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Original poster

Is this normal or a red flag to leave ?

17 replies

Toleaveortostay · 14/04/2019 07:05

Hi, I have currently been in a relationship for nearly 3 years , I have two children from a previous relationship dd1 and dd2.
Short backstory .. when we met everything was fine , he was a really good guy I thought he was perfect. We fast forward to in the last year he has been putting pressure on me for us to live together however I just don’t feel ready. Then I have seen him behaving really differently with me , few months ago I was on my period and I didn’t feel like having sex with him . He starting raising his voice telling me he’s human and he’s has feelings and can’t cope without sex . This has happened a few times. So 9 weeks ago dad passed and I had been in another country sorting things out once after the funeral , I came home . Once I came back he started messaging me can’t wait to see me , has missed me etc. So I say to him that I’m feeling unwell as I have started my period. He came to pick me up and started shouting at me that we haven’t had sex in ages and he’s a human being and he has feelings . He can’t live without sex and he has done everything to make me happy and why don’t I trust him . I was really upset at this time and wondered whether I should leave this relationship . So I gave him another chance and he wanted us to go away him me and my two kids . Yesterday we are at a theme park and he says to me to go on a ride with my eldest as the youngest is too small to go on. When we went on the ride the exit was the same way as the entrance . He says he will stay there until I come back and then when we was queuing I see he was somewhere else . After the ride finished and we came off I come out him and dd were no where to be found . I was looking for them and panicking and at this point I can’t find them . Once I have found them after half an hour I must admit I’m feeling angry as he didn’t stay where he was going to stay and didn’t say where he was going . We had a argument and he made me feel really shit , told me all I do is have ago at him and he didn’t do anything wrong and just ignored me . Im just wondering if this is actually me being unreasonable or whether this is a red flag and I should end this relationship ?

OP posts:
Smoggle · 14/04/2019 07:08

Hassling you for sex and trying to coerce you into sex you don't want is more than a red flag! I'd dump him.

Ullupullu · 14/04/2019 07:10

Two red flags! Leave.

oatmilk4breakfast · 14/04/2019 07:10

Red flags everywhere. Disrespectful, deliberate challenging boundaries, awful sorry. Not able to consider your feelings at all...if you’re anyway thinking of leaving, trust your gut.

Shutuptodd · 14/04/2019 07:11

I would run just because of the sex thing. My ex of 10yrs was like it and it only got worse when we lived together/had children. He demanded it all the time saying it was his right and then he just ignored my no's. Not saying he will but that's what happened to me. No matter what had happened even when a family member passed away I was meant to be up for it.

Lifes too short for all the other stuff too.

CharlottesInterWeb · 14/04/2019 07:12

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. Please think about ending this relationship - for your own sake and self esteem - and your daughters'.

JenniferJareau · 14/04/2019 07:13

Parade of red flags, dump him asap!

zen1 · 14/04/2019 07:16

Please don’t give him any more chances. He doesn’t sound safe for you or your daughters to be around.

flumpybear · 14/04/2019 07:18

I would absolutely not put up with that shit! My vision of this person is a slimy self serving arsehole who uses manipulation to get his own way. The bit about this child would have me raging! How could he not do as was agreed and gonoff then for half hour, presumably without answering his phone

He'd be gone

cariadlet · 14/04/2019 07:20

The pressure he is putting on you to have sex when you don't want to is a huge red flag. As others have said, it would probably get worse if you moved in together.

The incident at the theme park must have been scary at the time, but coul just be a bit of thoughtlessness. Maybe your dc was getting bored waiting. On its own it wouldn't worry me too much.

MrsBertBibby · 14/04/2019 07:28

.

Is this normal or a red flag to leave ?
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2019 07:32

Red flags a plenty re this man you describe. This relationship is well and truly over anyway because of his behaviours towards you and in turn your children. They need to learn better lessons on relationships than what they are being shown.

Please consider enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid if you are the in the UK because your boundaries will have further been messed up by this particular individual.

Original poster
Toleaveortostay · 14/04/2019 08:15

Thank you for your replies , For me I can see it’s a red flag but when your in that situation and he’s making out it’s me that constantly shouting at him . He can’t see he’s doing anything wrong and has the attitude of well your my gf and where else can I get sex from . You have confirmed what I already thought so I will dump him

OP posts:
Gersin · 14/04/2019 08:25

The other red flag is that you are questioning yourself on this, this suggests to me that he has already had more of an influence on you than you might realise. I only say this from the perspective of someone who ignored similar red flags 10+ years ago, getting out now is much much harder than it would have been if I’d jumped ship in the early years.

Sorry you’re having this to deal with, the book ‘Why does he do this’ by Lundy Bancroft has a chapter on sex, if you can borrow a copy it’s worth a read for that section alone if you don’t want to read the whole thing. It tells some truths that I had sadly long forgotten.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2019 08:29

His attitude about sex is reason enough to dump him. Have you done the freedom programme? Might help you to recognise this stuff sooner

SofaSurfer20 · 14/04/2019 08:45

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

CupcakeDrama · 14/04/2019 11:04

the theme park thing isnt a red flag imo. do neither of you have phones?

but the sex thing yes do you really need to ask?

cariadlet · 14/04/2019 12:29

OP, it's great that the replies have confirmed your gut instincts. Well done for deciding to dump him. It's time to be strong and not let him talk you round.

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