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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me deal with this

10 replies

vesper19 · 15/04/2019 13:06

Please.

I had been with ExH for 9 years when a few months ago he left me say he did not love me any more.
I suspected another woman but he denied it, instead he made me out to be a psycho and concocted all these stories in his head of how awful I was. I thought I was going mad and losing my mind.
Fast forward a few months and I've pulled myself together, realised that there is a life without him in it and started dating again (tentatively).

This weekend he brought the children home and told me he was consumed with jealousy and that he still loves me and wants to try again for the children. He then admitted there was another woman. I found out about all the lies and deceit and even that she is on here and had been stalking my posts and reporting back to him.
I stupidly told him that we could work through it together if he ended all contact with her immediately. He did, but today has apparently changed his mind and said he needs to be alone for his mental health, and that he has contacted her again.

So we are over once more and he has left me to deal with telling the children again (he told them we were back together).

I feel so hurt all over again, the things he said to me about loving me, we spent all night together on Friday and Saturday being intimate. He told me all of the things about her that he didn't like, the pressure she put him under to be a father to her children, we realised that the fake profile Facebook messages to me even before he left were from her, even a report to social services about me came from her!
How can he want to be with someone like that? How can he destroy his children emotionally like that?
And how can she have no morals? I'm fully aware that he is the coward but she is just as bad in pursuing a married man imo.

I just feel so low, so used and so heartbroken all over again. Why has he done this when I was starting to get my life back?

OP posts:
bloatedbird · 15/04/2019 13:08

"Why has he done this when I was starting to get my life back?"

He hasn't done it. You've let him.

Find your boundaries. You deserve SO MUCH more.

He's a prick, you are not.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 13:12

He's cheated, lied, gaslighted you and the kids and you still went back for more?

Please raise your bar. You are your children deserve much better that this.

Why has he done this when I was starting to get my life back? You've answered your own questions you were starting to get your life back and he didn't like it.

You've done it once, you can do it again. Please do NOT ever take him back again.

Hidingtonothing · 15/04/2019 13:17

Yep, I'm afraid he saw you getting your life together and he didn't like it so he's messed with your head to knock you back down again. Draw a line this time and never let him back in so he can do that to you again, you're well rid Flowers

Gazelda · 15/04/2019 13:25

I think you need to find some steely anger. Not for revenge,but to sour you in with proceeding with the divorce, getting a fair settlement and an access arrangement that works for you.
Tell him his actions this time are unforgivable. As your DC's father you wish him well. But all future communication will be solely about the DC and by text/email. Your solicitor will be in touch about the divorce.
What a huge, nasty twat he is.

vesper19 · 15/04/2019 14:14

I just feel such an idiot.

How can the man I married be such an awful, selfish person?
I really thought he meant it when he said he wanted to try at our marriage so that we had no regrets, but now he says he wants to be alone (although clearly not).

He even told his parents, some friends and even the bloody local shop keeper. Now he's just fucked off 200 miles away back to his parents leaving me to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
Servalan · 15/04/2019 14:27

We all make bad choices sometimes, and you allowing him back into your life was based on the fact that you felt love for him and wanted things to be better.

Now though you are vindicated. He has told you the kind of person he is, he has admitted to his gaslighting behaviour. He has also now left you in no doubt about the type of person that he is.

You have previously proved to yourself that you are able to get your life back together without him. Onwards and upwards. You now know not to give him an inch to let him mess you or your DSs heads up any further.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 14:29

You're not an idiot so please don't beat yourself up. But please make sure that you fight for everything you are entitled to in the divorce.

Do not try and be the 'nice guy' in all this. He's acted like a completely unscrupulous little shit and he deserves nothing less than you giving it to him with both barrels. Find your anger and channel it.

vesper19 · 15/04/2019 22:59

Thank you.

I am an idiot, you know why? Because he has done this 4 times previously (albeit a long time ago). I'm sure she believes she is different, but honestly she's just one of a long line of women and I'm 100% she won't be the last. She's welcome to him, he is a liar, a coward and the ultimate manipulator. Not forgetting terrible in bed 😁

There, I feel better now. And of course, I am not going to be walked all over when it comes to divorce. I will take every last bit that I am entitled to.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/04/2019 13:51

Good, you and your DD deserve it. Good luck with the divorce! Come back and vent here if you need to. Flowers

vesper19 · 20/04/2019 16:35

I do not know what is wrong with me. He dropped the dc back today and we kissed again.
Where is my dignity? Confused

OP posts:
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