DH says he doesn't fancy or love me any more since we had children

[Pammi]

My DH and I have been together for 4 years and have a nearly 3 yr old boy and a girl due in 7 weeks' time (both planned). He's now saying he's not in love with me any more and doesn't find me attractive. He says he wishes we hadn't had children as he's since decided he doesn't enjoy fatherhood and can't promise he won't leave us in future. I can't look forward to the birth of our baby for this reason and am very worried about being left with two children and no income (gave up job to have children). Should I try to fight for our marriage or just leave before I am left? I have no family near me so feel very alone and insecure.

Hattie - did your dp get counselling/treatment for his depression? My dh's dad is a depressive having been on ADs for years and only just come off them, so maybe it's hereditary in some way? I do feel it's his problem and not my fault, but I am the one having to deal with the fallout and coupled with pregnancy, I'm feeling quite depressed now myself! Did you get counselling to help you through it?

Custardo i do love your posts, you really make me laugh,you really cut to the chase!

Pammi only you can make the final decison on if you ask him to stay or go. But if you are asking for an opinion i would have a serious chat and tell him to grow up and accept his responsibilities or he may as well ship out!

No one needs that kind of comment!, he should love you regardless. What kind of a man would say that they no longer love you or fancy you now you have had children! was he not there? was he not willing? idiot!

Dont let him get you down.

i totally agree with custardo here.

i dont think even severe depression could excuse saying things like that.

i went through pregnancy and childbirth on my own with one of my dc,it wasn't easy but it was alot better than staying with a dickhead who had no respect for me.

you will be fine,honestly.do you have friends who can help you out?

Pammi

Sorry this is happening at this time. If I were you, I would not do anything for a few months or so. Wait and just enjoy your daughter. In the meantime ask him to go to relate. Having children is a big adjustment to make. If your DH is not prepared to make the adjustment (has he had children young?) then maybe you do need to part. But maybe it's too early to call time now?

Quattrocentro - he is 28 which is 8 years younger than me but his ex was older than me and had two kids to someone else. He was prepared to take them on but she left him. He seemed a lot more mature when I first met him but appears to have regressed.

OMG he hasnt started with the comparing thing has he?

or is that just an explaination/example of your feelings?

No he doesn't compare me to her, just know this from when we first got together.

Pammi, if you have an email, i will be happy to share my personal experience with you.

No matter what people say about your dh, it sounds like he is depressed and needs help. You need to decide if he is worth the help? There is no right or wrong answer and sometimes some time apart from him will help to make that decision.

I've been with my dp for ten years, and for the middle 5 or 6 he had ups and downs of depression. Its very hard for both parties especially when outsiders state the obvious 'he's a wanker kick him out'. But if you can't bring yourself to do that because you still love him, then you can find it within yourself to insist that he deals with his own mental health. I also work with people with mental health problems and see this scenario so very often. You are not alone.

At the end of the day he made the choice to be with you, and have a family. He really needs to accept the responsibility that that brings. You cant choose not to be a father as you decide its not quite as pinics in the park as you thought it would be!

Part of that understanding and acceptance of having a family together is the understanding that you have stages in your pregnancy when you dont feel like kate moss or your stressed, or your feet have swollen to the size of a pod on the London eye and that you could do without his childish comments.

If he really wanted to go he would have his plans laid out and be gone. He is probably realising that its not all about him anymore and just needs a wake up call.

If you decide its not right and he doesnt make you happy!

There is always mumsnet and msn that often offer a more productive conversation anyway!

Any man who does this to a pregnant woman is a shit.

I agree with custy, fight fire with fire.

But big (((hugs)) for you, look after yourself.

i'd possibly understand it if this was your first child but you weren't together very long by the sounds of it when you had your first child and you say that was planned.so your ds is nearly 3 and he's only just saying this now?? do you think there is someone else involved?? it sounds like an excuse to me.it just doesn't ring true this far down the line.

That is an awful thing to say (esp. considering the imminent arrival of dd) You haven't said how you feel about him though.
Do you love/fancy him ?

The I dont know if I will hang arund bit is bullying byw, depressed or not, make no bones about that- and bullying is emotuional abuse. If its a one off then whatever you deciede but fgs don't ;et it go down that route!

Inherited tendencies can be a contributory factor to depression, yes. My Dh had medication and a long time off work to get over the worst, he was stuck on an NHS counselling list for years and we moved before he reached the top. However it was dealing with certain people in his life- namely his Mother- that seems to have made the biggest difference. he does still have a tendency to go that way, although far from the complete nervous breakdown he ahd forst time, its gentler now and usually related to a lack of sleep / problems at work or home. we've both a lot to deal with at home (SN kids) which cant have helped either.

It may be that this phase is transient, but he really should see a GP. that's never so easy to actually arrange though as men are often far worse at getting help than women.

Do remember that your first concern has to beyourself and the kids- protect yourselves. If he is really hurting you get away for a few days, stay with aprents or something. But do make sure you look after No 1

Thanks for all your messages, very kind and helpful. I'm not sure how I feel about DH at the moment. Obviously I feel disappointed, but I can't help thinking he's just not being himself and that once he sorts himself out he will get back to normal. I still love and fancy the version of him I married, but if this new version is here to stay then I wouldn't want to put up with him long term. I would worry for my son though, as I think it would affect him very badly not seeing his dad very often and wouldn't be the one to inflict that situation on him unless things became so unbearable I simply couldn't stand living with him any more. Also the fact that I don't have any income to support myself and children is a very scary prospect.