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Original poster

Handhold needed - and have you ever been in this situation?

23 replies

JimJamTimTam · 13/04/2019 13:05

I’ve had feelings for my best friend for some time. He’s made it clear he doesn’t feel the same yet has been amazing support/there for me/messages me multiple times a day so it’s been really hard to move on. I’ve become more and more aware recently how much it’s been holding me back as he is always in my line of sight, he’s always there if that makes sense. Pulling back in the past hasn’t helped as he pursues me, contacts a lot etc.

Last night we were out drinking and he was distracted and messaging a girl he’d matched with on tinder but hadn’t yet met. Then he turned and said ‘no girl will ever replace you’.

Something snapped in me; I left right away and sent him a message saying I couldn’t be friends anymore. It’s too hard. It makes me feel too bad and I need to move on. He said he hopes we can support each other, I replied he needs to find that support from his random tinder matches not me now.

I now feel awful. I know I probably overreacted but I have been feeling this for sometime. But it really hurts.

Has anyone been here before? Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Jeezusmotherofgod · 13/04/2019 13:14

You did exactly the right thing.

RLEOM · 13/04/2019 13:24

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think he truly values you as a good friend. Sadly and understandably, you've fallen for him and see his behaviour as more than friendship.

For your own sake, you need to distance yourself and move on. It doesn't mean you can't be friends, but you do have to take a step back and invest your time and emotions elsewhere.

Original poster
JimJamTimTam · 13/04/2019 13:37

Thank you x

I just think - he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

But it hurts

OP posts:
ALannisterInDebt · 13/04/2019 13:46

You have done the right thing and exactly what you need right now.

If he really cares about you he'll leave you alone and respect space is what you need...however if he enjoys stringing you along a bit and is flattered by your attention then he will find it hard to say goodbye as he'll want the ego boost. Time will tell.

OP, we teach people how to treat us, you deserve better than this.

justilou1 · 13/04/2019 13:57

Absolutely the best thing you could have done. Why would you continue dangling yourself like a used teabag in front of him when he behaves like that? You are hanging around waiting to be his Plan B, or his landing pad in case things don’t work out with everyone else? Forget it!!! How very insulting!

CampfiresAndBeer · 13/04/2019 14:03

I just think - he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

I don't think it's fair to say this.

Unless there is a backstory, he isn't having any cake whilst eating another. He's got a best friend who has dumped him because she developed feelings for him. Which is perfectly reasonable and, I think, you did the right thing.

My best friend is male. There is nothing 'going on' and never has been - he's been with his wife for over 20 years but no one would ever replace him for me either. He has said many times that he thought he'd lose me if I got a boyfriend because a lot of men wouldn't tolerate their girlfriend having a male best friend but I wouldn't dump him either.

So, whilst I think what you have done is the right thing, I don't think it's fair that people paint him as a selfish ego. I also think your comment about him finding support from 'random tinder matches' was unkind and uncalled for. It's not his fault you developed feelings for him. If you know he hadn't, then he wasn't stringing you along.

CampfiresAndBeer · 13/04/2019 14:06

Why would you continue dangling yourself like a used teabag in front of him when he behaves like that?

Someone is going to have to explain to me what is wrong with his behaviour Confused

Man and Woman are best friends
Woman falls for Man, who makes it clear that the feelings aren't reciprocated and hopes, perhaps naively, that it won't impact on the friendship.
Man is actively seeking a girlfriend and doesn't hide it from his friend, nor does he pretend he has any romantic interest in Woman.
Woman ends friendship.

I really can't see what he's done wrong.

Servalan · 13/04/2019 14:14

Has he realised up until now how you feel about him? Personally I think if he knows then he’s been less than fair with the multiple calls per day and comments like ‘no girl will ever replace you’.

I’m sure he isn’t being consciously cruel and that he values your friendship, but a good friend doesn’t present themselves as a tantalising prize just out of reach like that.

Backing off sounds like a good idea at the moment. I’m sorry, this must be really tough for you Flowers

CampfiresAndBeer · 13/04/2019 14:19

He's probably just ignored that she has said she has feelings and continued the friendship as it's always been - after all, it's she who has changed the parameters of the friendship, not him.

He hasn't actually done anything wrong.

EleanorOalike · 13/04/2019 14:29

Yeah I’ve been there, it sucks. He was constantly giving me mixed signals and teasing me about my liking him and using me as a substitute girlfriend with none of the benefits. We went on lots of one to one “friend” dates all instigated by him and he was ridiculously touchy feely and snuggly all the time. It was like a very long drawn out tease and it was torturous.

Everyone thought we were a couple so none of the other guys around us realised I was available and I was too emotionally invested to even look at anyone else.

Late one night I was wrapped in his arms whilst he was messaging a girl he’d never met. That was the end straw. I thought fuck this shit and walked away from it all. And he never asked why or tried to talk to me about it. After how close we had been it was a kick in the teeth. Ending the friendship was absolutely the right thing for me to do.

ConfCall · 13/04/2019 15:20

It sounds as if he’s given you mixed signals (the “replace” comment was teasing imo). I think that distance is needed. No meetings, no messages.

Original poster
JimJamTimTam · 13/04/2019 23:14

He hasn’t done anything wrong. That’s what makes it so hard. I wish I just could make my feelings go away but I couldn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
JimJamTimTam · 13/04/2019 23:15

Just as I’m sure he’d feel differently if he could. We’ve both lost out in this situation which makes it so tough

OP posts:
stucknoue · 13/04/2019 23:39

Happened in reverse, I had a lovely friend who would have been a far better h than the current occupant of the spare room but I didn't fancy him ... just no spark, despite on paper we should have been perfect. Eventually he married but he confided he still thinks of me despite being happy.

HeddaGarbled · 13/04/2019 23:52

Yeah, I agree, if he knows you want to be more than just friends, the tinder messaging in front of you was cruel, and the “replace” comment was designed to keep you dangling.

You have done exactly the right thing.

Original poster
JimJamTimTam · 14/04/2019 07:02

Thank you all. It doesn't feel good though

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 14/04/2019 07:14

Off course it doesn’t feel good. Your hurt. It will take time for you to recover from the loss. Be kind to yourself.

flumpybear · 14/04/2019 07:36

He probably sees you like a sister

My brother has never settled down with a wife, been engaged a few times and lived with people but it's never really worked out

He says I've never really met anyone who is as nice a person as my sister (whixh is odd because we do fight lol!)

Which is lovely but I feel a bit like he's setting himself up to fail a bit (cos there's no one as nice as me 🤪) no... because I think you just need to take people as themselves and not expect them to be like others

Figure8 · 14/04/2019 09:36

Some men ( yes and women) DO like the ego boost it gives them from having an adoring person at their beck and call.

It's tough, but it actually doesn't matter if he did anything " wrong" . It wasn't right for YOU, and if you need to step back, then that's what you should do.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 14/04/2019 09:54

You really did the right thing.

How tactless of him.
Consciously or subconsciously he was rubbing your nose in it.
Don't put yourself through that.
You are worth more.
Be proud of yourself.

Middersweekly · 14/04/2019 11:04

You did the right thing @OP. Lookup the definition of “orbiting” (not the outter space kind lol). Sadly I know quite a few people who do this and those that have been affected by being the orbiter. You need to make yourself emotionally unavailable now and concentrate on yourself!

Bluetrews25 · 14/04/2019 15:19

The expression 'dog in the manger' springs to mind.
He does not want you, but bombards you with such attention and messages etc that no-one else can get close and you cannot grow away from him at all.

Original poster
JimJamTimTam · 15/04/2019 09:57

you cannot grow away from him at all

This!! This really resonates

OP posts:
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