Am I a doormat?

[Doormat71]

Hi,
My DH and I have had another row.
Briefly, he said he'd be home by 7pm tonight, (Being self employed his hours vary) I said I'd cook but might eat with the kids. But he didn't come home, he went out for a drink with mates and didn't get home until 8pm. He didn't tell me he'd be late or was going to the pub.
I feel like a doormat because I'm the one at home, cooking, dealing with the kids, day in day out and he doesn't feel the need to let me know what's happening or that he's going to be late.
I feel like he can do whatever, whenever ( he was out for a drink last night too, but for the whole evening)
He doesn't agree that he should let me know that he's going to be late / or is out for a drink and thinks I'm being completely unreasonable and basically looking to start rows.
Some perspective needed please as I feel like I'm losing the plot.

He doesn't agree that he should let me know

So it's basically a houseshare not a relationship. If you're happy with that I'd at least stop cooking anf doing anything else for him. You wouldn't want to interfere with his private plans!
Would he be ok with you doing the same?

If he refuses to listen to you, your choices are limited.

1.Put up with it and stay.

1. Dont put up with it and leave.
2. Or let him crack on and you equally live your life.

I'd initially do the last one.

Do you ever get a night out? Or any time to yourself at all?

If he's not got the decency to tell you he's going out and act like he's single, I'd be tempted to let him have a taste of it.

No more cooking meals for him, or doing his laundry if you do it. Not sure if you work, but financial independence helps. You can arrange childcare and do things for yourself.

When he realises you're getting on with your life, he'll think twice. If he doesn't...at least you aren't stuck hanging around for him.

Thanks for replying.
To be fair, he's always saying that he'll look after the kids if I want to go out. But I don't go out much. The last time I made plans to go out he then also went on to make plans and said just get a babysitter.

I feel like there's always a problem when I try to stop him doing anything he wants to do. I'm always the one 'causing trouble' ie for complaining that he's late home (often)
Usually goes something like this,
Time agreed
Him late - usually due to socialising
Me annoyed
Him - furious with me for being annoyed, I get told I've ruined another evening and he either goes out again or goes to another room for the evening.
Me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I should also say that I may possibly be slightly autistic, so possibly it bothers me more than it would others when he's late/ unexpectedly home
I have explained this to him and have practically begged him in the past to let me know when he's expecting to come home but generally he forgets or says it's too much to expect of him as he has his head in his work.

OP - I am sorry - but it’s not only him who is at fault here.
Your need to keep such tight grasp on his coming/goings is a little OTT.

• He said 7, and arrived at 8. You told him you aren’t waiting for him to have dinner together. It’s just one hour. Not like he went on an hours long bender and your cooking was in vain...

• ‘I feel like there is a problem wherever I try stopping his from doing something he wants’... Read this again and wonder why it is that his socialising bothers you this much....

• You can also go out. He isn’t preventing you from that. It’s not fair to use you lack of desire to socialise - to punish him for having that desire.

You need to try to stop being this controlling and demand en exact time table. Not many people would like being treated this way - it’d feel like a prison to me to always have to plan and inform someone with such limited margin of error.

I don't feel that I have or desire a tight control on him. During the week, he doesn't get home until 10pm usually, he's generally working but at least once a week will be socialising and I don't expect him to be home by a certain time then.
It's only on the nights we've made plans. I actually said to him earlier today that if he needed to work or whatever tonight I didn't mind, and he said no, I'll come home at 7.

I think you’re making a big thing out of nothing. You said you’d cook but might eat with the kids so why didnt you go ahead and do that?

He was late by one hour, of course he could have messaged or called to mention this but it’s really not the end of the world. It probably came out spontaneously and he thought he could be late as you had already mentioned you’d be eating with the kids (not waiting for him)

I may be the only one thinking this but I do believe you’re overreacting. This should have never even turned into the problem that you think it is now.

What?! @MMmomDD so he gets to come and go as he pleases whilst his wife gets no break and no time for herself because he's decided to go to the pub on his way home?!
Are you insane?
OP this is disrespectful behaviour.
They are HIS kids too, their care doesn't automatically fall to you and you deserve a break whether you choose to go out or not. One of the best pieces of advice however I've ever been given in here is to "take the space" for yourself.
This means leaving him at home with the children more whilst you go out and have time for you. This means sitting in your car reading a magazine or a late night coffee shop just for the sake of it if you like. Teach him that the space, free time etc is not always his to take. Tell him you have plans the day before and then go out.

I'd be pissed off too OP - more the fact he doesn't have the respect to just say he will be late! A text message is hardly 'keeping tabs', it's common decency! An hour later when you've cooked tea is majorly taking the piss! He's a selfish prick if he can't see that!

Sounds like he's stuck in the Victorian era where he could come home from a 'hard day', see the children for 5 minutes already washed and in their PJ's, pats them on the head and wishes them goodnight. Then turns for his pipe and slippers!

A phone call could at least tell you I’ll be late, stopping for a drink. It doesn’t sound like a great relationship op sorry

Well OP simple solution, if he thinks he does not need to tell you when he will be in, you do not need to cook his bloody dinner and wait on him like a servant!

An hout late is nothing and in the grand scheme of things isn’t a big deal but when it’s a pattern of behaviour where he feels entitled to deliberately not afford you the curtesy of informing you of his plans than it’s a problem.

Essentially, the kids and home are your responsibility and he wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases. If you’re not to have expectations of him why should he get to have expectations of you.

Even if you don’t socialise much, do make the effort to go out. Even if it’s to sit in a cafe drinking coffee and reading. By being constantly available you give the impression that your time isn’t as important as his.

However, long term the self entitled disrespect he continues to demonstrate will erode your respect for him.

He was an hour late. I really couldn't get worked up about that at all. You told him you might eat with the kids so he had no reason to think he would be waiting for you. You also say he would happily stay at home so you could do the same, but that you choose not to. So again, you can't really resent him for choosing to do that himself.

Based on the evening alone, I'd say you were massively overreacting. But on the other hand, if you feel you're constantly let down then I can see why even an hour might grind your gears. I do sympathise because I have two very small kids and a DH who's often kept late at work. It's easy to feel like the default parent and resent that role. But I know he respects me and my time, and wouldn't take what I do for granted.

If you start going out in the evening he will have to come home. I would find something to do - cinema/ beautician /swimming class/ sitting in the car listening to some great podcasts a couple of times a week and tell him he has to be home at x time.
Get him into the way of doing it. He might then appreciate that your evenings are not leisurely and be a bit more appreciative and considerate about keeping to his agreed arrangements.

The kids and house are your responsibility. He sees this as your thing. He doesn't see it as his responsibility to go home and look after his own kids, he can do as he likes. I'd tell him to shape up or get the fuck out.

Sorry it's inconsiderate. Had an ex like this. Would come home very late but then somehow had me apologizing for upsetting him?! That's emotional abuse!

I'm seeing a friend going through the same thing at the moment. Her partner uses his business as an excuse to get out of anything.

If he doesn't understand that he needs to be more courteous, then I can't see how this will ever improve.

It was only an hour!

An hour late when food had been made in expectation. I'd consider that rude and expect a text.

Anyway, I think you need to call his bluff and start taking more time for yourself away from the home.

I think you need to back off a bit.

He’s an idiot but, you’re enabling it.

The last time I made plans to go out he then also went on to make plans and said just get a babysitter.

This is very telling. You made your plans first. Then he decided to make plans. But YOU were the one who had to organise childcare? Why? That should have been his problem to solve, because he was the one choosing to create the need for childcare.

Please tell me you didn't cancel your plans and stay home...

Wow honestly 'it's only an hour'. Well it might be to some people. However the point is, is that op does not feel valued and is feeling taken advantage off. Are you sure op he is with who he says he's with if it's that regular ?