Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice about how to explain to a child that her father is on a non-molestation order

7 replies

usernamefromhell · 14/04/2019 22:47

Just that really. My STBXH has made several death threats about me recently and has been put on a short-term restraining order, with the police having strongly recommended to me that I go for a non-molestation order via my solicitor (which I intend to do as soon as possible).

My relationship with him has been bad for some time, obviously separated four years and going through a divorce. He has never accepted that the relationship is over and is constantly threatening me over various things, particularly over the proceeds of the divorce demanding his agreed settlement be paid early although it hasn't yet been signed off by the court, trying to prevent me from working or having any kind of social life. Accompanied by occasional death threats, constant suicide threats, occasional violence and harassment. He has never paid a penny in maintenance and has refused to do all but the most minimal childcare. Clearly childcare is now out of the question. I've tried really hard for far too long to remain civil in order to enable my daughter to remain in contact with him and he has been welcome in my home despite this, all of which has left me open to this sort of behaviour, but enough is now enough.

I need to explain to her in a way which doesn't frighten her or make her think that I have taken her away from him, that she can only see her dad through contact centres (if at all).

Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation as to how to do this? She still loves him very much and will be very upset.

OP posts:
Hairyhat · 14/04/2019 22:50

How old is she?

usernamefromhell · 14/04/2019 22:52

Hairyhat she's 8

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/04/2019 22:56

"Daddy has behaved badly towards me and the police have said he has to stay away from me and only spend time with you in a contact centre where other adults will be there to make sure everyone is ok"

Age appropriate truth nothing more nothing less.

Thanks
Ribbonsonabox · 14/04/2019 23:06
Flowers I agree with age appropriate truth. You should always tell children as much of the truth as they can understand. None of this is your fault you do not need to cover for him and it's best that you do not. She will be upset however simply you phrase it, theres no getting round that but that is the sad consequence of his actions. Obviously do not go into detail with her about the threats but I think the truth, that he has not behaved well towards you and so can longer be allowed around you for your safety, will need to be stated. Try to keep it as unemotional as possible even though I'm sure this must be very frightening and stressful for you yourself.
Hairyhat · 14/04/2019 23:24

Mine is 8 now and you'll be surprised how well she deals with it. Just keep it breezy and non emotional. She will be fine. You are showing what a great mum you are by worrying about this. Hopefully, like me, you are worrying more than you need to. Good luck

usernamefromhell · 15/04/2019 06:47

Thanks everyone. I suppose I've been hoping that there will be an innocuous and non-upsetting way of explaining the situation to her but this is clearly not going to happen and time to face up to it and talk to her.

I have worked really hard over the years not to badmouth him to her as I don't want to end up in the future being accused of poisoning her mind against him. So I've always been extremely positive to her about him. In retrospect I have probably taken this way too far and a dose of reality is needed for her to adjust to the situation.

I think you are right that age-appropriate truth is the best way forward.

Hairyhat it sounds like you have personal experience of this. How did your DD react?

OP posts:
Hairyhat · 15/04/2019 19:03

I think my child already knew their Dad wasn't all good. And I was dreading telling them any more home truths but it was remarkably painless. Asked a few questions then said something mundane like "what's for tea"

New posts on this thread. Refresh page