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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP never supports me

13 replies

Realjournal123 · 12/04/2019 19:18

My DD needs her passport renewing and is being very difficult about her passport pictures which you now have to take yourself on an app. I'm tired of her whinging about them and have helped her on numerous occasions but the pics are never good enough. She started again last night and asked me why I was being such a cow and shouted "she's such a cow'! I asked her if she just called me a cow and she said 'yes'. We're not a swearing family and so I asked her dad to have a word with her. He was in the next room and clearly heard her but said to me' I didn't hear anything' . My other daughter told him what she'd said and he ignored her. He moved his hands towards me as though I should go away . I told him he was unbelievable. E thing is, she was upset and can get very stressful but she said it in front of my stepson who is visiting but it was him not siding with me tat hurt the most. If only he'd just said not to talk to your mother like that or similar I'd be fine, but he made me feel as though I deserved it, which I really don't. I'm a housekeeper who never gets taken out and gets a freebie box of chocolates which he said he doesn't like, as a gift after he'd been away for 3 weeks abroad. My question is, does this happen to anyone else and WWYD??

OP posts:
Mintandthyme · 12/04/2019 19:24

I’d start to look for a job so that I was not just a housekeeper
Then I would think long and hard about spending the rest of my life with a gobshite.

ltk · 12/04/2019 19:26

How old are the dc?

When you say 'He never supports me', which areas are most upsetting for you?

In the example you give, of course he should have backed you up - no question. But there seems to be a much bigger picture.

Realjournal123 · 12/04/2019 21:19

My DD"s are 13 and 15. It was the older one who called me a cow. I was very hurt that he didn't support me because he heard the whole thing and the day before I supported him when his son called him an old man because there was some technology he didn't understand. We haven't been getting along and previously he's been working from home so we've been together a lot. I feel he only came back because his son was visiting and tomorrow he leaves with his son and is going abroad again. I'm actually looking fwd to them leaving because there's been an atmosphere. I only heard through my daughter that he's going to be away for 3 weeks again even though his business trip is only for 4 days. So yes I guess there is more to it than just the isolated incident. But no wonder when, whenever I ask for his support he never gives it. Ever. He always says he didn't hear, wasn't there as though I'm somehow making it up and I can't prove anything. Bizarre reaction when all you want is for him to discipline a daughter for being rude. I really don't get it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/04/2019 21:24

I don't understand why you don't discipline your own child. Why do you need your husband to do it for you?

If my daughter even now, at 21 dared to call me a cow, she'd bitterly regret it, but she'd never do it and never has,..but I'd deal with it. I wouldn't go crawling to my husband asking him to.

Why would you even do that?

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/04/2019 21:26

I would be more concerned that he didn't tell you he's going away for 3 weeks rather than him pretending he didn't hear what your DD said. They are clearly some serious issues in your relationship. Has it always been this bad or is this fairly recent? What do you get out of this?

Realjournal123 · 12/04/2019 21:47

I asked him because if I started disciplining her I'd get accused of shouting or spoiling the atmosphere or some crap like that., I'm usually the one doing the discipline though so I also wanted him to step up to the plate for once.Hes a very hands off parent in the sense that he speaks to the girls once a day, gives them a small hug once a day and that's it. I'm very close to my daughters and we do a lot together so I just wanted him to be a father and let them see that they have one.

OP posts:
XingMing · 12/04/2019 21:48

OTOH, I get told, several times a week, that I don't support DH in his mission to perfect DS. Well NO, because he's more like me than DH. What would work for one person is not universally applicable.

XingMing · 12/04/2019 21:51

Sorry, I blundered in here, and have left an irrelevent message. As you were.

gamerchick · 12/04/2019 22:00

Well if she doesn't get her photo done, she doesn't get a passport and the natural consequences that come with that.

Tell him he can get the photo and if he doesn't then it's tough. Approach it differently without the battle.

Although it sounds as if you have bigger problems with him.

LemonTT · 12/04/2019 22:59

Its hard to tell whether he didn't back you up or he decided that at that moment the best course of action was to not allow your daughter's tantrum to escalate.

To be honest I would not have confronted her any further as I think she would have lost control and continued to provoke you. From what you have written you daughter wanted to be confrontational. She shouted at you and then you asked what she said, knowing full well what it was. Then you got her to do it again which she did. Getting your husband to ask her for a third time was just going to get another repeat. She was being emboldened and angry by the rise she got out of you and at that point you needed to walk away. That doesn't mean the issue gets dropped. But that she gets to sweat it.

The answer is simple, no passport, no holiday until she reflects and apologises.

In relation to your DP, you need to get him to explain his reaction and you both need to agree how to deal with a teen who is probably getting out of control

KOKOtiltomorrow · 12/04/2019 23:40

OP it sounds like your priorities are a bit skewed. Teens are generally notoriously concerned by how they look in images. You don't need to use the app....you can go to a booth and then use the reference number it gives....might be better to Do that so it is "official" and not just you.

Then you need to address the real issues in your relationship as per your thread title.

adaline · 13/04/2019 07:30

I wouldn't really class calling someone a cow as swearing - it's not nice but it's not in the same league as calling someone a bitch or telling them to fuck off.

But anyway, if you're unhappy with your daughters behaviour then you need address it yourself - not rely on your partner to do it.

AgentJohnson · 13/04/2019 08:07

There are so many separate issues which you are (understandably) bundling together. Expecting your H to back you up in that particular moment given his history of not doing so was pointless. Deal with her behaviour yourself, she chooses her photo or you will use any that she has already taken that meets the requirements (and she will be stuck with it for ten years or until she pays for a new one sooner).

You have an H problem and handwringing hasn’t worked yet. In addition, your H’s behaviour and your marriage dynamic is a terrible example to model to your DD’s. Stop waiting for him to step up and start taking your power back by making some decisions about how much of his shit you choose to tolerate.

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