My husband cheated on me two months after baby

[Alexldn89]

Hi guys,

Please excuse this long winded message.
Been with my husband five years, marrried one and a half.
When we met he was going through court as his ex was caught cheating and she repaid him by taking him to court saying he was abusive etc. This meant he didn’t see his 1 year old daughter for two months when he was exceptionally close to her. He was found not guilty and he got joint custody but he became this angry. Nasty person. He was angry and scared and he had to have anger management and therapy etc but I stuck by him.. he has mental health issues from this and a bad childhood (abuse)

We had his daughter with us every other weekend for 5 years and she sees me as another parent. He also was great for four years and was so happy. We got married and four months ago welcomed our own baby.
When she was born he say saying how in love he was with me and he was thrilled showing his family off. Everything was great until the middle of February, he backed off so I could bond more with baby and he seemed to start finding her crying intolerable.. he would get angry at her at night. He was off with me and acting strange.

He went to training in Birmingham and when he came back was odd. He went to a late night dentist .. which I didn’t think much of as he had a bad tooth but the next day he simply got up and left saying he might want a divorce ..
errrmm?! What?

So for about three weeks he would come home and go between loving me and wanting to sort himself out and saying he didn’t want to be with me. He slept with me during this time also. He was like a different person. In that time he stayed at a hotel once.
At the end of March it came out he met some silly little girl at training and nothing had happened but they carried on talking and slept together (he told me one night before he went out). I called her and in true silly kid fashion she said she knew it was wrong but she was telling him to sort it out with his family. Yeah right love. She also said they’d stopped talking.
So I confronted him and he’d gone out the night before got hammered so I stormed over to his mothers house and showed him her photo to which he admitted it etc etc ... his family were devastated as EVERYONE said after what he had been through he would NEVER cheat which he always promised. So imagine the shock and sadness from everyone.

Later that day he admitted he had still been speaking to her because she was the only one who knew what he’d done and had no one else to speak to to which I lost my temper etc etc.
Either way he text her and said I want nothing to do with u.. equally his family said if u speak to her you can get lost.
He told me and everyone he felt I no longer loved him ( we hadn’t had sex really since I’d be pregnant 😐I know) he felt I was only with him for the baby but didn’t want him.. foolishly I always gave him so much attention before the baby..

He went on to say he’d do anything to get us back. It was a huge mistake, he was remorseful and ashamed.
Soon after that he seemed to change again and just nose dived, said he was so ashamed and guilty and felt awful and couldn’t believe he was capable of doing that to me of all people. He started saying he was worried he’d do it again and he’d hurt me again and he couldn’t be sure he was a good person any more (he has anxiety and ice btw) hence the overthinking. And said maybe it wasn’t what he wanted as he didn’t know himself anymore ..

Anyway, I took his daughter to him on mother’s day and when I left I kissed my step daughter goodbye and sobbed as I walked away. I received a text saying he didn’t know what to do.. we didn’t talk until I saw him Friday when we were alone to drop off baby he wanted to hug me and said I do love you.. he’d told me the week before he was depressed and stated taking medication for it. So I asked about that and he kept trying to hug me. I left and the next day he saw his daughter again but he seemed low and stressed (he works a lot and so on) but he said I love you quite sadly when we left.

Anyway ... I don’t know what to say.. my whole life’s turned upside down. Me and his baby were all he ever wanted and suddenly he just changed (the week before his training). His whole demeanour, he was tutting at the baby crying and saying he couldn’t cope with her .. not like the man I knew..

And now I don’t know what to do.
He says about he wants to take baby steps towards maybe working us out but .. I don’t know how to feel. Has anyone else been through anything lke this?!

I just need help. I don’t know what happened to my husband .

He cheated on you
Justified it to you by saying he thought the grass was greener
His ex wife went to the degree of taking him to court over 'alleged' abusive behaviour
He has demonstrated intolerance and abusive behaviour to your baby

I'm sorry but why are you considering wasting any more of your life with this fuckwit?

Me and his ex have always agreed on childcare for his and her daughter . In fact we’re meeting up this week with the kids. We’ve spoken about how he treated her in the past and so forth.
She cheated on him.. her new partner was told by her he was abusive and vile so when they split, she kept up appearances that he was indeed abusive etc because that’s the story she’d been giving out to her new family ..
I probably didn’t mention that.

I’m not believing him either, I believe stuff about the past because my brother is married to his sister so I was already aware of how things were prior to really knowing him. And the abuse they suffered growing up.

No ones making excuses for him. I wanted advice because prior to this in five years he’s never done anything to me .. apart from love and adore me.. that’s all. So I wanted people with similar stories to just try and help me make sense of it.
That’s all.

And yeah she is a silly little girl sleeping with him while she said herself “I know it was wrong” so let’s not make out she was an innocent party.

He does need mental health help, definitely.

And no ones saying about wasting more time on him.. I am simply trying to get help to pick it apart as I am still in shock..

I just need to vent and try and understand it better

I'm not sure what you want help understanding?

It sounds as though you would like there to be a medical reason (pnd) for his behaviour in order to try and justify/excuse it..?

Basically he was offered sex on a plate by a bit of skirt and jumped at the chance. That's all you need to understand really.

Why drive yourself mad over why he did it? Chances are you'll never really know.

What you do need to understand is that you are better off without this scumbag.

Some people do make mistakes when life is stressful, some relationships do recover from infidelity too.

OP, this is awful. You’ve been had by a liar :( you got with him only 8 weeks after he split with ex! She cheated on him and he was plunged into a court case and had to have anger management? Who saw him through all of that? Who was his shoulder to cry on? You. Oh dear, you are a classic rebound :( you just didn’t see it. He used you as an emotional crutch. He was/is too weak to be on his own. You should never ever get with somebody that quickly after a split like he had. He needed a year on his own minimum. This is why he can so easily walk away from you. He doesn’t really love you. Not really. He’s messed up. You’d be best to be done with him and start building a more secure life for yourself without him in it, you deserve better than this palava.

I'm very sorry. But please do not leave your baby with him. From what you have said he is not of sound mind to look after a small baby. Especially as he has been getting impatient with her.

Picture him shaking your baby in anger and frustration. Picture him in bed with his other woman. Texting her while you weren't looking. Making plans to meet up with her and lying to your face. Then decide what a catch he is.

You say your husband was not abusive to his ex then in the next sentence write he had to get anger management classes etc.

His ex was concerned to leave him alone with their child, funny that he has now turned on your baby and is finding it hard to cope with her.

So many red flags you chose to ignore in this relationship. Is it really a surprise he is a cheat? Considering his past behaviour.

Don't play the 'pick me' dance. Let this catch walk away.

I meant to say, I read the OP as each fact unfolded - anger management required, not allowed to see his first daughter until the court case, MH issues, quickly getting into a serious new relationship when his first child was about one. The OP said it was these circumstances that had made him nasty and bitter (implying that he had been sweetness and light before). I thought this is an OP who had blinkers on and took on the role of supporter. Creating a happy story. He didn't change OP. Having a noisy baby who requires patience and commitment caused him to look elsewhere.

You’re trying to rationalise his behaviour to justify not leaving. That’s ok but you do need to acknowledge that.

I get it, ‘you changed him’ after his awful Ex and now it’s probably male PND that has triggered this behaviour. The problem is that there’s always something or someone to blame. He didn’t suddenly change, there’s enough in his past to suggest that this is a pattern of behaviour that you refuse to see because it doesn’t match the story told to you.

I. Sorry...I'm usually in favour of trying to work things out but he sounds like a total shit...and as others have said he is giving the standard cheating scrip, including the mental heath shit.

Difficult as it is, be strong now and send him off to his next victim as he will cheat again on you given the ease he has done now

It sounds to me like the opportunity arose and he jumped at the chance. The guilt was obviously too much for him so he came clean but only after making some very lame excuses about the state of your relationship. You have been nothing but supportive of him. Stuck by him, provided free childcare for his daughter and even went on to have a baby by him. You are not at fault! He needs to seek counseling for his past and you need to decide whether you can forgive his indiscretion and move forward as a family. The only way you can do that is if he is totally honest with you and he stops running away. He needs to face up to what he’s done and spend his time making it up to you! If he can’t do that then walk away!

Who saw him through all of that? Who was his shoulder to cry on? You. Oh dear, you are a classic rebound sad you just didn’t see it. He used you as an emotional crutch. He was/is too weak to be on his own

This ^

I read something sad once. It was about women who have supported boyfriends through college and other hard times only to get dumped for a new model when the guy becomes successful. They couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to stay with the loyal partner who'd seen him through his worst time.

The relationship "guru" said that men don't want the woman who saw them in their down times or to be reminded of those times - they want the woman they now have the ability to attractive in their new persona.

*ability to attract FFS

Some of what pp's said here may seem harsh to you, OP, but they are spot on and you really need to hear it.
You are still choosing not to see him for what he truly is - an abuser, liar and a cheat. And just a horrible selfish immature entitled person in general.
He fed you a bunch of lies, you fell for it but it's time to face the truth. I know it's hard and not fair, I know you don't deserve it, your child doesn't deserve it, but that's why it's even more important to see him for what he is.
You say you just want to understand and, while it is completely understandable, there's nothing to understand really, and you shouldn't wate your time and sanity trying to figure it out. He is a shit person, he has done it before, and he will do it again. Nothing more to it, really. Why agonise over something as simple as that?
I know it's so much easier said than done, but if you get rid of him NOW you and your child will be so much happier and healthier in the long run. He has nothing good to offer.

*waste, not wate

2 months after him and his ex spilt and they had a child. Wow!

Its very likely he's still seeing this woman.