How do I move on without an apology?

[Luckylucy11]

How do I move on from an argument?
My husband doesn't apologise if he feels he isnt in the wrong. Most of the time these things start off small and can be got over.

I struggle to let go not because the situation is a big deal but because of my husband's response. This is not to say I want my husband to say I'm right and he is wrong. I just want some aknowledgement of my feelings about the situation.

After we have talked I'm grumpy, angry and resentful. This often leads to more arguments and makes the situation bigger than it was originally. I tell my husband how I feel and he tells me about his side of things.

I have to learn to just drop it but I dont know how. Any tips to create a more peaceful household.

It’s hard to understand the dynamic. People typically don’t apologise if they believe they are right. And having a difference of opinion is nothing to apologise for.

I think your problem isn’t disagreement but the way you settle disagreement. Which is by arguing and that is a bad way to settle anything. As you know it leaves you feeling upset and bad. A lot of people avoid arguments for this reason. They resolve differences and conflict differently.

Dynamics are different in all relationships but I think you need to find what works for you, if you think something has been left unsolved then you should address it until both of you can move past it.

DP will occasionally get into arguments and he will put me on timeout or I will “you’re on time out for 10 minutes”. I know it sounds childish but for us it works as it gives us 10 minutes or whatever amount of time to really go through what we are arguing about and one back more calm to properly address the situation. We have also decided that we will move past arguments once everything is clear and neither of us feels unhappy with the outcome.
We don’t always apologise because we can’t always see who is in the wrong but we apologise for our reactions or how we made the other person feel during the argument.

Surely a fake apology is far worse?

@latenightcup if DH tried to put me in time out of tell him where to poke it! I think you can request time out for yourself, eg I need ten minutes, I'm going to walk the dog etc

@ZippyBungleandGeorge I guess it depends on each relationship and the personalities of people involved. I’ve put him on time out too and it has worked great for us, gives us both a small break to put our thoughts in order and come back as rational adults instead of getting angrier and the whole thing escalating.

We don’t go on time out for every argument but occasionally when it’ll start escalating with no control or one of us is being incredibly unreasonable we have to do it

Thank you for your comments. If I look at my parents, they dont resolve arguments by talking. They both internalise their feelings alot (good and bad feelings).

I do try and talk things through but it's hard because hubby struggles to understand my feelings on things and often gets so cross at my tone when I speak to him. It's so frustrating as I dont feel I am being horrible or nasty but am regularly accused of this.

One of the things you need to recognise is that an argument is different from a disagreement or difference of opinion. Arguments as you are finding don’t resolve anything, unless one of you can impose their will, and leave you feeling awful. For your own behaviour and that directed towards you.

If you don’t agree on something you can talk it out but sometimes you have to accept that opinion or views won’t change. That’s when you stop and you definitely stop if either of you is getting frustrated or angry. This isn’t about bottling stuff up or putting up and shutting up.

There are ways to get get people to rethink their views or opinions. But telling them they are wrong or don’t understand won’t do it. All you are doing is stating your opinions at each other, usually in increasingly loud voices. I doubt you both listen and that communication is about getting you view across not listening to each other. Something which prompts questions not accusations.

Or, if this is not the case, you need to decide if he is the man for you. Because not caring about each other feelings isn’t good.

I have known my friend for almost 17 years. She and I were in a similar situation as we both left our DHs. We would speak most days, meet weekly have trips away. She has just got back from a trip to America to meet a man who she went out with 36 years ago and it went really well. I took her to the airport and she messaged me whilst away not too much which was fine. However she returned home and I heard nothing so after a couple of days I asked if everything was OK. I got a very cold reply about how she had got back late had been at work and was going out with her son. Her new man is coming over here to visit in July then she's going to rent her house out and go out to see him. We were very close and so I am trying to work out why she is doing this. I know she is getting on well judging by her Facebook posts so its not that. Any ideas ? I just cannot believe she has dine this.

Sorry meant to start new thread