Things you wish your parent/s had done differently, though you have a good relationship

[Echobelly]

I am fortunate to have had a great relationship with my parents, and I'm honestly able to say I wish I parented more like my mum than I do, but as I've got older I have realised there were some things she passed onto me that haven't benefited me so much, and that I want to avoid passing on to my kids

She always stressed the importance of being the peacemaker and compromising for the sake of an easier life - DF can have a very bad temper (as can my DH) and it's taken me a long time to be able to stand up that temper and to be firmer that, when it happens, it's his responsibility, not mine. I want my kids to see me standing up to his worst moments, because I don't want them to feel (as I did) that the person who shouts loudest and is angriest always gets their way. I find it very hard to do, but I have always felt glad after I've done it, even if the result is not satisfactory.

DM was also of the view 'Well, you have to choose kids or a high flying career, you can't have both', and I sometimes wonder if I set my sights a bit low because of that career wise - although that said, I can't think of anything high flying/earning that I would be suited to anyway. I chose a career that I do really love and I knew would allow flexibility (and is quite female-led) but it's not really a route to megabucks or big responsibility. That said, now that I think careers are longer (I'm sure as heck going to have to work a long time to get a decent pension) there is more leeway and now my kids are older I am looking to step things up, and my early 40s still feels like plenty of time to do that. I think I will tell my kids (both DS and DD) that if they want to have family they may want to plan ahead to get the best balance - not obsessively, but when they come to the end of their education to think about whether they're likely to have a family, what's important to them and how a career and kids might fit together and how they can build a career and financial situation so they are ready when they want to be. Rather than, as I heard a colleague once say, taking the attitude 'I'll think about kids when I'm 30' - cos that's a bit late if you haven't got your shit together, IMO. As I said, that's for both kids, not just DD.

If I'm reading right your father was (is?) very bad tempered and your mother encouraged you to bear the brunt of it rather than protecting you from it. But you consider them (or just your mother?) to be decent parents, despite the fact that you yourself have ended up with a bad tempered man and you are now exposing your own children to that.

I think maybe they let you down more than you think.

I don't have a good relationship with my parents. They did the basics right - food, clothes, education - but everything else wrong.

It wasn't very often we saw our dad's temper at all, it's just the her attitude to dealing with anger was quite resigned and 'well, you have to be the peacemaker for the sake of an easy life' when she talked about that kind of thing. I don't think I ever saw them have a serious argument in my life (and I know in retrospect they had them) and it might have been better for me if I had sometimes seen it out in the open as I grew up not great at dealing with arguments with angry people and tending to fold because I was so freaked out by seeing anger being expressed or people who loved one another arguing, it was kind of hidden.

I'm getting better at it now, eg DH and I were able to have an argument in a stressful moment ealier this week where we were able to agree stuff and draw it to a close with us both feeling things had been addressed. But it took me until my 40s to get here.

It's great that you've managed to start dealing with it. I'm wary of coming across too harshly but it's worth remembering that while your father might have been the one with the bad temper your mother played a role too in that she failed to deal with it in a way that protected you - you suffered because of the actions (and inaction) of both of them.

My parents were also terrible at dealing with difficult/emotional situations and still are.

I had a much older DB and nothing was ever discussed with us young ones. We were packed off to stay with D grandfather for a few weeks once when young. Never explained.

My parents are quite cold, unemotional people. I wish they'd celebrated us more. I know they loved us, but I don't believe they adored us like I do my children. They didn't make efforts to enrich us, and didn't, for example, do activities purely for our enjoyment. Even now, our relationship is purely functional, but they never exhibit passion or do anything for its own sake. They are similar with our dc as they were with us. Now I am an adult I do judge them for it, and I wish they were different, or at least made more effort (particularly my dad).

Mine have been great as grandparents. My mum thinks my dad's been better with kids when they were little than he was with us under about 6. Guess sometimes with age comes better ability to deal - plus with not having them living with you!

I want my kids to see me standing up to his worst moments, because I don't want them to feel (as I did) that the person who shouts loudest and is angriest, always gets their way.

The better example would be to have strong enough boundaries so that ‘he who shouts loudest’, shouts elsewhere.

I had a wonderful childhood but if I could change anything it's that as children, where other parents would push their children forwards, eg if there were treats on offer, my parents held my sister and I back. It sounds quite petty but I think I missed out on a lot in life even into adulthood, until I taught myself it was ok to go forward with everyone else. I don't mean fight my way to the front, just be on an even level with others.

Not sure this makes sense to anyone but me

No, I get you @SilverySurfer - I did have friends whose parents seemed to be a bit too harsh on not letting them have the fun/nice things. I think some parents get so caught up in the idea their kids mustn't be 'spoiled' that they go too far down the killjoy route.

One thing I am glad of was that my parents always reminded me I was lucky to have what I had and I learned, so I hope I was never a spoiled brat.

I wish we hadn't had to go to my GPs for Sunday lunch Every. Bloody. Week. Sunday in the 70s was dreary as anything to begin with. Add to that a sick-making fumefest of a 45 minute drive into London, followed by a Sunday lunch which was quite nice but took way too long to eat, followed by DM and DF snoozing in the armchairs, and I was climbing the walls with boredom.

I still hate watching people go to sleep because I get a reflex reaction of annoyance and frustration. My DM hated those Sundays too, especially as there was usually bickering between DF and his parents.

I didn't feel like that about staying with my GPs on my own though. I have been getting quite nostalgic about the overnight stays lately.

I also wish my parents had been less critical of my friendships growing up. I had terrible problems with being bullied and not fitting in and it was a rather isolated childhood.

I'm not sure they did it to be killjoys, they were both very shy and I think would have felt embarrassed if anyone thought my sister and I were being pushy even though we didn't want to knock other children over to get to the front, we just wanted to be on an equal footing, if you see what I mean. I was a child of the late 1940s/50s so treats were not an everyday occurrence.

It's still with me sometimes. I play an online game and yesterday a much higher level player said he wanted to give away an expensive item. Everyone was saying me! me! me! and jumping all over him whereas I just stood there like a lemon. He walked over to me and traded me an item worth over 3 million gold (game money).

Your question is a really interesting one and I hadn't thought about it before.

I've only come to the realisation lately (I'm early forties) that my parents did not let my sister and I freely express our emotions. No heights of emotion permitted- no joy, excitement, silliness, moodiness, grumps, anger, elation- we were expected to remain even tempered the whole time. It just wasnt the done thing. And this has meant that I dont actually know how to deal with any feelings especially well, and intense feels actually frighten me a bit.
I can cope with my mum at arms length (we hug and say I love you etc but I don't talk to her about anything important nor she I, and I certainly don't look to her for emotional support) but thats it. It impacts on all my other close relationships too, avoidant attachment theory i reckon.

I wish my my mum had praised me more. I once questioned it with her and she said she didn’t want to give me a big head!

It doesn’t effect me too much but I did go through a period of extreme dieting and body dysmorphia in my teens and twenties, possibly linked. Now I probably place too much emphasis on what people think of me and am too eager to please, perhaps always looking for that approval and praise I didn’t get from her.

I try to build my DC up as I am conscious of it.

I find it really difficult to be in a confrontational situation (i know what i want to say, but i just clam up) and its only bern last 3/4 yrs ive realised it was down to my parents. We were never allowed to express an opinion as we would be seen to be answering back. My dad was quick tempered and had a very authoritarian approach to parenting.
We were never encouraged or supported in anything, such as extra curricular activities etc. Quite often left home alone on Saturdays while they went shopping/visiting. We had to stay home with the dog.
We were fed and clothed but that was about it.
I also have a real hate for maths and rubbish at it. This is because i can remember when i was in p6, we had just moved to ni from germany and really behind with a lot of maths stuff, didnt know times tables, fractions etc. One evening dad was trying to show me how to do long division and yelling and screaming at me when i couldnt get my head round it.