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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left, I'm devastated and need some wise words.

17 replies

SadSausage44 · 15/04/2019 08:01

Hello mumsnetters.
I posted a couple of times before and you all gave me such good advice, and here I am again, needing an emotional prop as I am absolutely beside myself.
At Christmas my husband told me he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore....this was a few days before another round of donor egg ivf, I was pumped full of hormones and felt so ill, I believe he's having a mid life crisis.
After months of my husband living at home and trying to decide if he wants to be with me, yesterday I reached breaking point and asked (begged) him to leave. So he packed a large bag and left.
I cannot believe that 14 years together has come to this.... I have nothing, I have spent our life together loving him, nurturing him, moving countries every couple of years whilst he climbed the career ladder, tried numerous fertility treatments, iui's, ivf, donor egg ivf (to no avail) .... I've been the best wife I could possibly be... and now he's gone. I'm 44 and just can't believe I have to start again....
Please please can anyone who's been through this help me ... I feel sick, I am devastated.
I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow.... I literally don't have a pot to piss in.
All I want to do is call my husband and beg him to come home I need this pain to stop 😢 my whole future as I imagined it has gone, the foundations of my life are crumbling under me and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 15/04/2019 08:08

So did you want him to leave or not? You said you actually begged him to leave and now you want to beg him to come back?

Bemusedagain · 15/04/2019 08:10

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Any friends or family who can come and stay with you?

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 15/04/2019 08:11

I am sorry you are going through this. It’s horrible while you are thrown into a life you didn’t see for yourself ever.
Please look at this as a new chapter.
My first marriage went like this too with so much heartache I didn’t want to wake up again. I promise things will improve and you will start to feel better. It takes time. You are still young and so perhaps try and push the horrible negatives aside and take small steps towards all the things you have set aside in the past and bring them back into your life. I hope you have a better day ahead today x

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 15/04/2019 08:15

Thanks everyone.
And yes I begged him to leave to give me some space, living with someone who wants me to be a nice wife whilst deciding if he wants to be with me has just about finished me off.
Now he's gone I'm bereft... it's a lose lose situation really. It's shit when he's here and shit now he's gone.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 15/04/2019 08:17

Do you work?
Are there any savings?
Do you have a house?
Time to work on things you can sort.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 15/04/2019 08:17

I have friends who will help yes.
But so many of my friends are also his life long friends and I'm going to lose them too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadSausage44 · 15/04/2019 08:21

I have a job yes but will have to get another one that pays more.
There are savings in an account in my name, but he will hit the roof if I touch them, I'm going to have to though.
We have this house I'm in but my name isn't on the mortgage. It'll have to be sold as it's too big/expensive for just one of us to stay in.
So looking at it, my entire life is going to change and it's all out if my hands.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 08:22

You did the right thing getting him to leave. He clearly doesn't want to be there, so playing with your emotions like this is unkind.

KooMoo · 15/04/2019 08:23

Poor poor love Flowers Sending strength.

mummmy2017 · 15/04/2019 08:26

Use the savings.
Half the house is yours..

Do not get less than you deserve...
Half what sounds like a good pension as well...
I think the stress of trying to be parents has changed you both, it does happen...
Now he is gone you need to decide is it the man you missed, or married life, as at 44 you will be able to restart your Life, it will just be different.

Pigeontoed · 15/04/2019 08:27

I don't have any practical advice for you I'm afraid, but so sorry you're going through this.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2019 08:29

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

Living with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you is awful. I went through it 16 months ago but fortunately it only went on for a couple of weeks before I found it he was having an affair and I told him to leave. As heartbreaking as that was, it was almost a relief after the two previous weeks of not knowing where I stood.

The only advice I can give is what worked for me and that was leaning on my friends and family. I told them straight away as I knew I couldn't do it alone. We have kids together so there were practical things I went into autopilot to sort out for their benefit.

I also referred myself for counselling and had that once a week for 6 weeks. It took a few weeks to come through but did help me process things.

Things will seem quite bleak right now and you can't imagine a future without him but I promise that a day will become two days, then a week, a month and sometime down the line, you will realise that you are still here and you are doing ok.

You deserve more than someone who doesn't know if you are what they want, remember that x

IMissGin · 15/04/2019 08:32

You say husband do assuming you’re in the UK. Half of any savings are yours whether they are in your name or not. Likewise half the equity in the house. Do you know how much is left to pay in the mortgage? You might be in a better situation than you think

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2019 08:32

I also made lots of plans for the forthcoming year - things to look forward to. It was the year that me and my friends had big birthdays so there were lots of opportunities to get together and have fun and I made sure I went to every one of them, even if I didn't feel like it.

I also took my kids to their first festival with friends and made lots of wonderful memories without him. The more of these you make, the easier it will become but I know right now you feel that your lives are so intertwined x

HRMumness · 15/04/2019 08:37

As someone whose "DH" recently decided he wasn't happy anymore (code for OW) and then spent two months deciding if he wanted to come back, finally coming back and telling our two children he was back for good, only to leave again after two weeks, a week after my DM returned home, she came from overseas to help me out...

  1. Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option
  2. Don't give him anymore time to decide.

Onwards and upwards, you will be ok. It will be hard and rubbish at times but you will get through this.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 15/04/2019 09:53

Thanks everyone. I'm so sorry that some of you have gone through this pain, but it gives me hope that you can be alright. Things are overwhelming me at the moment, the enormity of what he's doing...

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 15/04/2019 10:01

Plan some things you want to do...
A trip away, or a long bath...
Start to find things that make you happy

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