Dating a widower

[HelpIcantfindaname]

After 2 failed marriages (first I left because he was abusive, 2nd left me for the OW) I met a lovely man online. I didnt rush into anything, I've had lots of time being single & concentrating on my kids.(I have 3 grown up DC & DD10).
My bf is a widower with 1 son. His wife died 7 years ago.
We have been together almost 2 years. Last year we talked about moving in together in the next year or so & began to make plans. Then he changed his mind, & now doesnt want us to live together till the kids go to uni. He would lose a lot of money if he lived with someone so I know finances are one reason. Also, he likes his own house & own space sometimes. He stays here some weekends, I stay at his some weekends
Most of the time I'm ok with that. But sometimes it gets me down....he has been married 2x. The last one he met online too & they moved in together pretty fast & had their child.
Originally I didnt want to date a widower, I worried I'd always feel second best. However, we get on so well, we never argue. He is so kind & we laugh lots together & I know he loves me. But it's not like he split with his wife cos of a problem in the relationship... she died, if she hadnt he would still be with her, he only has happy memories of her. He says he understands that that is difficult but assures me that was his past & I am his future.
So why does it still sometimes get me down? How can I stop thinking like this?

Was it his most recent wife he met online that died? Or the first one?

He's saying not until the kids go to Uni, but it sounds like he prefers his own space and may be happy to keep it like this.

A marriage is meant to be until death parts you both. You don't know that they would have still been together if she was alive.

If you feel happy with him, then try and be secure in yourself.

How old is his child. How long will it be til that MIGHT go to Uni

Then he changed his mind, & now doesnt want us to live together till the kids go to uni. He would lose a lot of money if he lived with someone so I know finances are one reason.

How long til the kids go to uni? Why would he lose money? Don't put your happiness on hold

TBH there are two issues here.

Firstly, he’s a widower and that sits uncomfortably with you because essentially you’re competing with an angel. He’s single because his wife died. That doesn’t mean that he’s not able to move forward, he obviously has/is, but it does mean that there isn’t a defined reason why the relationship ended which doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t probably still be together now. You can’t imagine that you are able to be to him what his ex wasn’t for instance, because she’s dead, and is his child’s mother, and he will always acknowledge that. He’s always going to love her, acknowledge her in ways which he wouldn’t have had they split for other reasons. But that is your issue to deal with I’m afraid. And you’re not wrong if you feel you can’t get past that, many people can’t.

Secondly, you only have to read the step parenting boards to see that blending families is an undertaking of epic proportion and very rarely works out. He’s actually wise to not want to blend your families even though that’s difficult. But again, if you struggle with that then it might be time to move on. Personally I wouldn’t move a man in while my child was still living here either, and he and my partner get on very well, but he is unable to live with me for a multitude of reasons and that has actually worked out well as it happens. But if there were children on both sides I wouldn’t even have considered it.

I'm in a similar situation. I have two DC, one due to go to uni this year and DC2 in two years time.

On my current income I get tax credits and when DC go to uni they get the full loans and bursaries.

If I moved in with my current partner I/they would lose that. I can't afford to make up the loss and don't feel it's fair to expect a new partner who is not their dad pay.

Their birth dad is not financially stable, so will not help. So I'm in a situation where I can't move forward for five years without it disadvantaging my DC.

Just to add new partner has no DC and accepts the situation and at the moment it works well for us.

My daughter is 10, his son is 12. Yeah, they might not go to uni at all.
My son is 30 & only moved out last year! (Actually, my son moved out & came back 3x. But hes not going to come back this time.) When he moved out last summer I had a spare room hence us talking about bf & son moving in.
His house is in a nicer area but only 2 bedrooms. His house actually belongs to his son, as they put it in his name before his mam died. We were thinking of renting that one, but all profits have to go in son's account. Bf would have nothing to put into buying a house together & is not used to paying a mortgage. If he lived with someone else he would lose widows allowance plus tax credits. Financially it's better this way, but I dont want to live alone when I'm an old woman. I own my house & need to protect my daughters interests, especially whole she is a dependant.
My self esteem dips at times & I think that's a big reason why I'm having trouble with things just now.
He met the wife who died online. Him & his first wife divorced before that.
Sometimes I see it as good our kids dont have to live together but sometimes I wish we were all together as a family..
I love him, hes definitely the best fella I've ever met. I just need to get over these "second best" feelings that crop up from time to time.
Apart from not wanting to live with me, he doesn't do anything else to make me feel second best. And I know they didn't have kids when they met, so it was easier to move in together.
Logically, I know he is right. And this is probably better for my DD.
I just need to keep my positive head on & believe in me more.

Thank you for your replies.

That is a lot of complicated history & relationships to manage.

My friend died leaving husband & 3yo son behind. She would have wanted him to be happy, not comparing the next woman to herself or holding himself back from happiness. Your fellow chooses to be with you now and that's what matters. Most people have lots of room in their hearts to love many people.