How long did it take you to decide to leave/split up? How to help a friend.

[pickledpickles]

I get that it's a personal thing but is it normal to go back and forth every few days on whether or not to leave your partner? I've only ever ended a long and medium distance relationship and decided in a few days but had been unhappy for some time. Because I didn't live with them the problems weren't in my face 24/7. I'm trying to support a friend but finding it frustrating to say the least and was just hoping for some shared experiences to understand the process when there's a child involved. Ds is 11 and understood his mum and dad to be splitting but this changes every few days. It's hard to keep up and must be confusing for the ds.
I guess I just need to continue to listen and offer a shoulder but my friends dp is an addict who's turned abusive emotionally since she said she wanted out and admitted an affair so trying to understand why she's clutching at each straw of kindness he offers is difficult.
How do I help her?

Anyone?

Personally it's taken me years to get to this point where we are finally splitting up. But there is no abuse or bad behaviour involved in my situation.

Your friend is in a much more entrenched situation it sounds like and there's a statistic something like women leave that kind of relationship 6 or 7 times before they leave for good. Has she spoken to any outside agencies? I'd maybe give her numbers for women's aid and local DV charities? Otherwise, all you can do is be there for her in a non judgmental way and support her. Or if this is too difficult for you then create some distance.

Thank you for your reply. She's been to relate but was prohibitively expensive and the therapist was quite judgemental. In reality I think she was concerned about the child being cared for by someone intoxicated and that my friend was not doing anything to protect the child or herself.
He's a good man and a good dad she says and doesn't see him as abusive even though he's been a complete bastard since she said about splitting up. He's manipulating her into staying every time they discuss their relationship and his addiction. I feel so sorry for the child who is approaching SATS with this hanging over his head.
I'm trying my best to be supportive but this I'm leaving/he's cut down and been nice so I'll stay a bit longer has been going on for well over a year.
She's financially independent and can afford to live on her own. I don't understand her thinking at all.
Maybe I should distance myself a little.

It's understandable that you can't fathom her behaviour - from the outside it doesn't make any sense. But in these relationships the abuser has usually managed to convince their spouse that they are useless and wouldn't survive without them or that no one else would want them. It's very sad. With regards to the child, the therapist as right from a safeguarding point of view to be concerned about an intoxicated parent - and sadly social care do have to become involved if children are at risk and the parent is not doing enough to protect them (either parent) from it. How old is the child? It is frustrating as a friend watching as there's not much you can do to change her behaviour

The child is 11 and well aware of his dad's addiction. It's so sad. They live separate lives really, completely independent of each other apart from school runs. She wants her ex to be to have 50/50 but I just don't see how she can even think about it.