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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset by weird friendship

25 replies

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 12:05

I am looking for a fresh perspective and some advice as I'm driving myself mad about this situation I find myself in.

I have been close friends with this person (I will call her Sue) since our DDs started reception class - so about 5 years.

We became very good friends and shared great times and laughs over the years. However! I am quite a shy person, I have just a few close friends and don't really consider myself to be popular. Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly and chatty, but I'm just as happy to be with my family when I get in from work and watch a bit of telly. Sue on the other hand has about 30 close friends. She seems to get a new mate every month! Some last, some are dropped. I have always found this sort of weird, but she is very extrovert and popular so I understand why she makes friends easily.

But over the last few months I really feel like she is hurting me on purpose. For example, arranging meals or days out with new people and seeing a lot less of me. She constantly texts or rings me to share her problems and ask advice, but during this she will text or say "I'm going for some retail therapy with xxx tomorrow!" Or "I've signed up to yoga with xxx". It's like I'm just an ear for her problems now.

If I talk about anything I have done with my friends she will fiddle on her phone, or read a menu, until my voice just peters out. She's never interested. Basically, I feel like part of her friend "collection" and this doesn't feel like a genuine friendship.

My DH thinks she only keeps me close for her DD's sake....so her DD has our DD as a playmate. I really hate to think that is true because I would be devastated at that level of manipulative behaviour.

Why do I feel so bad about this? Am I right to feel used?

OP posts:

FuriousVexation · 14/04/2019 12:27

It doesn't sound like a very rewarding friendship for you. She sounds very self-absorbed. She is probably like this with all her friends. She needs to feel "popular" by the sounds of it.

I would probably just draw back a bit, don't contact her, give short replies to her texts moaning about her problems.

springydaff · 14/04/2019 12:27

Of course you feel bad! Who wouldn't?

I got rid of a 'friend' for precisely this. The nail in the coffin was when she said she was going out with 'the girls' that week. "I'm a girl" I thought...

She doesn't value you. You're a convenient dumping ground. If she's like my ex friend, she enjoys you but like a good book on a shelf. Not good enough for me, thanks.

I'd put some distance between you iiwy. Xx

BarefootHippieChick · 14/04/2019 12:31

There's no need to be friends just because your dds are friends. They will still play together if they want to even if you just drop your friendship to a polite 10 minutes chit chat when dropping off or picking up. Sounds like she has too many friends to be a particularly good one, and you don't need a friend like that.

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 12:32

Thank you for your replies, I like the good book on a shelf analogy because that is exactly how I feel! And she is very self absorbed, because if I say something like: we spent the day at the park, she will never ask "what park? Did you have fun?" She will just come back with something she did that trumps it. I feel stupid not seeing her true colours until now. I think I need to widen my social circle!

OP posts:

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 12:34

Barefoot : Yes, maybe I've hung on to the friendship too long for our DD. She is what she is, and to be around her really hurts me. I know that's dramatic, but it does.

OP posts:

BarefootHippieChick · 14/04/2019 12:39

coconut it can only be a good thing that you're finally realising it. I agree with pp to start drawing back, short replies to text messages, and if she suggests meeting up say 'Oh i have plans but dd would love to still come and play' etc.

Bemusedagain · 14/04/2019 12:41

YANBU and I think your feelings are spot on. I recently backed off from a friend who is exactly like this. It was a big birthday for her and she had multiple nights out booked with “her girlfriends” and she didn’t include me on any of them. Not really a friend though. She’s happy to offload all her relationship problems on me though. Don’t put up with this. She’s a flakey friend and they aren’t worth investing in.

Bemusedagain · 14/04/2019 12:43

Oh and don’t bother confronting it with her or trying to explain your feelings. She’s a social networker who is only concerned with popularity. You won’t change her behaviour. She’ll just use you as a backup friend. Time to pull back and don’t invest any more time.

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 12:47

Bemused - it's incredibly hurtful to be treated like that, I feel for you xx It almost feels like being back at school at times, and it angers me that I let myself get so upset. I'm certainly going to withdraw now. I've had enough of feeling so used.

OP posts:

FriarTuck · 14/04/2019 12:47

She is probably like this with all her friends.
This ^^. All her friends supply her with a new fix of being interesting for a while and then she moves on to new ones. Don't take it personally, just ease her out.

Smotheroffive · 14/04/2019 12:54

She's not your 'friend'.

Concentrate on your real friends. It's a toxic relationship for her benefit and superficial reasons.

You're a friend, she's not.

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 12:55

Thank you everyone, so so helpful xx

OP posts:

LuckyLou7 · 14/04/2019 12:58

You don't need this woman in your life. Concentrate on people who cherish you and make you feel good.

stanski · 14/04/2019 13:01

I have had a friend like this in the past. I let things drift as imo wasn't worth it. Going back would do the same thing again

Justamumma · 14/04/2019 15:36

Wow, sounds exactly like my situation with a friend at the moment, I feel she is only friends with me because I have a child, for her child to play with, but this weekend was her birthday and I was blanked... No messaged asking if I was going, don't think she particularly wanted me there at all....

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 16:23

I do think that it makes some people feel better about themselves to feel in demand and have so many friends. Obviously, I m not saying people shouldn't have a lot of friends - it's at the speed "Sue" picks up new friendships which feels quite disingenuous. It makes me question how I regard her as one of my closest friends, when in reality I am replaceable to her.

Justamumma - I certainly think that I am only important to Sue due to our kids now, and this has taken me a long time to face. Don't let yourself be treated in this way as long as I have! Xx

OP posts:

Bittern11 · 14/04/2019 16:27

If being around her hurts you, cut her out. Don’t see her. She sounds awful. Focus on making nice friends instead.

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 16:54

Bittern - I plan to start to draw away from her now. I think because we were so close, and I'm quite hard on myself for being a shy person, I just thought she wasn't treating me badly it was because I was too boring for her to invite out with her new mates. And then I feel dreadful about myself. Such a crappy friendship, now I'm reading all of this back. How dare she!

OP posts:

HappyLife21 · 14/04/2019 17:05

I don’t really see that she’s done anything that much wrong, apart from not be interested when you tell her you’ve gone to the park.

If the friendship is painful to you then pull back, but I would say it’s natural for friendships to wax and wane, and if she’s like this with everyone else she is unlikely to be different with you. I don’t see what she’s done to make you think she’s manipulative though. Just let he friendship fade.

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 17:44

I just used the park conversation as an example of her disinterest in anything I have done outside of seeing her and listening to her run through her week. I take your point that you don't think she's manipulative.

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 14/04/2019 18:29

Shes not interested and is just keeping you as a back up. I've had this a couple of times. I think everyone has.
just drop her and say you are too busy if she asks to meet for a catch up or anything, she'll get the message.
Invest your time in meeting new people and spending time with others who are not users.

Boysey45 · 14/04/2019 18:33

I think theres nothing wrong with a friend telling you what they are doing with others etc or have done. That's as long as they still want to do things and make plans with you. No one wants to be a text only friend, its really rude of people to do this to someone.
I had a male friend do this to me and I eventually blocked him. He then had a go at me in the street when he saw me. I just said I was busy with caring and home decoration which was true.

LadyofDispleasure · 14/04/2019 20:07

I had a friend like this once and it was quite upsetting at the time. However once I realised she'd done the same to others and is just the way she operates, it all started looking really shallow to me and not at all genuine, and not what I want in a friend.

Decide what you want from a friendship and whether she fits in with that or not

Original poster

Coconutseasalt · 14/04/2019 20:45

At the very least I need a friend to be genuine, the more time passes the more I see she won't change. I'll always be her back up friend. Time to walk away.

OP posts:

Notwiththeseknees · 14/04/2019 21:46

Hope you replace her with someone genuine. She sounds totally self-absorbed and she has no interest in being a friend to you.

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