Messaging another man - I need advice!

[BettyBrownIsInTown]

Hi all, I know what I'm doing is wrong. I just need others' thoughts to crystallize things in my mind. I'm a regular poster but have NC for this.

Been with a lovely man for just over a year. Previous long-term partner was EA (divorced six years ago) and new man is the opposite - really kind, upbeat, warm, straightforward (no gaslighting, stonewalling, nasty accusations or temper that ex displayed) hence I am aware that this guy is a real 'find' and I'm lucky. When I first met him I wasn't physically attracted but we were friends for a few months then got together because I appreciated his good qualities...of which there are many. However, there isn't really a spark, never has been. Sometimes I wonder if it is friendship that I get from this relationship. I don't feel sexually attracted to him though I can see he's good looking and just so lovely. I am aware that this is all very 'me me me' but so far he has made it clear that he loves me and is very keen. In many ways I think that's part of the problem - he's quite full-on and I worry that I might become too bossy because he is so easy going and 'nice'. Sometimes I feel a it irritated with him and find him a bit wet.

A few weeks ago I got chatting online with a man i knew from years ago (I only knew him a bit - met a few times but through work - we got on well). He was married with a child then but he's divorced now. We've been messaging each other a lot...most days and sometimes throughout the eve until midnight. There's no actual flirting and def nothing intimate - it's all chat but I do feel excited by him. He has a dry wit and I remember finding him attractive and friendly years ago when I met him but we were both attached then.

I don't know if he is interested in me - he could just enjoy chatting online. Neither of us has suggested meeting up (though we live in the same area). But I think the fact that I'm interested in him at all is indicative of the fact that maybe my current relationship isn't really enough for me or it's just not right.

I feel guilty that I'm messaging another man as it's not so innocent that I would mention it to my boyfriend. Also, I feel so sad at the thought that I am hurting my bf but also worried that I may stay with him for the emotional security. I'm middle aged and don't want to be single for ever. Should I stop messaging new man? Deep down I'd like to meet him to see if there's a spark but I know this is wrong. Or should I end the relationship, knowing that I have doubts, despite the fact that we make each other happy and were very comfortable together?

To be honest I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone I wasn’t sexually attracted too as surely that’s just friendship?
I’d let your boyfriend free to find someone who does find him sexually attractive (I’d be gutted to think my partner thought of me that way) and do the same yourself.

Id say the same let your bf go, then go see if u like the other guy, u cant keep your bf just incase there isnt a spark with the other guy that is wrong & isnt fair on him.your bf should be with someone who wants him 100% .this could get messy and end up with someone getting hurt ,so my advice is let one guy go.

It sounds as if your boyfriend isn't so much Mr Right as Mr Not-Wrong. He's a perfectly nice person but you don't really feel romantically attached to him - and that's not enough for a relationship. It's also not worth settling with someone you don't truly love just because you're afraid of being alone. You will miss out on someone who is right for you!

So yes, I think it's time to end things with boyfriend. He'll be crushed but it's better that than leading him on. And then you are free to see how things go with the other man.

Good luck!

You ‘feel excited by’ and are ‘interested in’ an OM, whom you are constantly messaging day and night. You do not want your partner to know. You are developing an emotional connection with this man. (The messages don’t have to be sexual for intimacy and reliance to develop.) You are creating distance between yourself and your partner. He does not deserve this.

The ethical response would be to stop the messaging and then end things with your partner. You can resume things with OM later.

What @MsDogLady said

Hi op I'm unfortunately in a similar situation which has only began very recently.
The new person is someone i met professionally but had an absolute instant and quite scary attraction with. He feels the same. He's married with kids and I'm living with dp and kids in a loveless relationship, more like brother and sister if I'm honest.

It's a scary thought, starting over alone or with someone else. I'm not scared of being alone but am mindful of the fact that I did ( a long time ago admittedly ) have a huge attraction to my dp but not any more and have tried so hard to make it work. There is nothing left to give.

I have been thinking about this all day today and thought that this new person is just magnifying how a normal relationship should be and mine is simply miserable.

I don't want to hurt him but where do you go when the attraction isn't there? I don't think you can make yourself fancy someone just because you're supposed to.

I'm rambling sorry. Your post resonated a lot with me and my situation.
What I think is the answer is this- if the new person wasn't on your mind, would you still be feeling this way about your dp? My answer is yes, I've felt like this for a while.

I hope you find true happiness whatever happens :)

You should end your relationship because it's not truly authentic.

Even if there's no spark with this other man, you will seek it elsewhere because something is fundamentally lacking in the relationship.

End it, he deserves more.

You are 'settling' for your current DP. The other man makes you feel alive. Even if nothing happens with the other man, you know your current relationship won't make you happy.

You should finish with your boyfriend. Not because of the other man, but because it’s not quite right. It’s very soon in a relationship to be feeling this unsure and angsty, and if you don’t fancy him now you never will.

Then, when you’re single, see what happens with the other man.

Don’t get physically involved with the other man first. That would be unfair and cowardly.

Read about attachment theory op starting with this article. It might help understand why you are in the position you are in, especially after the previous ea relationship

psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/

This helped me as am anxiously attached so only equate love/“spark” with either being slightly mistreated or insecure in the attachment

I would leave the BF... the lack of physical attraction would make it a no go for me, personally.

Zof... you are both partnered up and have kids? I have sympathy because you can't help falling in love, but you know it's not right, right? He probably has lots of sex with his wife and she thinks things are great. He is very unlikely ever to leave her.

I think JimJam may be onto something.

Your bf is a safe dependable option but now you’re in the market for something more.

The ‘something more’ you’re looking for will come eventually just not with the man you currently call your bf. Now that you recognise that you want something more and acknowledge that your bf is going to provide it, you have no choice but to end it before you continue down the dangerous trajectory you’re currently on.

You need to break up with your boyfriend. That’s all there is to say really.

I think the replies would be less gentle if a man were messaging behind his nice g/f's back possibly. It's not kind to view your b/f in this way. We all want someone who wants us. He should have that opportunity too.

no gaslighting, stonewalling, nasty accusations or temper that ex displayed hence I am aware that this guy is a real 'find' and I'm lucky

Umm, no - just because this guy is not abusive doesn't make him "a real find".

Non abusive is pretty much the lowest bar there is for a relationship. It's very concerning that you're thinking "Wow! This guy DOESN'T emotionally abuse me! He must be one in a million!"

Non abusive is normal. I'm concerned that your expectations are very, very low.

Thank you all for really interesting and helpful replies. I haven't disappeared, am just dealing with the kids etc. I will look at @Jimjamtimjam article and come back later.

@jimjamtimjam thank you. Just read that and it is so true for me.