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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

mutually ghosting and I miss him

19 replies

minny80 · 14/04/2019 17:26

Sorry for the long post.
Meet last December and we immediately clicked, spending lots of time together and keeping in touch multiple time per day. We had a great holiday in January and decided to book another one for Easter. Things were going well but we had a couple of discussions triggered by me because I was feeling insecure (not saying it was all my fault, but admittedly discussion triggers were silly) After the second one, he said he has already been in a relationship where discussions were happening on a daily basis and didn't want to repeat that. Towards mid-March he starts becoming more and more distant, fewer messages, cancelled appointment etc. I ask him if everything is all right and he says works is stressful. We spend a weekend together with kids and he makes no mention of planning for the week after (he always spends Mondays and Tuesdays at mine as my son is with his dad). Because of this and other stressors in my life, we have another discussion and I decided to ask him not to talk for a couple of days to get some headspace. Beginning of the end: I get in touch and ask to talk, he refuses and says he's too busy at work,then we have another discussion because he is incredibly argumentative on things like he is always coming at mine ( he never complained about it in fact, he is much closer to his workplace from where I live and I even gave him keys to let himself in) . , when we manage to talk again he sayshe is confused and wants to think about things. He then left me after a couple of days, straight after I told himI want to try to find a way to work things out. I don't contact him anymore and he gets in touch after a few days saying he misses me. We stay in touch (he was away for work) and then start meeting again but he is very distant and cautious. In the meanwhile, the Easter holiday is fast approaching, and he says he is not sure whether he wants to go. I tell him he needs to decide in time for us to cancel without losing too much money. Notice that I have my son half of the time while has his every other weekend, so Easter is probably 1 of the few weeks I can go away. He keeps taking time, because "he is too busy" "he is too tired to think" etc. I get increasingly frustrated to be kept in a limbo and other behaviours he displays like not displayingany affection, simply ignoring my requests of having some notice before organising things together, etc. So I decide to cancel my part of the holiday booking and let him know. After that, we had just a couple of brief conversations about the refunds and then total radio silence. So we kind of mutually ghosted each other :-( I am gutted things have gone this way, on the other hand, I am not sure whether there would be anything I can really do to fix our relationship as things have started going wrong after he is gone distant. Shall I just let it be and move on?

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 14/04/2019 17:31

It all sounds very full on considering you only met in december. You went on holiday after a month of being together?

You should still be in the honeymoon phase of getting to know each other after 4 months, not having regular ‘discussions’ about your relationship.

DianaT1969 · 14/04/2019 17:33

Sorry, when you say you met him last December, do you mean 3/4 months ago?

minny80 · 14/04/2019 17:36

We meet between the end of November and beginning of December 2018. I agree the relationship proceeded very fast, which to some degree I believe it's part of the problem. Although I am not sure what's wrong about going on a short holiday together 2 months after we started to date...

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 14/04/2019 17:37

If you did meet 3/4 months ago and he has a key to your home, you're planning your 2nd holiday and having serious discussions about emotions, insecurities and the future, then I think you need to treat this as a learning curve and slow down next time.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/04/2019 17:40

Yes, I'd let it be and move on. Fast-and-furious relationships like this tend to implode far more than they work out. Too intense; too much projection; not enough reality to sustain the illusions.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/04/2019 17:42

What I mean by that last statement is that the more a relationship evolves, the more one gets to know the person underneath. If there's a solid grounding to the relationship, it can help to hold things together once the projections start wearing off. Without that grounding, the facade disintegrates - but there's nothing much underneath to hold anything together. In fact, there is nothing to hold together. It dissipates.

minny80 · 14/04/2019 17:46

Thanks for the comments, and I totally get the relationship went way too fast, in fact, the first discussion was triggered by me trying to slow things down a bit (good intentions but bad execution). Just a shame we didn't manage to work things out...

OP posts:
Cloudyyy · 14/04/2019 17:51

Why all the discussions after a few months of dating? Sounds very full on.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 14/04/2019 18:10

Whose kids were you spending the weekend with?

The issue is you moved too fast too soon. The seriousness of it triggered you to want to talk about it. That made him wary because of past experiences. Because you didnt actually take the time to get to know each other.

Holidays are great, but its sign a relationship is getting serious. After 8 weeks that's jumping the gun.

As is involving the kids. If you had taken this slower, you wouldn't be as invested and pushing the serious converstations.

I am currently, dealing with the fall out of exh breaking up with his girlfriend and the impact on the kids. Admittedly, he took it loads faster. They moved in together after 12 weeks. Them, our kids and her kids. We share the kids 50:50 so they lived with her half the time. Less than a year later they are splitting and moving house again.

If it was just you, I would say it's just one of those things. But when kids are involved you really need to take it slower.

NameChangeNugget · 14/04/2019 18:25

Too much, too soon.

Chalk this one up to experience

Cobblersandhogwash · 14/04/2019 18:28

I bet you really miss him.

It sounds full on and quite intense. When that goes, everything seems a bit humdrum and empty.

Take a breath.

Perhaps a full on romance like that was what you needed at the time. But it clearly wasn't sustainable.

I wonder if this bloke does that a lot? Gets very quickly involved and then backs off. There are lots of people like that - emotional vampires.

Can you take a holiday with your ds instead?

Step back. Next time when you meet someone make sure you take it very slowly.

minieggmunchers · 14/04/2019 19:09

Red flags all over this. Please look up Love Bombing (Narcissist idealise phase). You went on holiday after a month, then on and off...… lucky escape, this is only the start of it. Run while you can.

Babymamamama · 14/04/2019 19:15

Next time stick to dating for a much longer time- no handing out keys to your home, booking holidays etc etc. It was far too much too soon.

LaughingCow99 · 14/04/2019 19:19

If he wanted you in his life, you would be in it. Don't waste your tears on anyone that doesn't feel the same. It hurts, but you deserve better. Couples work through far worse, don't make excuses for him.

Boilerbap · 14/04/2019 19:56

IMO any relationship you're having "discussions" and argument in the first 6 months off is pretty doomed. Sounds like very hard work. Dodged a bullet. I don't even think if you had been together since December 2017 it would be a good sign- it's still messy and a lot after a short time.

minny80 · 14/04/2019 20:02

Thanks everybody. I don't think he is a narcissist, but I do think towards the end he was too self-absorbed with his life to want to spend time and energies on this relationship and I was the one pushing forward. Which is why I decided to cancel the holiday. I do miss him, but I miss what we had before and not how he turned in the last month or so. I do deserve better than that.

OP posts:
Summersun89 · 14/04/2019 20:04

you didn't ghost him! Ghosting is when you go radio silence because you don't want to communicate with that person again.
I dislike when women say they're insecure and therefore had to have 'discussions'. How is you wanting to assert what is going on in your relationship insecure? Look back and be pleased with yourself that you did ask questions, that you were ensuring you weren't being taken the piss out of ....thats not insecurity that is you being on it!
BTW like others say when you're in the right relationship you won't need these discussions. You'll just click and it'll all be simple, trust me.

He doesn't want a relationship and he's shown this by being a baby and moaning about chatting about grown up things like a relationship.

Miniloso · 14/04/2019 21:05

IMO you did nothing wrong! Why waste months/years with someone who isn’t on the same page? I’d much rather be honest from the get go. If it’s meant to be it will work out. He’s just not the right person for you.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 21:29

Shall I just let it be and move on?
Yes x 100

Please hear me when I say, When you meet the right person it’s just easy. Everything is easy there’s no drama,no insecurity, no confusion, it’s just nice...

As an FYI - You sound like you have anxious attachment and he was avoidant which is a terrible match. You should seek out people who are have a secure attachment style

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