Been reading mumsnet for a long time now but first post. I think I just need to write this to someone.
Last Friday DH came home after having a week away, I was relaxing in the bath when he got in and then planning to cook good a nice dinner (hoping for an intimate evening). He comes in, has a five minute chat then goes out on his bike for an hour. By the time he's back, showered its late and I think it's unfair expecting me to cook. He happily then cooks for himself. I told him this straight that given what we have gone through in the last few months his behavior was unfair and I felt pretty rubbish. He didn't see what the problem was and I was made to feel guilty as he felt tired after a long drive and needed to clear his head. I then spent the weekend trying to make up for me getting angry, I now feel like a total idiot.
I know this sounds a minor issue. Context to all this is we have been struggling last 18 months with a lack of intimacy, he moved into the spare room within three months of us getting married saying he didn't like the mattress which may or may not be true but completely eroded my self esteem (we've bought 6 new mattresses in that time!!). We have been finally sharing a bed again for the last six weeks. I raised our lack of intimacy / disconnection repeatedly last summer and he shut down more and more. Until Christmas when I decided to leave and told him this was the case. He then opened up massively, saying he didn't mean to make me feel this way, he really loves me, what can he do to change etc. And also said that he had been diagnosed with depression when he was 19 and the only time he didn't need to use medication was when he was with me. We've lived together 8 years and married for three. He'd never told me this in all this time.
I always feel like its me doing everything, we both work full time (I have the longer commute) but I do all the food shopping / cleaning and majority of housework - he will do things when I ask but he never thinks!! He's 36 for christ sake!! And yes I have told him this. Repeatedly. We get on best friends, share a hobby together and rarely run out of things to talk about.
We also rarely have sex and when we do there is little connection, once a week tops but during the mattress saga maybe three times in a year... after we'd got married. We don't have children. I don't believe there is another women but I do know he used (whether he still) watch a lot of porn.
Sorry I know its rambling and there isn't really a question in all that. I guess am I just being a total fool (I'm only 30).