Problem with DH.

[closenessss]

Just looking for some advice & perspective please.

DH is a soldier. A loving dad & husband. Supportive and great with the kids.

When he was a child he was bullied a bit which may be relevant to the thread.

Basically, our relationship is really strong other than one issue we have. After a deployment, adjusting to normality again can be difficult for both of us. The problem I have is that if I tell him something has upset me or he has acted in a way I've found hurtful, he gets very defensive. I'll be met with things like "shut up closenesss* etc and he'll go in a huff about it. Don't get me wrong, after 10 minutes he'll come and apologise but I do still find it upsetting. I think it either stems from him being bullied or could be to do with how military life is but either way, I don't stand for it and he knows how upsetting I find it. It's like he just can't accept any criticism.

The rest of our relationship is great however and he's very loving. He's not controlling or possessive in any way. I'm just wondering how big of an issue this is? I don't like to talk to people IRL about it because I worry they'll add 2+2 and come up with 5. We are trying to work through it and DH knows that it's not an okay way for him to behave.

I'm also not sure if I've written in the correct topic so apologies if this has appeared in the wrong place.

I think given that he does recognise it and apologise reasonably quickly, it's something that can be worked on.
Talk to him, when you aren't upset, and ask him how he would prefer you to raise something? Ask him why he finds it so hard to hear?

I have no personal experience with this OP, but I was friendly with a colleague at work a few years ago who went through something similar. She was married to a bloke in the army who wasnt deployed as such, but did work in a different country (she flew to see him every month).

I know that she was worried everytime he came home for an extended period because it took him time to adjust. He would be irritated by things at home not being exactly as he expected / annoyed at being expected to do "housey" things and generally being a bit of an arse. I know he always settled after a couple of weeks and I remember chatting to her and she said he was always the same and it was as if the army teach their soldiers to think a certain way, and it takes time for some blokes to adjust to home life.

Perhaps talking to him about how he acts when he is home will help - explain that you realise he needs a period of adjustment and ask what he thinks you can do to help.

It is wrong for your children to hear him telling you to shut up.

It is wrong for your children to hear him telling you to shut up.

He has never done this.

Thanks for the replies. I think it's so much harder for him to adjust now than it used to be before we had our children. It's so hard for him to come home to a family that functions completely differently to when he left and he can end up feeling a bit useless/unneeded.

I'll be met with things like "shut up closenesss

I think this is why the other poster thought your husband told you to shut up. I'm a little unclear about what that means too.

Don't know if this will help, but shiftworkers and their families go through something similar. When my husband changed to a different shift, especially after a year or more working at night, it was difficult for all of us to adjust. None if us were used to him being home during dinner, homework, etc. The kids looked to me for all decisions, and he didn't always like the way we did things. We didn't like him changing our routine, either. For all intents and purposes I had to act as the boots on the ground/single parent most of the time, and we both struggled for a while every time.

It sounds like you're trying to make that adjustment easier on all of you. Maybe talk quietly together about how to do that. You know, gradually, as he feels more able to cope.

Sorry I didn't explain. He's never said it in front of the kids. It's been something that's come out during 1-2-1 conversations about things.

Do you live near his base? It sounds like an issue others will be having, it can be hard to slot back in - is their no support for non military partners?

He needs to work on his communication. You want to discuss things and bring them out into the open but he shuts you down and would prefer to sweep them under the carpet. I'm sure this is related to being a soldier and spending lots of time with other men in a very 'stiff upper lip' environment.

I definitely think this is fixable, as he apologises and feels bad. Keep calmly reminding him that it's good to talk about things. You could maybe try a Relate session to discuss this? Or a marriage course.

You're kidding yourself if you think the kids don't notice how he talks to you.

Yes, support for the 're-entry burn' but he doesn't get to tell you to shut up.