My friend never picks up my calls

[nannytothequeen]

My closest friend has stopped picking up my calls and rarely responds to my messages, whether serious or lighthearted. I don't think I have done anything to offend.her but I just don't know. I am aware that I have been a very needy friend in recent months. My ex left our long marriage for a very public and humiliating affair. My mum died suddenly leaving me with no family at all apart from my own children and now I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I try to be light about it but there are times I crumble. Now I sense that my closest friend is dropping me and it bloody hurts.

I'm sorry, that sounds bloody awful!

How long have you been friends?

That's very very tough. Unfortunately it does sound as though your friend doesn't want to be there for you anymore. Can you broach it with her in the way that will hurt you least if you don't get the answer you'd like?

Is she a long standing friend Op?

Can you ask her to meet up and have a chat?

Things sound tough

We've been friends for 15 years. Through thick and thin. Just that my thin is very thin now.

I am not messaging now unless she messages first. Which is Infrequent. And I don't mention my ex or my mum or my health so I am not boring.

I literally feel that I have no one.

Have you any other friends Op I'm certain that you must have people that care about you.

And you should be able to talk about 'your DM, your illness' to your close friends. Do you possibly think she is dealing with what's going on with you and is worried she may say the wrong thing?

When did you last see her?

Sorry. That was badly worded and the pedant in me won't let it go. I feel that I have literally no one.

I have other friends but I don't talk about what is happening for me. I don't really know why. My close friend and I live a couple of hours from each other after we both moved house in opposite directions. I saw her about a month ago. We went away together in January and it was great. Well I thought it was.

'We went away together in January and it was great. Well I thought it was.'

So you've been away and you saw her last month which given the distance shows efforts made by both of you.

Could she also have some things going on with her that she perhaps doesn't want to burden you with? Perhaps that's why messaging and calls are less frequent.

If you miss her, call or message. Let her know you've missed her company.

Martha's. I have been calling and messaging but she doesn't get back to me. I have stopped because I feel like a pain. We used to call or message each other everyday at least. But since she stopped returning my calls and I have pulled back because I feel like a nuisance, she messages me once a week. I always return her message and then ... nothing.

What an awful time you’re having. So sorry :( there’s a saying “hard times reveal true friends”. It sounds like she’s not a very good friend. A few years ago I lost a parent and my best friend disappeared. She didn’t want to know. I literally had nobody to talk to. I find building friendships very hard now after that as I’ve lost trust in people. I really don’t know what to advise. You need a friend in your corner but she’s decided she doesn’t want that to be her :( I’d suggest finding a counsellor. Someone you can offload onto once a week. Also, join up to cancer forums online. There’s Shine if you are under 35. Macmillan maybe have forums? A work colleague of mine made good friends on the cancer support forums. I think you should stop messaging her but maybe send a last message “I miss talking to you. I’m worried as you aren’t answering any of my messages. I hope you’re ok?” Then just leave it. You can’t force somebody to care sadly

You are going through an incredibly hard time - some major life events so of course you want to reach out to your closest friend. I'm sorry she's not there for you.

. Sounds like you’re having a vv bad time of it.

I have good friends but I've never had one that I messaged and spoke to every day. I think that is rare OP. It may have become too much contact for her. Or she may have things going in which need a lot of attention and all her reserves. Sorry that you feel alone and I'm sure it is hurtful that she didn't explain.
My mum had lung cancer and I hope that you are getting lots of support and good treatment. Post on MN for regular support when you feel down or anxious - perhaps in the health section as there might be people going through similar or a few health professionals about.
💐

We have had daily contact for a long time. We used to see each other most days when we lived in the same town and then we had daily contact when we moved away. Long before everything got really shit for me.

I’m so sorry about everything that is going on for you, nannytothequeen, it sounds like an almost intolerable burden.

And I’m furious for you about your crap friend. It’s true that she may be finding it all too much to support you, but there are better ways to do self-preservation while staying supportive.

Can you bear to address it directly with her? Maybe acknowledge that you’ve been leaning a lot on her, apologise for it being too much and lay out a plan to continue the friendship in a more measured way?

This is not what you SHOULD do,because she has behaved badly, but it often helps to acknowledge what led to her bad behaviour.

This is only if you feel able to forgive her failure and would still value her friendship. It would be a LOT to ask of yourself, and goodness knows you are already drawing on all your reserves.

What you should also do, though, is turn to your other friends. You don’t have to tell each one everything, but do lean on each of them as much as you feel you can.

You've had helluva lot to deal with - a marriage breakup, a bereavement and now your cancer diagnosis. You don't have any other support and it does sound as if perhaps she's reached the end of what she can provide without it impacting on her own mental health. She can't solve any of your problems and daily contact to talk about them, reassure and build you up is now too much for her.

She probably feels wretched about this, but it's a question of self-preservation now. She messages you once a week, you went away together in Jan and saw each other last month. It sounds as if she's trying to reset the relationship to one that she can cope with.

Even the closest friends play a different role from a partner or a parent and even they would struggle to give you what you need. Professional counselling is usually available to cancer patients on the NHS and it's good to talk with people in the same position as you, e.g. there's a v supportive Cancer Thread in General Health on Mumsnet.

I think, in your position, you need different things from different people and just one person can't do it all. Try to spread the load a bit and don't be too hard on your friend. It does sound as if she's trying to do her best.

You just need to be honest and message her and say - have I done something to upset you ? Is there anything I can help you with ..

I agree with Thyme it was a very full on friendship more like a romantic entanglement. Even then I would have struggled with that level of contact. Although you say not, you do see her as your single rock. When practically she can’t be that and perhaps she doesn’t want to.

I think she has tried to reduce contact without discussing it. I would have discussed it with you if that was the case.

Have you asked her why she is keeping her distance now? Perhaps it has nothing to do with you and there is something going on in her own life.