Not sure what I’m looking for with this post, a little support I guess.
My Husband and I have been together for almost 15 years, and from the start I’ve found aspects of his behaviour ‘challenging’, and do find him to be very selfish. This isn’t a trait that I find attractive in anyone but as our relationship has grown, it’s something that I feel I’ve learnt to accept as part of him, along with all the things about him that I do love, find attractive etc, and have learnt to live with it.
The problematic behaviour for me is sporadic episodes of aggression, irrational/inexplicable anger followed very swiftly by passive aggression i.e epic sulking and cold-shouldering me that can go on for days. I could give endless examples. In the early days I used to spend days, hours, weeks torturing myself, re-playing scenarios and conversations etc wondering what I’d done wrong, but as time’s gone on I’ve (almost) learnt to accept that it usually isn’t something I’ve done wrong (or if it is, it was so minor that most ‘normal’ people would just call it out, have a minor disagreement then move on) but is actually a problem with him, some inability to express his feelings, have a rational discussion about any issues or problems and move on.
Any argument we have goes from nought to nuclear in seconds, can come out of nowhere, and usually involves him going round the house within minutes, gathering up belongings, preparing to walk out, and I always end up trying to placate, and I hate to say on occasions begging him to stay and talk. I’m always the one who tries to smooth it over, if I genuinely think I have been in the wrong I’ll always quickly admit it, and put my hands up, own it etc as I believe that’s what decent people do. I don’t in any way consider myself perfect, we all have flaws. I’m always the one who ends up saying sorry though (even when I know full well that either I don’t owe an apology, or that we both do) but he almost never apologises for anything. I think I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve ever heard him say the word ‘sorry’.
We have weathered some fairly big problems together over the years, and lately I have been feeling that we’re probably closer than ever and in fact we’d even talked about that recently. The last few years these episodes have become far less frequent, and when things are going well , we go months or even years on end genuinely both feeling happy, content etc.
I did something that upset him a few days ago, which was meant with no mal-intent or unkindness whatsoever on my part (I’m actually guessing how he feels, as he hasn’t told me). It blew up, he shouted, we had a brief argument (I didn’t raise my voice), I tried to explain to him that my actions were innocuous, but he then retreated into a silence, and has barely spoken to me all weekend. It’s torture. I’ve tried to just carry on as normal, put a brave face on etc, but have actually spent all weekend feeling depressed, tearful and hurt. Being treated this way in your own home by someone you love is a lonely place to be. Experience has taught me that there is little or no point trying to talk to him at this point or coax him out of this mood. I just have to wait it out.
It feels as if he has a real inability to examine his own behaviour, and actions, and his default is to assume the position of the wronged party. I don’t know whether he has an ability to empathise with how he makes me feel, or if he honestly feels so ‘wronged’, that that’s all he can feel / see.
I know that the above paints a picture that isn’t very pretty, but most of the time, I honestly am happy in our relationship, I really do love him and want to spend our lives together but when things like this happen, I feel as if the person I love has been replaced with a stranger.