“Asexual”

[Tropicalisland]

My partner and I have been together for four years which started out to be very intimate (sex, kissing, hugs, holding hands) all the lovey dovey kind of things, you know.
As time has gone by, this has all started to fade and has now come to a point where we don’t do any of that. We don’t even french kiss!
My partner is constantly on her phone, creates arguments over silly things like “why are you looking at me?” Or “can you please stop doing that I don’t like it” in regards to small things like coughing loudly or humming or singing.

When she has a friends over she talks about guys and sex and celebrity crushes but has told me she is ‘asexual’.

AIBU to think something is going on? Even when I’ve asked her she says no and gets very angry..

Seriously relationships shouldn't be this hard.

She can be asexual but you don't have to be in a relationship with someone who is.

All the other behaviour she is displaying either says she dislikes you or is controlling.

Why do you stay?

She doesn't fancy you at the moment.
Find out why.

Sounds like such an awkward, damaging environment.

She sounds like a spoilt little bitch and you’re probably unknowingly or knowingly enabling it.

@Youmatter your misogynistic language is not welcome here. Kindly learn to express yourself in respectful manner towards women or vacate this site

I have thought this, the fact we have a child so when we do argue and she tells me to leave knowing if I leave I’m homeless. So to me she knows she can anything she wants, treat me this way because she knows there’s nothing I can do or she knows I’m not going to leave. That way her bills are paid, the housework is done (she barely does any) etc.

Ignoring that message directed at me.

This sounds like a very challenging, constant situation for you.

Have you bit the bullet and spoken to her directly about all of this? Are you in touch with family etc?

She's showing utter contempt towards you. Why are you still there?

@youmatter why ignore the message directed at you?

As a woman myself, I’m saying it as I see it. And I’ll continue to do so. If this topic was about a man and I said this, absolutely nobody would bat an eye.

It may sound selfish but If I’m there I know my child is safe and brought up with respect and values. If I leave all that goes out the window.

Of course you won't be homeless if you leave tropical. You make your plans in advance. You arrange to rent somewhere. If she can't afford the bills on the place where she's living, she should have thought of that!

Not necessarily, there's no reason you shouldn't apply for and get 50/50 residency.

Why can't you house yourself? Do you work?

What lessons do you think you're teaching your child about relationships now? Nothing good.

Nothing will ever improve if you don’t communicate.

Honestly, if you were a woman saying a man is like this with her, he’d be called disgusting and you’d be told you deserve better.

The situation you describe sounds so uneasy, continuously. And that can’t be good for anyone involved.

I think there's obviously pros and cons of this relationship. It's valid to be asexual, and many people do find out late. Equally, it's valid to be sexual! I think you need to discuss with her how it makes you feel--would an open relationship be something the two of you could tolerate? Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean she isn't interested in having a romantic+co-parenting relationship with you. If compromise isn't an option though, I think you need to start making plans to separate. You could start saving for a deposit on a room.

It's interesting that the thing you've highlighted is the 'asexuality' when this sounds like the least of your problems tbh.

You say you have a child @OP? Could her sex drive have dwindled since having the baby. It doesn’t sound as though she’s asexual as such more that she is lacking in labido and doesn’t really know how to label it. There seems to be more to the story though. You seem to be doing your fair share of the household chores and child care from your POV but how does she view it? Do you feel as if she’s hiding an affair?

From my experience and listening to other friends, this is inevitable in all relationships after a while. I must admit, 4 years seems quite soon.

I am sorry to hear that you are not having relations with your partner and don't cuddle anymore, I know the feeling.

Can I make a recommendation? Even though it is the 2 of you who need to make and effort and not just one, I think showing her that you still care and are really trying will definitely change something.

A weekend away, a small present, a surprise, an unexpected compliment- yes this thins are very small, but that is what routine in a relationship is made of.

Good luck!
Mia x

@Youmatter you can be a woman and misogynistic you know. Your language was foul.

Oh go and have a word with yourself. If you have no help to offer the OP get back to your knitting.

Dump

This is a sexless relationship., no matter what label your wife uses for herself

If you cannot tolerate this for the rest of your life, then separate as amicably as you can and share the parenting of your child

From what you have said, it also sounds damaging and is a poor example to set your child.