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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need a divorce. Feeling so lost :(

22 replies

NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 14:03

NC for this, obviously.

There is no one I can talk to in RL, and I think I need to try and sort through my feelings.

I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 10. We have a DD (8).

Sometime 2 year ago DH cheated on me. He had gone abroad for the weekend with his friends for a stag do, and ended up paying for a blow job Sad. The minute he came back he confessed, he was crying and saying all the right things, professing his love for me and DD etc. He was quite depressed at the time, and despite my rage and disgust (that he would have any part in female exploitation), I gave him another chance with the caveat that he would get counselling.

He did, and slowly things went back to normal and we started being intimate again, although a lot of the time I turned him down because I was struggling to get over it. Overall though things were good.

Then it happened again. Same circumstances. Again he said all the right things and I wanted to believe him, because I am an idiot. Told him I wouldn't forgive him a third time but guess what, I did. I think I just felt so numb I wasn't even angry.

It seems unbelievable to me now that I am writing this, but I forgave him 3 times.

2 weeks ago he came back from another trip and confessed to having had a lap dance. I went ballistic and asked him what the fuck he was doing in a strip club bearing in mind his track record.

It has taken a long time but I think I have finally had enough now.

I think I forgave him before because I wanted to hold on to what I thought we had. Until then he was a lovely husband, kind, considerate, always putting DD and me first, I still can't reconcile the man who I married with that seedy sleezebag who pays for blow jobs Sad

Part of me still thinks we can save the relationship but am I just kidding myself? How can someone just change like this from lovely partner to cheating scum?

I keep going back to the lack of respect he showed me and our marriage, to the fact that he used sex workers, I just don't think I can respect him again. But I can't stop thinking of all the happy times, what if there is still a chance to get that back?

I have given him 3 months to prove to me that he can change, but I am not even sure what would be enough. I am absolutely heartbroken, I love him and DD absolutely adores him.

I have no idea what to do, or think.

Sorry I rambled on, I think I just need a bit of a handhold

OP posts:
TwinsTrollsAndHunz · 15/04/2019 14:09

I think you’re probably right. I’m sorry you’re going through this Flowers

I don’t think you were wrong to give him a second chance. I’m a big believer in second chances. That said, I think he’s had his fair share of opportunities to make things right and he’s blown it. He’s had his three strikes now. He’s out.

lillymunster · 15/04/2019 14:09

Please don't keep putting up with this, the more times you've forgiven, the more he thinks he can definitely get away with it. I don't believe he will ever change. It can only be your decision to end the relationship, no one here can make you, but in your place, I would without doubt.
I'm sure many other posters will say the same.

SoHotADragonRetired · 15/04/2019 14:11

You tried, you really tried. Once might have been survivable. But he's cheated on you with sex workers THREE TIMES. That's enough for anyone.

I know the thought of starting over again and upending your world is terrifying. But you can't trust him, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect women generally, and apparently he can't learn. And basically he's got away with it every time, so if you stay, he'll do it again. And again.

I'm not sure what three months will do, tbh? If he manages not to use a sex worker in that short time what will it prove? If he buys sex again in 6 months time, will that be OK?

I think your only course of action is to tell him that you can't recover from this and you need to discuss separation.

Servalan · 15/04/2019 14:13

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Once at a push I can understand you forgiving (though plenty most definitely wouldn't). Now he is frankly taking the piss.

I think maybe it would be a good idea for you to get counselling (on your own - not with him!) to get a chance to talk out loud to someone about this in real life and to explore what is right and acceptable for you.

You deserve better Flowers

Samind · 15/04/2019 14:14

I feel really bad for your situation OP. What would you say to your DD if it was her in that situation?

You seen like a really loving and forgiving person but please don't be anyone's mug. You deserve to have trust and stability and he isn't doing this for you. He's given you doubt, mistrust and insecurity.

💐

sevenyears · 15/04/2019 14:16

Well he wasn’t genuinely sorry after the first time was he? Why is he going on all these trips? And I would be very surprised if it was ‘only’ a blow job and ‘only’ on a trip away.

You will never be able to trust him again. Can you live like that?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 14:21

Sorry you are going through this OP and I know the though of it is terrifying but you'll never be able to trust him again (and with good reason). He's trampled all over your feelings by betraying you not once, not twice but THREE TIMES.

He has broken your wedding vows THREE TIMES (at least).

He uses sex workers.This is no example for your DD to grow up with.

Talk to people in real life. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. His mates will know anyway as I'll bet they were all up to it too. They sounds like a bunch of sleaze bags. Talk to your female friends; they may be in exactly the same boat.

Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 14:23

Thanks all. All of this I would advise to others, it's just so much harder when it's me involved.

I have applied for counselling already through my employee assistance program at work, I should be able to access this this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 14:25

I don't know many people, definitely no one I can talk to. I am not from the UK and I have moved around a lot since moving here so although I have people I am friendly with I don't have a friend as such.

It is helping to read all your replies, it makes me feel less alone

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 15/04/2019 14:27

I don't think you can get past this because he very clearly has no intention of changing his behaviour. Perhaps because he thinks you'll always forgive him so he can have both (not blaming you, just stating the facts of what's happened in the past). Also the fact that he comes home and tells you immediately says that either he's getting off on this in some way or he's looking for an excuse to end your marriage and is waiting for you to actually do it. Neither scenario being particularly pleasant.

Good luck. It's clearly not going well and I feel for you.

Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 15:42

@BlingLoving I have been wondering whether he is trying to push me to end things?

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 15/04/2019 16:54

I have been wondering whether he is trying to push me to end things?

This ^

RandomMess · 15/04/2019 17:09

3 times in 2 years shows that he isn't committed to changing.

I guess he's a coward and thinks if you call it a day it isn't "his" fault.

Thanks
Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 17:57

This is such a mess :(

I don't know what to do next.

I think as a priority I need to be saving up for a deposit on a new place etc. Luckily I am on a decent salary but I don't have much in the way of savings.

Poor DD is going to be heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 17:58

Should I be doing anything else? I haven't got a clue

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/04/2019 18:18

Copies of all paperwork including his. Is CB in your name?

Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 18:24

Yes, CB is in my name. Which paperwork should I get copies of? All banking etc are online and we split expenses so he pays eg for utilities, I pay for food, etc.

OP posts:
AnnabelleLecter · 15/04/2019 18:26

Yes you need to get rid of him. He has completely broken any trust beyond repair and he doesn't deserve you.

RandomMess · 15/04/2019 18:36

His payslips, hold onto birth certificates, marriage certificate. Is your property mortgaged or rented? Any savings regardless of whose name it is in?

Original poster
NoClueAnymore · 15/04/2019 18:50

All payslips are online but we work for the same company so I know exactly how much he earns. We are on very similar salaries though, and I can manage just on my income.

House is mortgaged in joint names, we were already married when we bought it. We each have a savings account, again all online

OP posts:
sevenyears · 15/04/2019 18:59

Get legal advice. Do not leave your home without it.

RandomMess · 15/04/2019 19:25

Absolutely ask him to leave.

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