leaving dp because i dont fancy him?

[ineedtime1234]

i am engaged to dp of 8 years. mortgage together. i have a dd who is 9 from a previous relationship. dp has brought her up as his own. they share a close bond.

ive been very happy. dp is great. you couldnt find a better partner if you tried! for years his touch has irritated me, when he breathes on me, i hate kissing him i dont like the way he kisses and sex i try to do doggy style so hes not kissing me or face to face. its awful. ive always thought i had some sort of issue with affection.
but recently i developed a crush on another man and my eyes have been wandering and im worried i end up having an affair in the future. i have a sex drive and i miss passion...but i dont enjoy those things with dp.
i told him last night i dont have romantic feelings for him. ive booked a councelling appt. he said he would rather leave than stay with someone who doesnt love him.

im worried sick for dd. she would be devestated. our house. finances. my parents. its a fucking mess.
what we have is so good but the physical side isnt there. is this the end?

It would be for me. It’s a real shame if everything else is great, but the other things...they’re important too, to me anyway.

You need to leave. I think you know that already.

Spare him the heartache in the long run and leave.

Yabu

You seem to have an issue that someone you love disgusts you.

Thats your problem and I suggest you speak to someone about that.

At what point did it change, as surely it wasn't like that at the start or you wouldn't have got together?

its been like that for years really but i guess its came to a head now. suddenly im wanting passion and intimacy yet still feel the same with dp.

have you spoken to him about the sex? Told him what you would like?

Your dp had my sympathy.
Staying with him when you feel like that is revolting.

There must be a reason he disgusts you?
My exH did. Couldn't stand anything about him in the end but he was a man who pestered for sex, sulked when he didn't get it and groped me in my sleep (he admitted that with great hilarity ), his eating habits made me want to vomit, heavy breathing, nose picking, and generally abusive. Yet I was unreasonable not to fancy him apparently.
Is your partner really such a great guy otherwise? Or are there issues lurking beneath the surface?

Was he just a safe bet? Is that why you've stayed so long?

Time to end it. He deserves a woman who loves him and finds him attractive. I wouldn't want counseling for my DP to decide if their feelings could change towards me.

I'd have ended it there and then if I was him.

hes very loyal, honest and generous. we dont argue. he does do things that annoy me that arent very attractive but i guess i have my own flaws as everyone does too.

im not sure why i feel like this. i just dont like him touching me. yet i have fantasies of snogging mens faces off and intimacy so its still there.

You’re being honest and it is what it is. You can’t force sexual attraction. He’s a great bloke but you don’t fancy him. At least you’re being honest with him. You both deserve more than half a life. Stay strong. You get one life.

Sexual attraction is either there or it isn't.

Let him find someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved - and same for yourself.

You can't stay with someone out of comfort - you're not doing him or yourself any favours.

You know it is over and you need to break up. So sorry but you can either wait until you fall in love with another man which you will or have a clean break now.

How has your financial and general domestic situation changed? Sounds like he might have been a safe pair of hands that you no longer have a use for.

This will be painful for all concerned I am afraid.

The practical side can be sorted out. It is a mess, but you can't help the way you feel.

Is it possible to row back a bit and make your lack of desire for him more general, not so personal? Just a lack of libido. I know you think that's not true, but you could be wrong. How much have you told him?

You're seeing a counsellor. Wait and see what they say. It might not be directly related to your dp, but a stage in life or the relationship, a general dissatisfaction which you think a new relationship would change. Your crush on someone else is just a fantasy, really, and you might well end up in the same situation with someone else after the novelty has died off.

Otherwise, you may not have much choice in what comes next, having dropped this bombshell. I'm sure there are many people who've felt the same as you when their head has been turned but it is possible, with professional advice, to work your way through it.

I think being physically repulsed by your partner to the point OP describes isn't something you come back from.

Please spare the poor man this heartache and let him look for someone that'll love him unconditionally.

Just as an above PP asked; was he a safe bet hence you dragging it out this long. I think you've wasted his time enough now.

It must have been gutwrenching for him to hear

You can't stay if you don't even like kissing him though

Just end it with him OP, your going to make yourself ill if you continue with him. I'd just tell him straight, you don't want him sexually because you are not attracted to him.

He hasn't done anything in particular to cause this? Then your subconscious has decided its time to move on. You've fallen out of love, and its nobody's fault. The part about his touch making you cringe, and now starting to find other people attractive, are typical signs. This happens quite a lot, particularly to women.