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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girlfriend cheated on me 4 years ago advice needed

15 replies

Bigbob77 · 14/04/2019 22:58

Hi all , seems abit strange I’m posting here on mumsnet as I’m a male here is my story
I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years we have to lovely boys one is 5 years old other is 9 months old , I have always had a funny feeling about my partner and my good mate , always txting each other and he is always around even when I’m at work at she says oh he is like a little brother to me that’s why he is always around , long story short my partner and her sister fell out etc and I took it as a opportunity to ask her sister if she knew my partner had ever slept with any else and she didn’t really want to tell me but after a while her sister told me that about 3-4 years my partner told her she had slept with my mate and said it was a mistake so I confronted my partner and she denied it all for nearly 2 weeks of hell and finally admitted it she did sleep with him once 4 years ago after they had gone out to town and I was at home with our older son she slept with him at his house who only lives 3 doors down , I’m torn apart what to do or think I want to be here to raise our kids , she could of told me years ago but Chose not to , does she deserve a second chance or do I leave her please help

OP posts:

RiversDisguise · 14/04/2019 23:00

You poor thing

For me, the trust would be gone

Redskyandrainbows67 · 14/04/2019 23:02

I agree - for me the trust would be gone.

Al2O3 · 14/04/2019 23:02

No rash decisions. It is not for us to tell you which river path to take. Take some time to think things through - that she does owe you. Whatever happens, put your boys first. Sometimes our children are the longest friends we have.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 14/04/2019 23:03

I would focus on what you want and your health and life. She needs to decide whether to repair this or not.

Whoops75 · 14/04/2019 23:03

If it only happened once and they had no relationship now I would try.

Maddy762 · 14/04/2019 23:05

Don’t make a rash decision. What you have with her - your life and children, is worth a bit of thinking time

Original poster

Bigbob77 · 14/04/2019 23:08

Just so hurt and confused, I just don’t ever want to apart from my boys but at the same time it will always be in the back of my mind , she could of told me back when it happened, she says it was once etc but she let me take him to work with me and treat him like family while the whole time they done that to me and tells me it was a huge mistake etc

OP posts:

Whoops75 · 14/04/2019 23:09

Do ye still see him?

Samind · 14/04/2019 23:13

Iits entirely up to you but if you decide to forgive then you can't throw it back at her all the time either as that's not fair.

Can't imagine what you're going through and hope you are able to make a decision.

DPotter · 14/04/2019 23:15

The bottom line is - you have to be able to trust your partner and only you know if that is possible. If she won't agree then sadly you have your answer.

In my book the only way she gets a second chance , is if the best mate calling around, the texting all stops immediately. No negotiation - it stops now. And I'm being very conciliatory here. If she really did regret the 'only time' then she would have knocked the visits and texting on the head straight away, even if she didn't tell you.

The your DP and you need to get some good quality counselling.

As for your 'good mate' - well at the very minimum you cut him out of your life and tell all your friends to watch him with their wives and girlfriends.

However the fact your wife, still obviously likes him around, suggests she still has a thing for him.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/04/2019 23:24

Not being with your partner doesn't mean not being there for your kids.

You need to have a long hard think about whether you're able to forgive and move on and what exactly it would take for that to happen. If you decide you would be able to forgive you need to see if your partner is willing to work with you on whatever it is you've decided you need to happen to be able to move on.

Your friend is equally to blame in all this too so if you're re-evaluating one relationship, you need to be re-evaluating that relationship too.

A break of trust is massive, even more so given that she's hidden it for so long and then still tried to deny it once confronted. It's not something I could look to forgive but that's down to you to decide.

My thought process would naturally take me to thinking that I've had an inkling for so long which has proved to be true, so what else has she been hiding?

You can still be a good dad to your boys whatever happens and whatever you decide so don't feel like you have to stay just for them (says the woman who's done just that for years now and is finally waiting for the decree absolute to land on the doormat!!)

Middersweekly · 15/04/2019 09:20

For me that would be a betrayal too far. It’s not just a random stranger is was your friend and neighbor who lives 3 doors down!!! You can’t even escape him and move forward with your life unless you move house etc and agree she and you no longer have any contact with him ever again! He’s also been sniffing around her like a dog if he’s in your house whilst you’re at work!
4 years ago or not, the guy is still very much present in your lives and your GF has done nothing to deter him or refrain from contact with him.
If you rent then move out!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 11:39

Ouch. That must really hurt. Not just the actual act of them sleeping together, but them both knowing about it, while being in such close proximity all these years.

I wouldn't be able to forgive that. Have you confronted your 'friend' about this? I'm assuming the lifts to work have stopped!

NameChangeNugget · 15/04/2019 12:02

I’d seriously be more annoyed with my friend. You just don’t do that

hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2019 12:05

We are all different.
We all have different deal-breakers.
Cheating is an immediate end of a relationship for me. But many others do work through it.
The trust has gone and it will need a lot from her to build it back up again.
I would suggest some counselling as a first thing to do.
But only you know if you can live with this or not.

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