In laws

[FridayFunday]

Has anyone had to deal with in-laws who were neglectful towards their DH when he was a child? How do you cope with it when they expect to have a normal relationship with your DH now he’s an adult?

My MIL was moaning at me yesterday that my DH never calls her and I didn’t know what to say (he wasn’t there).

It’s just so infuriating that she expects to have a lovely normal relationship now he’s an adult after being awful to him when he was a child and teenager.

It was pretty bad both practically and psychologically (frequently telling DH and his sis that having children had ruined her life!)

I feel angry about it but it’s not my family so don’t feel I should say anything.

Has anyone else had similar?

This is exactly what my in-laws are like. We don’t see them very much, and when we do my fil barely talks, and mil pretends nothing ever happened. The sad thing is my fil behaviours seem to be manifesting themselves in my husband... sorry I can’t be much help. But you’re not alone!

My MIL was moaning at me yesterday that my DH never calls her and I didn’t know what to say (he wasn’t there).
Either be non-committal or tell her she needs to speak to him directly as he is the person who needs to make this (adult) decision.

However, also make it clear to your DH that you'll support him if he prefers to stay clear of his parents. I'm unsure if you and your DH already have children together but, if not, this clear communication and agreement between the two of you should really help if/when you have children as no doubt the demands will really ramp up. Good luck!

We're dealing with similar (although the emotional abuse took a different form).

My in-laws have all the traits of covert narcissism between them. It has been a lengthy journey to get to this point of acceptance (including a lot of counselling). The main MO is triangulation (especially with their children but it goes way beyond that), passive aggression and gas-lighting/lies/bending the truth to make themselves look innocent/amazing/caring (FIL in particular is very grandiose and has told a few real whoppers - some to belittle DH's achievements and others to make out he has achieved a lot more).

I still don't know how to deal with it properly but what I do now is (there were years and years when I did the exact opposite): try not to bring them up at all; never suggest that DH makes contact; never arrange contact; do not allow them to triangulate with me (I slowly removed email, phone, social media contact with them and now ONLY see them when DH is in the room with me; grey rock so they get no supply from me; support him if he asks for support/ask him if he needs support (visits that he considers obligatory - birthdays etc. although I won't go on Mothering Sunday or Father's day).

It is hard