Life after kids

[melh44]

Me and my partner have been together 5 years now. We have a great relationship. We have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. When my partner went back to work after my second she was frequently wakening for night-feeds which I was doing as he was working and that's fine by me, he would sleep on the sofa. My daughter has now been sleeping all night for over a month now so I mentioned sharing a bed again, he keeps coming up with excuses. We have only had sex twice since she was born and I think it's down to us sleeping in separate rooms. What do I do? Am I being a nag? Should I just leave him? How long do I let it go on for? It's not normal is it ? I'm 25 and he's 29. There's no reason not to share a bed. It's odd.

What are his excuses?

@tinkertinker1 that he's getting up early or that the rooms to hot? Just silly things

Was he the same with the first baby? I would sit him down and address it directly with him, to get to the bottom of it. Don't let him fob you off with weak excuses. You're not being a nag at all, you're not flat-mates, afterall. Say that you want to get back to being affectionate and intimate and you miss him being close - your needs are equally as important.

@melh44, sometimes after a period of sleeping separately, especially after children, couples can become accustomed to their 'own space' again. Furthermore, it can take some effort to get back to that place where intimacy feels natural and right again. Ideally we think we should just be able to jump straight back in but for some it isn't that straightforward.

Desire for men and women is similar, it just presents differently. Men want to feel just as desired as women do. Not just, 'kids are sleeping through, let's start having sex again.' I'm not saying that this is what you have suggested to your DP.
Do you spend time together after your DC have gone to sleep, just the 2 of you? Just talking, laughing and re-connecting? Do you kiss and cuddle otherwise without the expectation for either party that it will lead to sex? Have you sat down and spoken to your DP about how you're feeling in terms of wanting that intimacy back? He may be thinking that you're not ready and if you're ready, he may not be.

Sparks take some effort to ignite and maintain, some more and some less. If you love one another and still fancy one another then take your time and build up to it. Try and not think about what's 'normal' because all relationships are different.

Start by talking about sharing your sleeping space again but without the pressure or expectation of sex, just wanting to be close to one another and perhaps go from there. I hope your DP responds in a positive manner and you get back to where you were as a couple.
Good luck.

Some people also just like sleeping alone. My DH is one of those people! But we also know that going to sleep together helps us both have bonding time, and encourages us to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Normally we now start the night together, but if the baby wants night feeding or if I'm restless (I move a lot in my sleep), or if he's snoring, he goes to the spare room part way through the night. Would that work for you at all?

What is he doing before bed? Is he up on the computer or watching TV (/porn)?