How do you support someone through a divorce?

[Biancadelrioisback]

My best friend in the whole world has just found out that her husband of 8 years (together for 11) has been having an affair for 6 months. Apparently it only became physical recently. He has told her that he wants to be with the OW and she has now left the martial home (she can't stand to be around their 'life together' if you know what I mean). He has blamed her, blamed his depression, said he didn't end the marriage to keep "an easy life" etc. He's become so cruel and heartless towards my friend. She's absolutely broken. And furious. I don't know what to do! How on earth can I help? What can I do? I want to help but have no idea how, and I'm so useless face to face because I don't know what to say.
I'm slightly autistic so I don't really know what I should be doing to help. I've sent her little presents, I've encouraged her to talk and vent, I've listened, I've agreed with her, I've ask to meet up with her, offered her to stay with me etc but she is very closed off and clearly hurting.
Ladies who've been through this, what did you want from your friends? How did you want to be supported? Ladies who've supported friends through this, what did you do?

Your poor friend. There's a fantastic support site for this. Direct her to it, or look yourself to get ideas.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

There are thousands of members who have been where she is. Many are years on from it, but they stay to support others.

His blaming is typical cheater script. Blaming her to avoid responsibility for his poor behaviour.

Do they have kids?

Is she financially independent?

She'll also ho through a rollercoaster of emotions. Sad, angry, denial.

Just let her know you're there if she wants to talk or if she just wants someone around her.

I could be in your friends situation. After two months of him messing me and our kids around he finally told me it was over for good. I am in the marital home. If he has the affair, he should be the one leaving the property. The best friends have been checking in on me every day, helping with the practical stuff (dropping off a meal) and watching the kids for an hour or two. Also, just listening. Just being there.
Tell her to read “Leave a cheater, gain a life” by chumplady. It’s made me see through all the shit my “DH” has done to me. It’s a shitty place to be but don’t let her believe a word he says about it being her fault.

You sound nice OP. Just meet up with her once a week or so and message her the odd time in between. Then you will be in contact enough that she will let you know if she needs anything more.

(I'm divorced).

Thank you! All that looks great! I'll definitely show her. It's so hard to see someone you love be hurt so badly.
He did offer to leave their house but she said she couldn't stay there with all 'their' stuff. They don't have any children fortunately but they were trying! All the while he was having an affair. Arsehole.

You sound so lovely and like you are doing a great job of supporting her already. I was in your friends shoes not so long ago. My oldest friend was fantastic- she let me get it all off my chest and was clearly on my side. If she needs a bit of space then just let her know you are there whenever she wants to talk and maybe check in by text.

Thank you.
The thing is, I'm useless when face to face. I freeze up and can't find any words. She's breaking her heart to me and all I can do is stand there and look uncomfortable. I have really tried to say things but honestly this situation has thrown me! He's not the type to do this you see so there's a lot to get your head around. I keep telling her whatever she wants is fine and I'll help however I can.

I've been in the same situation as your friend. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I found having someone listen and acknowledge the hurt I was feeling the most useful thing - I knew they couldn't fix the pain or make it go away.

I found this website very helpful once I'd realised I couldn't stay with my husband. It's quite direct, but I found it a welcome contrast to all the websites telling me I should forgive him and work on our marriage... www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

You might find this website helpful if you're struggling to find the right words to say to your friend: medium.com/@lauraclick/31-empathetic-statements-for-when-you-dont-know-what-to-say-edd50822c96a

I'm divorced.

I agree with what PPs like Thatnovembernight and GeorgeTheFirst said.

Just to add, I read an article in The Guardian recently (link here) about an amicable divorce and I think this bit might help you in helping your friend:

"I have spoken to others who have been through separation or divorce, many of whom said those closest to them wanted to show support by pointing fingers. That kind of behaviour makes the vital task of building a good relationship with your former partner much more difficult. Make it clear that you aren’t looking to play the blame game and that it’s far better for everyone if other voices are supportive but balanced. If they are unable to do that, gently ask them to take a step back until you are in a more stable place."

So I reckon if you can listen to hear and let her vent her feelings (anger, injustice, shock etc) without adding fuel to the fire, I think you'll be doing the best for her in the long term.

Sounds like you're struggling to get your head round it too so in order to support her better, maybe you could speak to someone about your own feelings.

My exH and I have been divorced 5 years (he left me) and we are very amicable now. It was a huge shock at the time - we have 3 young DCs - but like this article says, the best way to get over this is to have good support from people who don't encourage you to blame.

That should say '...listen to her' not hear.

Please don't answer if you don't want to, but will someone who is divorced share their age? My friend is panicking about being a divorcee before she's 30. None of our friends are divorced and it seems like something that happens to 'real grown ups' if you know what I mean. We have both said we still feel like we're hardly adults. It's like her STBXH is having a midlife crisis or something at 30 which again is not something anyone we know has experience with.

Thank you all for the website links. I know one of them talks about being amicable but honestly, this is just messy and nasty, no way will it be amicable. They're both out for blood now

They're both hurting, that's why. Honestly - trust me - the very best way your friend can come through this, long term, in the best way is to try to make her peace with the changes to her life. When relationships break down it's often for very complex and far reaching reasons which aren't immediately obvious to even the people within the relationship, let alone anyone outside it.

There is life after divorce. Your friend will be fine. But for now, for the next maybe couple of years even, she will need a lot of love and support and peace around her.

I'm in my 40s.

Sending you both lots of love since you sound like you're affected by this too.

I’m getting divorced I’m 28, she isn’t alone. We were together 11 years and married a year and one day he just decided he didn’t love me anymore and that was it .. it’s been nearly a year. He met someone else within 3 weeks of leaving and is now living with her so I have my suspicions .. much like your friend we were planning a family.

It’s so hard but she will get through this.

I think it’s lovely you’ve come on here to get advice, my friends and family have helped me so so much. It sounds like you’ve done lots of lovely things and you sound like a wonderful friend. I’ve thought about what I would’ve wanted or did receive and put them below, hope they may help but honestly sounds like you’re being a wonderful friend!

Don’t talk about her ex unless she does, some friends would / still do bring him up. If I want to talk to about him I will. Just be an ear when needed, an occasion text or call to check in and having little things planned with my friends always helped me have focus.

I promise to your friend it does get better, it’s so hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel.. I NEVER thought I’d say that xx

Thank you very much for sharing. She asked me to join a gym with her so she can get her banging body back and look fierce the next time she sees him. I guess I'm gonna have to haul my fat ass on a treadmill!

She’s going to go throw a whole range of emotions including anger and sorrow. She will at times feel alone and may say things that she doesn’t mean through hurt etc. Best thing is to be there, listen, do things together and just let her know she’s not alone

Please don't answer if you don't want to, but will someone who is divorced share their age? My friend is panicking about being a divorcee before she's 30. None of our friends are divorced and it seems like something that happens to 'real grown ups' if you know what I mean. We have both said we still feel like we're hardly adults.

I'm divorced (as of last week!) and I'm early 30s. A friend of mine got married for the second time before she turned 30 and another friend has just got married for the second time at the age of 33. Completely understand what you mean about divorce feeling like something that happens to real grown ups! I still don't feel like an adult even though I've been married, had a child, and now divorced...

I got divorced at 33. Now with a lovely long term partner with a little one in the way. It may not seem like it now but divorce gives you a chance to be happy. Never ever getting married again though 😂