Considering asking for a trail separation

[Dandelion25]

NC for this one

Hey everyone, I feel bloody awful but I think I want to ask DH for a trial separation. We have been together for 10 years, married for 4 of those. I am currently 28.

I feel bad because I do love him, he’s amazing and I’m so proud of how he has grown over the past 10 years. He has a great job and has had multiple promotions and he is generally brilliant with our son (18 months) even if he does have a tendency to avoid nappy changing and baths etc. I know he would do anything to make us happy, and if I ever want anything or want to do something he tells me to go ahead and is happy to help if needed. He even takes our boy for a walk every weekend so I can have an hour to myself (I am a SAHM). So in a lot of ways on paper he is perfect.

But, I feel like we have grown apart over the past couple of years. We both used to be avid gamers but I haven’t been so interested recently, I much rather read. Many of the things I like to do he will say are boring in yest, and he jokes about how I have no sense of humour anymore and I have “too many rules” (specifically, when I told him I don’t want my feet tickled and e kept doing it so I ended up being pretty stern!)

He works really hard but he does very little around the house, and if I ask him to do something he huffs (literally like clean his own desk). There are also half done jobs and tools strewn all over the house which drives me mad.

Due to some of my own health conditions we are very very rarely intimate, but I have also found I’m not really attracted to him that way anymore. He has always had questionable hygiene but we’ve had many conversations over the years and he gets better for a bit and then drops again. We had a big conversation about it a couple of months ago and I told him for the hundredth time he needs to brush his teeth more as I found it really off putting. He hardly does them, his breath stinks a lot and he’s got obvious gum disease but still does nothing and I’m starting to find it repulsive which doesn’t help.

I just feel like I’ve lost myself and I don’t know who I am anymore. And I really want some space to figure it out, but I also accept it would be hard as I don’t work.

I love him and he is funny and kind but I think he spends too much time wishing I am who I was 5-10 years ago and doesn’t accept me for who I am now. And in a lot of ways I think he would be able to find someone he would be happier with (if he sorts out his bloody teeth!)

I don’t really know what I want from this, just to get it off my chest really. It’s killing me.

Book him a dental checkup and a visit to the hygienist.

Haha he’s been a few times over the years to the hygienist and it has been a constant battle trying to get him to clean them. He often says he doesn’t have time and I just said it’s easy to make time, it takes two minutes! And if I mention his gums he says he just naturally has bad gums.... and I again and again say they would be miles better if he did his teeth! The last time we had that conversation I said to him that it feels like he doesn’t respect me enough to make that tiny bit of effort... still nothing. Sadly it doesn’t stop at teeth - I have to remind him to shower and get clean clothes out for him or he would never think to do either (yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds)

What do you get out of this? He's lazy, he criticises your hobbies, he has poor hygiene and he takes you for granted. He gives you an hour off on the weekend, whoopee. That's the very bare minimum, you'd have a lot more free time if he cleared up his own stuff and helped with the rest. Why don't you think you deserve someone better? You are still young and it sounds like you'd have a lot less work on your own.

He is lovely in the sense that for the most part he is funny and kind and he does make sure we want for nothing... I agree that he is lazy at home and can take me for granted, but I’ve always kind of accepted that he works hard in the week. He didn’t used to be as bad as he is now though, it’s like he really can’t be arsed anymore. Sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to clean up after him

But when we first got together we were both intense gamers and played everything together - that was who we were and I did love that. But now being a mum I have more on my plate and to be honest... can’t be bothered with games. I think that’s a big sticking point because he’s still obsessed and it’s all he will talk about but it’s really not my cup of tea at the moment - I’m just tired!