Am I the toxic one?

[nzvickymary]

I’m really caught between feelings here of wanting to do what is best for me or just staying with my partner for the sake of our toddler and for him.

I just felt I have compromised too much during our time together and I’m not one to speak up at the time.

It’s that whole ‘the straw that breaks the donkeys back’ scenario, but the donkey never protested in the first place.

Quick example, I haven’t let go of the fact that during labor, my husband wasn’t emotionally supportive at all because he was having a txt argument all day with his sister. I downplayed the labor until we got into the business end of things simply to not make more issues for him whilst he was all upset over whatever. The result was I gave birth alone, he had left to get the midwife.
He left a few days later for business, which, as I do, smiled and said it was fine to go. It really wasn’t. This is very common, he is never actually around, but I like my space and am happier when he isn’t around honestly.

I cannot let go how he acts around my family and whenever I think about it i am simply ashamed and want to be done with him. This I am vocal about but he simply says I’m punishing him for the past (although I’m yet to see change).

I know it’s me right? I’m the one with the problems. But I am so done and so burnt out and I’ve let just anger and resentment settle on my heart.

What can I do? I just want to be happy, for all of us to be happy.

I’m going to say it: we shouldn’t have had a child, I knew it at the time and had many sleepless nights considering options. An accident happened and that’s ok, I love our son more than anything and love being a mum and wouldn’t change it for the world. But something has to change now

Thanks for reading mums and dads and all the rest and I hope you have some positive insight to share :) x

Maybe you need to stand up and put down your red lines
Seems you have very little too lose , and more to gain . .

Yes!
I really need to write down what my red lines may even be. I wouldn’t know where to begin with that.

I feel we have both reached a point where we cannot listen to the other respectfully. I just feel like everything he says is an attack and i think he does too. Maybe everything I say is an attack! Gosh.

Have you had any 1:1 counselling @nzvickymary? If not that might be a way of getting this sorted out in your mind. Have you had any marriage counselling together with him?

Also, if you really are feeling " whenever I think about it i am simply ashamed and want to be done with him." maybe you should also, separately and very quietly, be speaking to a lawyer about what your options are going forward from this relationship and reviewing your finances to see how you'd cope if you decided the marriage was no longer working for you.

I have some similarities to your situation and my therapist said that it sounded like was parenting a lot of adults. You're not toxic but you do need to try your DP like an adult to tell him how you feel even if it isn't what he wants to hear. Look up transactional analysis and try to sit in your adult ego state. Its fascinating how others react to the difference. Have you considered couples counselling? I've arranged this for me and DH because he was so shit during my pregnancy, c section and recovery that I'm struggling to move past it.

If you're happier when he isn't around, maybe it's simply time to end the relationship. Sometimes things go too far to be salvaged.

You don't sound toxic, but you don't appear to have been able to establish any boundaries in the relationship or been able to state your needs or true feelings. Is this just with him, or something you have had a problem with in previous relationships? How about in friendships and family relationships?

What do you want...
Make a list.
The look at it and see if what your asking is any different from what friends have.
As to your family, tell him since he keeps doing it, how can it be to do with the past.
The baby's birth, I think you really do need to let that one go, it is your past, nothing will change that.

Your not toxic but you sound very passive by agreeing to things and allowing them to happen but then holding a grudge you’re setting yourself up to be very unhappy. I think you need to be more assertive.

You need to state your needs and not just tell him that things are fine even when they're not. Or that you're ok with something, when you're not.

I've known people like this and it's actually really difficult when someone doesn't tell me what they need.

I have two choices - to work out what they really mean or to take them at face value.

If I try and work out what they really mean, I could get it wrong. If I take them at face value, well there is a 50% chance I'll get it right.

If that makes sense.

So, if he checks something is ok with you, and it isn't, then tell him it isn't. Don't say it's ok and then be filled with resentment.

My friend's wife also does this and he finds it really difficult. He ends up feeling like nothing he does will be right so he might as well please him self.

He'd rather she told him. He doesn't want her to resent him but finds the constant, "no, it's fine" frustrating when sometimes it is fine and sometimes it isn't.

She and I are also friends and she does it with me and other friends too. It's just what she's like.

But it is hard to navigate.

I think to be fair on him you are giving mixed signals like when he says is it ok for him to go on business and you say yes but mean no . Is there still anything worth saving between you? If so then you should try counselling or at least try to be clearer with what you want from him x

See what happens when you say no. I used to blame myself for telling my ex it was okay to do things.

Then, when I had enough and actually said “No, it isn’t okay for you to go on holiday with your friends and leave me alone with the DC” or “I don’t want you to work away, I need you here” ... that was when he really showed his true colours. And he went ahead and did those things anyway.

I think always knew that deep down and that is why I said it was fine. Or course it wasn’t.

And later I looked back and thought “What decent man would even ask or want to leave his wife alone, struggling with small DC?” - just because I would agree, still didn’t make it okay for him to be so selfish.

A decent adult father doesn’t need to be TOLD to put his phone down while his wife is in labour

I doubt very much that you are the toxic one. Maybe you just want an equal relationship with someone who respects you and acts like you are on the same team.

Oh, and I remember the “you need to let go off the past” stuff as well. Why? Because he did not want to be held accountable for his own behaviour ever.