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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won’t leave

11 replies

Broken19 · 14/04/2019 18:24

My husband admitted to kissing and groping a work colleague on a night out. What was meant to be a work team do, was in fact a meal for 2 and on to a night club.
He couldn’t deny it, I was sent photos videos and messages from 4 different people.

I tried to kick him out but he won’t leave.
I’ve tried to be civil for the kids.

He says he’s sorry and it was a drunken mistake. But looking back he had been leaving early for work and getting home 3-4 hours late.

It broke me. But the only way I’m getting through each day is for the kids and when he goes to work I have to remind myself we are no longer together so what he does now is none of my concern.
I can’t put myself through the torture of wondering what he’s doing every time he’s stepping out the door.

He keeps throwing at my that if I’m not willing to him a chance to prove himself then I must have someone else.
I haven’t even looked at anybody in that way from our first date.

I can’t take him back. I don’t think I can forgive and forget but he keeps acting as if nothing happened.
I don’t know what to do??!!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 14/04/2019 18:26

Tell him to not judge you on his standards....
File for divorce....

FuriousVexation · 14/04/2019 20:24

Do you own or rent?
Whose name is on the mortgage/tenancy?

Rspu1384 · 14/04/2019 20:39

He sounds selfish and trying to turn his guilt around on you. I’d pack his bags and chuck them out the door if it was me.

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 01:13

They went on a date. This was not a drunken mistake and the pp who sent you the evidence have known this for a while.

He was flaunting it and they got fed up with it. They were annoyed with him taking you for a fool.

I'd be telling it's over, he needs to move out and I'd let him know (if it was me) that his family members and yours will be informed...with evidence why its over.

Perhaps seeing some divorce information lying around, will let him know you're serious.

SpinneyHill · 15/04/2019 01:20

He keeps throwing at my that if I’m not willing to him a chance to prove himself then I must have someone else

If you won't let me convince you that me cheating wasn't a big deal then you must be cheating....(Of course if you do let me get away with it I'll do it again)

Sounds like he's got a bit of experience in this. Surprised you haven't been told to change the locks yet

shakenfizzydrink · 15/04/2019 01:43

He's gaslighting you.

Do you own or rent?

lovinglifexo · 15/04/2019 01:56

I feel for you but you don’t have a right to throw him out - if ur married and own the house, he has just as much right to the house as you.

Try speaking to him but kicking him out isn’t legal. He could call the police and get access again !

mummmy2017 · 15/04/2019 07:52

Tell him I know , that I have not cheated, if you believe me or not I really don't care, it is beside the point.
However you did cheat, you have admitted this, there is evidence of this, so I no longer have any trust in you.
You could have caught AIDS for all I know.
So due to your actions I now want a divorce...
Repeat... It does not matter if you think I might have cheated, we both know 100% you have....

another20 · 15/04/2019 08:03

Tell him it’s over ONCE.

Then don’t engage in any conversation with him but take ACTION - make it REAL.

Tell all your F&F that you are divorcing.

Get all your paperwork together and out of the house. See a solicitor and issue divorce proceedings.

Move his stuff out of the bedroom. Do not do any washing cooking or cleaning for him. Put the house on the market (if your own) - Seek another rental and give notice if you rent.

Just keep moving on calmly and decisively. He can’t control you and hold you back.

Look after yourself emotionally - get support from F&Fs. Pace yourself.

You not need proof of an affair (although as PP have said it is 100%) and you don’t need him to admit it. YOU have decided that you don’t want to be married to this person anymore - that’s enough.

megrichardson · 15/04/2019 08:13

Hide your documents, I suspect that he will turn nasty once he knows you mean it. Visit Citizen's advice to see what your options are.

Middersweekly · 15/04/2019 09:03

I am so sorry @OP Flowers
I agree he is gaslighting you. There is definitely more going on than a drunken snog on a night out. It sounds like he’s having a physical affair and flaunting it quite openly in front of people you both know.
You may not ever get him to confess but you have the photo evidence from 4 different people! If you both own the property then unfortunately he does have a legal right to be there but do as PP suggested and start living your life as if you’re single and he doesn’t exist. Make dinner for yourself and the children. Don’t do any household chores for him, don’t engage him in conversation. Call a solicitor and get a free 30 minute consultation and go from there.
Lastly don’t let him try and blame you for his actions by trying to turn the tables and accuse you! You have done nothing wrong!

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