Stuck in a relationship. How to get out?

[KindnessIsUnderrated]

During my marriage breakdown, I met another man online. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. We talked and talked and met up and instantly gelled. He was based in Scotland and I am in the North of England.

After a few months, he came up to stay in an air bnb for several weekends. Due to circumstance, my DD met him one day as my "old friend". She met him several times after that and really liked him. Said she wasnt ready for me to have a boyfriend but would say when she was, and she hoped it would be him.

He kept coming down and I saw him when DD was at her dad's. He has no ties to Scotland anymore as his kids are grown and he is retired. So he decided to move close to DD and I. Time progressed, DD was ready for me to date again, and she accepted this chap as my boyfriend.

He has moved to a property in the same village as us, a move which took up a major chunk of his money. He is now restricted to his pension and no way could afford to move again.

The problem is, my DD has now expressed that she feels him living down here is too much. She is being assessed for ASD and I want to keep life calm for her. I am constantly explaining to my chap how ASD presents itself, as her behaviour to him has been rude and unreasonable on occasion.

I am exhausted with trying to navigate my DD's issues, on top of my divorce, and a newish relationship. Just absolutely mentally drained.

I really do care for this chap, and he has given up his life to be with me. I feel I cannot end it as he has just taken on a 12 month tenancy.

But I also need to be calm and settled for my DD (she is 8, by the way).

What do I do? I feel I owe this chap a relationship after he made such a big upheaval.

You don’t owe anyone a relationship. You’ve made a mistake you just need to tell him that.

You don’t sound like you are ready for a relationship at all. Give yourself some space.

So he moved down here before you had properly started seeing each other? Seems far too much given you haven’t had any breathing space after the end of your marriage.

Also, your choice of words is interesting... ‘due to circumstance’ your DD met him, but if it was just circumstance, there would have been no need for her to meet him several times after that. It’s like you really wanted to push the relationship forwards, but you won’t accept responsibility for it, it was circumstances fault, not yours.

@HappyLife21

Ah, I see what you mean. I meant the first time was due to circumstance. After she had met him that time and they got on well, it seemed ok to have him come with me to take her to the nature reserve, or whatever, on the odd occasion she wasnt at her dad's.

In hindsight, it was too much too quickly, and I fucked up. I honestly thought that we were for the long haul so there was no harm in her seeing him very occasionally as my friend. Hindsight is great. I have been a pillock and I don't want to damage my DD or be mean to my chap. Damaging DD is most important though, obviously.

How has he given up his life if he has no ties to his old one?
Why can't you be calm and settled in a relationship?
Why has DD changed her mind? Has he been at your house more often?

If you enjoy being with him would it be worth backing off a bit or only seeing him when she's at dads? but you don't owe him anything due to his decision to move, you also don't need a watertight reason to end it with him. If it was a rebound he is adult enough to understand that

It sounds like he moved to be with you far too quickly. You will have to admit you made a mistake and he will have to accept it.

How long ago did your marriage end? What stage of the divorce?

He is a grown up,I assume he is much older than you if retired..he has to accept responsibility for his own decisions and actions.

I guess he is a rebound relationship which is why it always recommended to have time on your own to process a marriage ending. A relationship should support your life and add to it, not drain you. This is a sign it's not right.

Have you tried asking for a break whilst you focus on your dd and the divorce?

How has he given up his life if he has no ties to his old one?

He has always lived in Scotland and moved away from his daughters and grandkids, to move miles away to a place where he knows noone except me, DD, exH and now my extended family (yes he has met most of them). He has put all his money into moving and deposits. I feel really guilty.

Why can't you be calm and settled in a relationship? I can be. But am not at the moment as he stayed with us for a week when he first moved down whilst utilities were connected etc. He is now ensconced in his place, but when he does spend time with me and DD (maybe two evenings a week), she likes it but I am constantly having to explain ASD to him as he doesnt understand meltdowns and her not being able to understand some jokes that sound semi-serious.

Why has DD changed her mind? Has he been at your house more often? As above. He now stays at mine two nights a week and enjoys having him there. Actually, on reflection, it is more me that is the issue, not her. She says she is happy he is my boyfriend but doesn't want us to "get married for a few years". That wouldn't be happening anyway 😀 (She has been obsessed for years with being a bridesmaid hence her comments)

It is more that I am trying to do my best by her, navigate the divorce (waiting for Decree Nisi to be issued, have some legals to sort but we are doing a DIY divorce so loads of paperwork to sort). Also, I have physical health conditions which has meant that my DD has, on many occasions, had my mum collect her from school instead of me due to pain. She has also stayed at my mum's quite a bit when I have been seriously unwell. This caused DD to act out against my mum, as she felt it was my mum's fault that she wasn't with me.

It has all been absolutely exhausting. I am trying to make DD feel as secure as possible, and talk to her and ask her about what she feels comfortable with re my chap. And teach him.how to relate to DD in a way that doesn't act as a trigger for a meltdown.

*@lifebegins50

How long ago did your marriage end? What stage of the divorce?

He is a grown up,I assume he is much older than you if retired..he has to accept responsibility for his own decisions and actions*

Marriage ended a few years ago. ExH finally moved out last year. All amicable. Totally on same page re DD etc. New chap met exH when he moved as ex helped him with some moving stuff. Installing his TV etc. They get on well. No animosity there at all.

I know it was my chap's decision to move quickly, but I still feel guilty. He has been here about three months now and it has been a whirl of ASD assessments, divorce stuff, moving stuff. It feels too much. Maybe it will be less full on when we all settle down?

Well you gelled and he was everything you wanted. His choice to move to where you live. Just enjoy it and don't feel you have to make yourself care for him just because he moved. Take a step back and see where it goes.

If you don’t want to end it then take a step back so you can breath and be calm.

There’s nothing wrong in saying that you have so much on- divorce, DD’s assessments and your own ill health that you aren’t coping. He should accept that and give you space. If you do want to se him just keep it to when Dd is at her dads.

It’s a bit full on isn’t it? Why did he move down so quickly? That’s way too keen. It puts a lot of pressure on you as you now think you owe him a relationship. Do you actually want to be with him? You are allowed to say no. It’s your life. Maybe you need space away from relationships for a while

but I am constantly having to explain ASD to him as he doesnt understand meltdowns and her not being able to understand some jokes that sound semi-serious

I may be wrong, but i think what you mean here is that he is reacting badly to her ASD and maybe starting to tell you how to parent your DD or some such...he is starting to show a side that you hadn't seen before?

You take your time OP and see what happens. There are always some strange responses on here when a woman or man moves or makes a big step. You do nothing differently.

Enjoy

Did you meet him before or after your exH moved out?

How do you feel about him independently of your DD?

I'm sorry but there is no way an 8 year old should be dictating when she is ready for you to have a relationship .

"I really do care for this chap "

If your ExH only moved out last year, it sounds as if you met the new guy almost immediately. It does all sound like a bit of a whirlwind and I'm not surprised both you and DD are a bit unsure of what comes next.

You didn't force him to move down, that's his decision. However it has added pressure to what already seems like quite a complicated situation. And However appreciate that it will make things a little awkward if you keep bumping into each other if you end the relationship.

I also understand that you are trying to keep DD calm, but it also sound as if she's calling all the shots, and that's not helpful to anyone.

If you still enjoy his company, just take a step back for a while. Encourage him to make his own friends and social circle, rather than just relying on you.

I am constantly having to explain ASD to him this would be slightly more worrying for me. Can he not do his own research? Why does he need you to explain it to him?

I also wonder if you're giving your daughter a bit too much power here?

I know ASD is a complicating factor but part of parenting is helping them to adjust and cope with changes. Kids may want to be in control but it doesn't mean it's the right thing for them.

feels too much.

Just take a step back OP. Lots going on here, priorities are DD, your health, divorce then relationship. One thing at a time.