Need help coming with depressed DH

[Callistone]

DH has huge flare ups of health anxiety which lead to depression. A few years back he had it so bad he ended up seeing the crisis team. Now it's back again. It makes him very, very down, obsessed with thinking about his health issues (which are real, he just catastrophises them), very 'not present'. He is speaking to the doctor and doing what he can but this is clearly not something that's just going to be fixed overnight.

The issue is it leaves me doing everything. We have two DC, one still a toddler. DH works full time in shift work, I work 4 days a week. We don't have family overly close by, and his family are very much not understanding or supportive.

So I'm working, doing the bulk of the housework, childcare and mental load, plus constantly gauging his moods, talking about it a lot, worrying horrifically myself (last time he mentioned not seeing the point of being here anymore) all the while trying not to let him see too much how it's affecting me - we're in an acute stage, I'm worried that saying anything about how stressful it is for me too during these few weeks while the doctors try to sort out some meds will just make everything worse.

I'm just struggling myself as well. It's hard, and I'm tired both from doing everything and from worrying all the time. I can't ask him to do anything else, he's doing what he can, he's seeking help. But it's just... I don't really know what I'm asking for. Just some advice really. There's no room at the moment for me to switch off even for an hour or so, this whole 'look after yourself too' can't enormously happen at the moment.

Does anyone have any wise words?

Hi Calli. Didn't want to read and run, but don't have any great advice. My DH has (has had? It's improving very much but still also a huge factor in our lives) severe anxiety and panic disorder which is associated with health worries (almost all physical tension related).

I want to say "cut yourself off emotionally and get it done" but I don't think that's the right thing to do, just a coping mechanism. "Look after yourself" is the most hollow thing anyone can say because no amount of fucking swimming sessions or manicures will make up for the fact your DH isn't really "in the room" and is wrapped up in his own shit. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I can only suggest lowering your standards in pretty much every aspect of your life in order to survive as a family. Good luck. Post again if you need to.

Thank you Wine, it's nice to hear from someone else who has been there. I don't want to cut myself off emotionally but I can feel it happening a little. The DC still need me, to a degree they come first and DH has to come second.

Agreed. That's the way it has to be, like you say. You can't make him better. Sorry. Only he can do that. Focus on the DC so that this is just 'when DDad was having a bit of a hard time' rather than anything damaging (not sure how old they are).

Hi Calli, I just wanted to send support too even if I can’t offer any help. My DH is like yours but refuses to get any help. I have had to mentally and physically distance myself from him just to keep my own shit together for the kids. I’m not even sure that’s the best thing to do but I have to put the kids first when he’s too busy obsessing about his health (he constantly thinks he’s going to die from the latest ache/pain/virus).

It’s good the your DH is getting some help, hopefully this will start to make a difference at some point.

Thinking about it, I guess one way I’ve found to help is running. If I can leave the house for half an hour, just me, maybe with a podcast or music, it gives me physical and mental space to cope. It also forces DH to focus on the kids because I’m not there.

I've not long started running with a friend and I've been really enjoying it. I haven't gone for a few weeks as he's either been to sad to comfortably leave alone or I feel it's running it in his face that he can't exercise at the moment. But I do need to get it back for me.

It's really reassuring to hear from other people though, thank you

I know it’s hard but just because he can’t exercise it shouldn’t mean you can’t. It’s not fair and if the boot was on the other foot I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to miss out on his running if you couldn’t.
Now it’s lighter, could you go once the kids are in bed?

Just resurrecting this as I don't really have another place to talk. It's three weeks later nearly and very little noticeable improvement. He's trying, he really is, but we're in the wait now for the meds to kick in. I'm just exhausted. I work, I do everything around the house, with the kids. Tonight when I got home he hadn't got around go going to the shop so poor DS is getting a lunchbox made of things scraped from the freezer and the back of the fridge.

I've lowered my standards at home but there are still so many basic things to be done. Plus keeping a happy face on for the kids and doing things with them. And then at the end of the day I end up talking to DH and trying to reassure him and console him and cheer him up a little.

Still not sure what I'm asking here but just need somewhere to get it out

I thknl you need to really understand what you want. Firstly while your husband may get better there is no cure for depression. If you want to make things work I suggest you read as much as you can about depression it will help. There are alternatives to traditional counselling too look up Andys Man Club. If you want to make it work good luck and if it helps it really is not your fault or down to anything you do or don't do.

Really feel for you OP. No easy answers and no hard ones either. A counsellor once said to me 'mental health problems make people very selfish' and it's true. Please keep on running and listening to music - it's vital that you have some way to keep yourself from going under, even if it's hard to leave him. Only other suggestion is to find an online (or IRL) forum for partners/carers/family of those with MH problems - a place to share what you are going through with people who really get it, and who might even have some useful advice.
Hope the meds kick in soon.

I wouldn't personally read up about mh right now. Instead take the kids out and go to see people who don't have mh problems. I used to find seeing my friends so healing, just spending time with people who weren't anxious or depressed. And I'm never going to apologise for that.

Can you take a random day's annual leave and don't tell anyone? take the kids to school, go for a run or swim and then fall into a Travelodge bed/friend's sofa with a book for a few hours?

I always had the best support from Rethink but no idea what it's like now. Their support worker totally for what it was like being married to someone with mh issues.

I really feel for you as i went through something very similar a few years ago and it's extremely difficult.

It will get better and you will get through it. The medication takes a while but it will help.

What helped for us was having friends come round to spend time with DH to give me a bit of a break from talking about it with him. Also DH took up running and exercise definitely helps his mental health and it helped to turn his focus away from medical issues towards doing something to improve his health.

he also found the headspace meditation app very helpful, you might too.

Can you afford a cleaner?

mental health problems make people very selfish - god, don't they! It's so hard. He's full of thanks to me for supporting him but they don't quite make it through to doing anything helpful around the house.

I might try to take a random day off but at the moment most of my annual leave is going towards trying to cover childcare that he would have done. The cleaner is a good idea, I may suggest that again.

Thank you for replying though, and I will look up all the tips. It helps to know other people have been here too. I know that the antidepressants will kick in soon and things will gradually improve but it's such a hard slog at the moment. Not helped by a colleague going through something similar at work who keeps asking to talk about it too!

Do call rethink x

Hi Cali is he still working and coping with work.
It’s tough I know and you need support if you can find it.
There is MIND or your local Samaritans.
I hope the meds kick in soon for him.
🌺

He's off work at the moment but will probably go back next week. We do actually have a Samaritans office in our town. If I get too annoyed I might wander down for a cuppa and a rant...