the janitor). I developed some anxiety over being abandoned and was allowed to come home on my own when in school. I would then spend most of my awake time on my own. I would feed myself, do homework etc. This was between 7-12 years old. Parents would usually get home after dark.
• When I was being bullied in school, I asked my Mum to come and help/talk to someone. She said she would. A few days go past and I remind her that she promised she'd go. She again said she would. I asked when exactly. She got angry and threw the book she was reading at my face. She didn't miss.
• One time she slapped me and broke my lower lip.
• I used to bite my nails as a child and I asked her one time if she could help make my nails looks better. I probably pestered her for a bit because she got angry and aggressively cut my cuticles with scissors. I remember being scared.
• When I started loosing my baby teeth, she'd insist on pulling on them and ignoring that I cried in pain. She used to say I'm weak and I should man up.
• She hated my Grandma. Me and Grandma had a close relationship and I'd spend most summer holidays with her. Countless times Mum wanted to turn me against Grandma, called her a bitch in front of me etc.
• I would routinely tell Mum she had a heart of ice wrapped in stone when I was little. She gets angry when I say I remember that now.
• We were pretty poor growing up, so I'd get bullied for not having the nicest/many clothes. Whenever I'd ask for something new during the school year, she'd say that I don't go to school to flaunt my clothes, I'm going to school to learn. She didn't seem to understand the bullying etc.

When I turned 12, my little brother was born. When he turned one, Mum and Dad would force me to babysit him during every holiday and weekend. Mum would expect me to clean the house, do groceries and also cook for my brother/her. She would get very mad and insult me if she came home and the house was dirty. Whenever her and Dad would get home, I'd want to spend some time with them and talk. Instead, Mum would force me to go outside with my brother so she and Dad could eat in peace and relax after work. When we'd get back home, she'd spend some time with my brother and then go bed. I'd often spend most evening after dinner on my own in my bedroom.

I hated looking after my brother which I think is a big reason why I don't have a relationship with him now. Most of all though, seeing how nicely she and Dad treat my brother is very painful. Whenever mention it, they tell me to grow up. Or they're saying I'm exaggerating, it wasn't that bad etc.

In my last year of high-school I had my first boyfriend/friend. I had never had a best friend or anyone close up until then. I tried to hide it as my parents weren't happy with the relationship (he was a 6 years older than me). Before my A levels, my Dad threw a massive rage fit that I still vividly remember about how stupid and reckless I was to date this guy. That if I got pregnant, I'd embarrass everyone and destroy my life. Even my brother remembers this (he was about 6).

When I was 19, I moved across Europe to another country. Our relationship got better with the distance. However, a couple of years ago, they all moved in the same city I live.

My main problem now is that there is a lot of emotional blackmailing going on. They expect me to go see them every single weekend and to call them almost every day. They always comment on how bad I treat them, how I don't give them the time of day and how I never have any money for them (despite them owing me around £2000 and them receiving presents etc). I must mention me and my husband see them at least once every other week and on occasion I go round theirs more often than that to help them make appointments etc as they don't speak the language.

Whenever I try to talk through all of this with them, they say I'm wrong, this is not how anything was, I'm remembering it wrong etc.

Does this sound like normal stressed-out parent behaviour? Am I being overly sensitive?

Re your questions:-

"Does this sound like normal stressed-out parent behaviour?

No

Am I being overly sensitive"

No

Your parents were and remain abusive towards you and you likely feel a whole mix of emotions, not least of all anger, towards the two of them. You are the scapegoat for all their inherent ills whilst your brother (who they dumped on you) was far more favoured.

And no you are not being sensitive at all, not in the very least. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. What happened to you was abusive behaviour from them.

You owe these people nothing. Their move to the city in which you now live was deliberate. I would therefore seriously look into moving away, you need physical and mental distance from them.

Have you ever considered therapy re your childhood, it could help a lot particularly if you find a therapist who you can work with easily and fits in with your approach.

I would try and rebuild some of your too low boundaries by cutting back on the number of visits you and your H make to them. They can and should find someone else to help them make appointments etc.

Do post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages; you will also get advice and support there too. Read about toxic parents and fear, obligation and guilt.

Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and that person here was your dad. He was really her secondary abuser and hatchet man so cannot be at all relied upon either. He abjectly failed you also as a parent by failing to protect you at all from your mother's abuse.

What do you gain from having any contact with them now?. Nothing from what I can see, just a lot more emotional pain and denial of your own truth for you.

I second the previous two posters. I'm a really stressed mother and I do none of the things your parents did.

And the bottom line is, and I'm also someone who had a 'challenging' family situation growing up, that it doesn't matter if it was acceptable behaviour if there was a lack of money, or lots of stress, or even if you were a really horrible kid! What matters is YOU, how you feel now. How is your life now? As a child you have no choice about putting up with difficult or abusive parents. As an adult you do have. Sometimes though, it's hard to figure out how to do that, to set and maintain healthy boundaries, when you've never really had them, without some therapy. Sounds cliched, but it has made a difference in my case at least.

I would add that you should not feel obliged to help them out because they don't speak the local language. I also live abroad and anybody who moves to a place where they don't speak the language should be learning at least enough in two years to be able to make appointments. Right now you're enabling them to rely on you and allowing them to guilt trip you - either directly or indirectly - into helping them bridge the knowledge gap. I have no doubt there are either language schools or individual teachers who could help them do it themselves. Point them in that direction and then STEP BACK. You are allowed to do this and it does not make you a bad daughter.