Does this seem wrong?

[HonestDad123]

Hopefully not too long a ramble.

My wife has a tendency to get too friendly with certain colleagues at work, messaging outside of work about things totally unrelated. With one person in the past this has caused quite a problem, to the point I almost left. She has promised that it has stopped, but who really knows?

Lately, she has been slipping in the name of another colleague (male) into conversations and over the last month, more so. I noticed a message from him on her phone, as it was on the table and I was there when the message was delivered. I didn't see the content so much, but noticed him ending the message with x's.

Now I have to message colleagues at work all the time and I certainly don't end my messages to female colleagues with x's, totally inappropriate if you ask me. Some I get on with better than others, but they are just colleagues, nothing more.

Given the past history of inappropriate messaging, what I've seen yet again seems a bit off to me.

Anyone else think this seems a bit off?

I’m with you on this. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful.

It depends on the individuals and, to a certain extent, company culture.

I have female colleagues who put kisses on the end of texts to me. I’m sre it’s not because they are lesbian.

I would say considering the background and the promises of not doing it again it's at least inconsiderate of your feelings. I have no reason to text coworkers out of hours but if I did I certainly would not be ending the messages with xs.

Thanks for the replies.

I think you are right about the background. To be honest, with the last episode she did very little to discourage it, even started responding again after she said she would stop. She allegedly only did stop when I threatened to leave.

I just feel this could be history repeating itself with someone different.

Xs on a text mean nothing. Bit immature??

@Russell19, if they mean nothing and they hurt your partner best leave them out eh?

I have a tendency to put xx on the end of my texts no matter who I’m texting. But I wouldn’t do it in this circumstance because of what has happened in the past.

Considering the background it is inappropriate. IME Women often put xxs on texts but men don't usually. I would have thought your wife would have made a point about not contacting colleagues outside working hours precisely because of her past record.

If this had been a woman writing on here responders would have been up in arms talking of her DH having 'mentionitis' and suggesting DH was having an emotional affair. So, perhaps your wife is.

It does sound that you have lost trust. You need to sit down together and talk and work out what both of you want and, if you both want to stay together, determine what can be done to help you re-gain your trust.

I think it totally off

It’s noy something I would do and not something I’d expect my partner to do

Well yes and no. I’m not against her having good friendships with colleagues male or female, gay or straight. If there was evidence that it went further than friendship then I would say she was crossing boundaries. If not, I would worry about your need to control and interfere with her friendships. So maybe you both need counselling separately to figure this out.

As to Xs. I don’t think you should use them with colleagues but convention seems to be that some people do use x or XX as a sign off to everyone. Again I wouldn’t to a colleague under any circumstances as professionalism doesn’t lift because you become friends. IMO and I think most people’s xxxs + is a romantic sign off.

I xx at the end of texts to female colleagues (we are all good friends) but never to males. I am single, but I don't want them to wonder what I mean, or for their partners to wonder what I mean - it's inappropriate.

I'm certainly not controlling in any way at all, and certainly wouldn't control who she would have as friends, never will do.

The last occasion was totally inappropriate and I wasn't the only one who thought this.

Do I have trust issues with her? Yes, I will fully admit that. After the lies told last time and the broken promises, trust takes time to rebuild. She is fully aware of this too, as I've told her.

You don't trust her. Maybe you should cut your losses.

Exactly, why be with someone you do not trust. You can't control your partners actions. If she wants to be friends with her colleagues - you cannot stop her. It only causes resentment. If for you these things that she does are inappropriate and to her not (obviously not as she stopped only because you told her so, not because she also understood that these are inappropriate), then you have basically two options - accept it and let her be; or do not accept it and leave the relationship.
Of course, she could stop this behaviour and you could be all happy. BUT it seems that she does not want to stop this behaviour. Whether it is important to her, or perhaps she just does not respect you so much to stop it, it could be whatever reason. But if you have talked about, you have made your opinion clear to her and she still does not stop, then you have to decide whether you can live with it. If you can, then you must let her be and stop controlling. If you cannot, then leave.

If you can't trust her, then you really have to think about whether this relationship is right for you. It's no kind of life policing your partner's behaviour and living with that doubt and stress.

She sounds like an attention seeking Knob OP. Sorry

We don't know what your idea of "too friendly" or "causing a problem" is, can you provide more detail? It may be that your wife is having a flirtation or it may simply be that you are controlling and hope to control her more by showing her this thread.

I wouldn't normally use XXX with male colleagues, but different industries have different norms and in some workplaces there is pressure to be friends rather than colleagues.

Sorry but to say you are not controlling in the slightest is disingenuous. You defined the limits of her friendship, told her to end it and then threatened to leave if she didn't. As Ark asks, what do you mean by "too friendly and causing a problem" ? You haven't said affair emotional or physical. She obviously didn't see the issue or admit an affair or agree with your interpretation.

It sounds like your boundary, your rules and your threats.

Leave OP, your wife clearly prefers to share her affections elsewhere.

It depends. Is it about work or just banter?
If she is ignoring you and the family whilst giving time to work colleagues over text, that's not healthy.