How to cope with someone who loves to be miserable??

[jigglee]

I have a relative (being deliberately vague here) who loves being miserable. Any bad situation that happens to anyone in the family is the worst thing that's ever happened to HER (the person it actually affects aren't even mentioned)

For many complex reasons I have decided to try and have some kind of relationship with this person again (already starting to regret it as I'm drained with her after 2 hours). I need to find a way to not let this piss me off. How do you do it??

You don't do it. The only outcome with toxic people like this is that your life is dragged down until you're as miserable as they are. This person will not change. She offers you nothing. Distance yourself and quickly.

First post nailed it ✅

I know you are right. 100% right.

I regret it already. But I need to try and find a way to deal with it. While keeping my sanity preferably.

To have a relationship, you have to accept that this is a very broken, needy person who cannot bear any attention directed to other people, so has to make bad situations all about her. That is who this person is and you cannot change her. By really accepting that, not fighting it and resenting it, you may be able to find some compassion for her and continue to be able to maintain a relationship.

That requires a huge effort on your part, so if you don't think you can do that, then back away and run for the hills! You may be able to compromise by limited contact, so you minimise exposure.

Opt out. You don’t have to do it. Misery loves company.

Getting out is the best option, but I tried that and it ate up at me.

It is a taking a huge effort.
I've tried to set boundaries and it has the potential to work, but she's a master manipulator.

But I've made my bed and need to make the best of it now. It's going to be hard and I already regret it if I'm honest.

Oh my God, are you my sister? My mother is like this. When I'm on the phone to her, I can tell by a change in her voice that she's about to retail the latest bit of misery. Today it was the fact that her NDN (pushing 90) is ill. Her relationship to it is really unhealthy - not only is she ghoulishly invested but it is like everything is happening to her.

When I got divorced, I had to live in my car for a bit because exP was unstable. I asked if I could come home for a few days for a rest. She said no. In a separate conversation, later on, I said I was scared. She said "we all are".

Distance yourself, now!!

@Aquamarine1029 That's a bit of a leap! Somebody being miserable a lot means they're toxic????

@BingandFlop2019

Read the op. This person is not only miserable, they're a narcissist. They are toxic.

OP it's your mother isn't it? 💐

@BingandFlop2019 welcome to the real world

@BingandFlop2019
No, someone making every situation about themselves is toxic.

My mum was like this. My sister and I are NC with her for just over 4 years and our lives are so, so much calmer for it.

OP have a look at the Stately Homes thread on this board. It mainly focuses on abusive parents but really can be applied to any toxic relationship.

Try and remove the emotion and play bingo.

Make up something that happened to a friend and try and guess to what extent she will go to beat.

Have a bit of fun with it.

In the meantime, stately homes thread. Look up the FOG. fear, obligation and guilt. Work on removing yourself from the dynamic and eventually low contact to no contact.

Good luck

My mum was like this. In the end I got very sarcastic with her. I would nod and say isn’t it just awful and roll my eyes. We argued a lot. She’s dead now. I wish I had cut contact with hindsight, she was so toxic.

It sounds as if you have gone for a visit?
Another time, set your phone alarm to go off after, 64 minutes or 28 minutes or whatever.
'Oh crikey, my dentist appointment/my online food shop has arrived, got to go.'

You've made a big mistake here in getting in touch with this female relative of yours at all so it is time to withdraw again. If this person is also a narcissist in terms of personality it is really not possible to have a relationship with such a person.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. Your relative is no different. Would second the suggestions to read the Stately Homes thread and read up on FOG.

Thank you everyone sorry to go awol bed time dramas with kids who hate sleep I'd happily take their place haha 😂

Yes it's my mum. I got back in touch yesterday after a nice break but I was wracked with guilt. She is toxic. I know she's toxic. She doesn't bring any joy to my life. It's all my fault why she's not been in touch because I don't make her feel welcome apparently.

We had a very long discussion and I told her everything why I feel so hurt and angry (there's a lot of reasons). She listened, then told me why it was my own fault.

Basically I've made the whole situation worse by getting in touch. I've been told I shouldn't judge her decisions, to which I said fine, but I don't want to hear her moan about the consequences of them. But she doesn't see it like that.

I can't go back no contact without making it all worse again. I got in touch to invite her to my wedding

I'm so bloody stupid and weak.

She wants it all to go back to how it was before, me going there for Sunday dinner with all the family, meeting up for birthdays, etc etc. I don't want that, I want a superficial relationship but how do I say that?? I tried and got told I was breaking the family up.

So pissed off with myself tonight. And I've now ruined my wedding too

No. You tested the water to see if anything has changed.

You now no it hasn’t and it is perfectly alright to back away again.

I know you think you can’t... but really you can.

Have you checked out the FOG? That is what this is.

Don't blame yourself. You have tried. Again.

If she cannot take on board your thoughts & feelings then it is more proof and justification for you to back away.

You have my sympathy. Unfortunately when everything is your fault that tends to remain a permanent arrangement 💐

Thank you everyone. I've read about fog in the past, but I think I need a refresher

I felt a bit better after the phone call, but reflecting back I don't feel better now. Nothing will actually change, although she says it will. But she said all the right things. She said she loves me and she's been missing out on our lives. She said she wants to be involved in kids life and I wanted that too.

I wish there was an easy way out of this, and there just isn't.

There's been some awful things happen to them this year and I can understand they are upset, but it's a case of the boy who cried wolf and everything is a terrible thing to them. How do you tell someone that though?!!

I read some information about FOG. I absolutely needed a refresher
Still don't know what the hell to do.
But a good nights sleep won't hurt so I'm off to bed and have a rethink in the morning.
Next lesson: setting and sticking to boundaries. Or moving to Timbuktu...

Train her like you’d housetrain a puppy. Reward normal conversation, actual positivity, or something which acknowledges that other people’s problems are not part of her. Any emotional vampirism, grief tourism or turning of other people’s issues into her own inner psychodrama, you punish by removing, civilly but firmly, your attention and presence.