Am I just a bitch? Don't know what to do any more

[doricgirl]

For most of my life I have been the 'awkward one' in my v small immediate family of me, my brother and my mum. I chose to stop contact with my dad when I was 19, this was after my parents had divorced, he had always treated me with disdain and never seemed to see me as a person, his wife was openly hostile to me, but it was eventually when he really screwed over my brother that I felt it was the final straw. My mum and brother weren't supportive and urged me to change my mind.

I have also through most of my adult life had various MH problems and been seen as the one causing problems in the family. As I've got older and also started working a trauma informed role, I realised that a lot of has been because I wasn't willing to go along with the myth that my parents marriage was ok, that my mum didn't have severe depression etc.

Also my mum has always been very emotionally cold and very critical of me and seems unable to consider my feelings or needs. An example is that when my gran died, my mum brought some of her things to a family wedding for me/brother/cousins to take a keepsake, but offered things to my cousins' wives (married into family) before me and my other female cousin who were closest to my gran. I'm sure my cousins wives would never have taken anything had they known. I know this sounds petty but it's part of a huge pattern including my mum telling me off for not choosing the right taxi company on the way to my wedding and laughing at me when I said I had been diagnosed with depression for starters. She just fundamentally can't seem to not be critical or dismissive of me.

Recently she has started going to counselling and is having all these revelations about her past - none of which are a surprise to me - and keeps randomly texting them to me. Today's gem was: can we facetime tomorrow, free after 3 as doing Holy Week in schools, talked to counsellor today, finally accepted I was in an abusive marriage and it wasn't my fault'

I feel like a total bitch, but I am just done with this - she has no concept/care of how anything like this might impact on me - I know it was awful I was there and was a child! - or how sending that random message into my day (I am usually either at work or with my 2 yr old DD) might impact.

Not sure what the point is here but I just wanted to get some views on what I should do next. I am nearly 40, this has been my entire life, I have spent my 20s/30s in hospital and therapy working it all out and I am just done.

Thanks in advance for reading my massive rant.

No OP you are not a bitch

Actually you sound self-aware and lovely.

You need the Stately Homes thread. Lots and lots of people on there dealing with similarly toxic families.

You're not a total bitch. You've realised that you matter too.

If you tried to tell her what you have said here, is she likely to really listen to and consider it? If so,you could tell her. If not, you will only upset yourself if you try.

I'd be tempted to distance myself from her tbh.

Stately homes thread definitely.

Sounds like she is quite anti girls in favour of the men. (My mum)

Make sure she doesn’t use the therapy to justify her behaviour as a way of excusing it and not having to take ownership of it. (Again my mum)

Don’t want to project on you, but stately homes thread helped me understand the dynamic going on. Helped immensely.

Screw her OP.. do not take the call and carry on with your own nice non complicated life

Thanks for the replies - it is very helpful that other people see what I see. I mentioned it to my brother and he just said oh it's great she's realised and is sharing in her own way. But the fact that my entire day/MH was sideswipped is not a thing...

I have looked at the Stately Homes threads and will again - I do feel like I get the dynamic that's going on I just don't know what to do.

Do others have similar experiences? I am also petrified of doing the same to my beautiful and amazing DD and screwing up her life. I am so scared sometimes it gets to the point I feel it would be better if I left and I just want to be able to move on and not feel like the bad guy all the time.

And yes apleasantdayout saying this kind of thing to her results in her going to others very upset and me being the bad guy, that or she just says I know I know I was a terrible parent... which is even more guilt inducing

Aussiebean that's an interesting point about being anti-girls - I do feel she favours my brother and she was one of three girls (no brothers) and I think there is an undercurrent of that not being quite enough or right...

With the therapy it does feel a bit like that's what happening - she's having revelations and that's all that matters - no recognition of the fact that I have been dealing with the fallout from this for my entire life and that her randomly bringing it all up might be difficult for me.

I have always felt she kind of hands over her emotions to me to deal with and it feels a bit like that in this situation - oh I just realised something quite awful - here you hold it...

I’d say no mum, i can’t do that.
Unfortunately your abusive marriage had a massive impact on me, you treated awfully me and it would affect my mental health.
I need to look out for myself first and cannot be your emotional sounding board.

There is something called multigenerational trauma. Something I didn’t really understand until I met an aboriginal woman talking about her grandmother who was taken from her family at 6 and abused. That meant she didn’t know how to parent, was an alcoholic, pregnant very young, no support. So her daughter grew up in a horrible environment, again, pregnant young, no support etc.

And now that woman, again pregnant young, but trying really hard to own her past, get educated, talk about her culture and not pass on the trauma.

Really helped me understand how this toxicity can totally screw up generations of people and the whole ‘it’s in the past just get over it’ is a stupid argument.

So yes, it’s great that your mum is beginning to understand her past and how it effected her. But in no way can she dismiss your trauma. She will probably try though.

You are the child of an abusive marriage and have your own things to process and now is time to establish boundaries to protect your own mental health. Your experience maybe different to hers, but it is just as damaging and just as important.

If she sends you revelations, you can reply ‘oh good for you’ nothing else. If she continues, you can tell her ‘ I’m am so happy you are beginning look at your past and heal yourself. But please don’t come to me as a sounding board. I am the child here and it is not for me help you. Good luck’

I too am worried of repeating my mother’s toxicity on my children, especially my dd. But I have a loving husband. We talk about it often. He knows my fears. Promises he will talk to me if he sees a problem, but emphasised that he has no fear that I will be anything like her.

Also you brother probably won’t understand. His experience of your mother is very different to yours.

My brothers are still in contact with my mum. LC as opposed to NC like me. They understand and respect my NC but don’t really get it. Last time I saw her, one came with me. He was horribly shocked at how rude she was to me. I told him that she was actually quite nice. She wasn’t insulting or nasty to me. While not questioning my decision, he now is starting to get it.

Boundaries
Lots of good advice here, I would just add that you need nip this in the bud, she is opening her own can of worms with her own counselling , you could either suggest family counselling if that would work or lay down firm boundaries as some one suggested, my reply to the request for face time would be
“Mum I know you were in an abusive relationship, I was there and have been affected by it hence my mH difficulties and all the counselling I’ve had, I’m pleased the counselling is working for you. I am not the person to share these things with as it sets my own progress back and I have xchild to be strong for I hope you can understand my need for boundaries to protect me and my family “. That will give her something to talk about at her next session !!!

Thank you for all the replies - really useful things to think about especially that I am trying to be strong for myDD and that and my sanity are valid reasons to say I can’t discuss this.

Am thinking about writing it in an email rather than speaking as I get so tangled up.

The intergenerationaltrauma thing is very present in my mind too - my mum did randomly ask me a few years ago if my dad had ever abused me?!?? Because apparently he had said he was worried he might and she wondered if that was why I had BPD...

There is so much emotional dissonance there I think all I can do is be v practical and factual.

Am not sure whether it’s worth pointing out that as I experienced everything as a child that’s what it takes me back to - not as the adult I am now but a trapped child so I am not dealing with the same experience as her...

Sorry just rambling now but I really appreciate the replies.

Saw my psych/care coordinator this morning and they said that she sounds toxic which feels like a relief to hear from someone else but I feel like a terrible person even feeling that relief!

Hello Doricgirl
You've had some excellent responses and advice on this thread so I've little to add except that you should absolutely protect yourself from being drawn into your mother's late enlightenment.

It's great she's getting the help she needs but not at the cost of your own emotional or mental well-being. Putting your thoughts into an email where you can put down exactly how you feel, with the right nuances, is much better for you. You can be kind there but structured, firm and thorough. A call can easily be derailed and old memories and hurts, guilt and other emotions take over.

I wonder your mother doesn't share her findings with your brother instead of you? Could it be that she's trying to justify herself instead to the person who she hurt/been so unsupportive of in the past?

Strength to you OP. 🌹