DV relationship - Non Molestation Order

[Neverbroken]

Where to start?
I was with my now ex partner for nearly two years, from very early on in the relationship I was accused of talking to, sleeping with, meeting up with other girls. I became pregnsnt very early on which ended in a missed miscarriage (I do believe he drugged me and caused this but I cannot prove that now). During my miscarriage he was absent, I remember right before I miscarried I had a scan and he called me and asked how it went although he didn’t come with me. As soon as I said it went fine he hung up, we’d argued quite a bit around that time. The next time I spoke to him he asked to come round and see me. Everything went fine. I remember drinking my juice the next day and it tasting weird and losing my pregnancy symptoms. My housemate who had also had some of the juice came back home after work that day with stomach pains. A couple of days later I lost all pregnancy symptoms went for a scan and baby had no heartbeat after me seeing a heartbeat just a week before. I went through the miscarriage by myself he was nowhere to be seen but would call me once a day asking how I am and what was going on.

After that we went on holiday (his suggestion to apparently make up for the miscarriage) 3 days into the 4 day holiday he woke up and it just seemed like he wanted to argue, everything I did he made a negative comment about to the point where I wanted to just get out. So I picked up a cigarette and went to leave. He stood in front of the door not letting me go so yes I pushed him to the side after asking him to move. At which point he picks me up and chokes me on the bed. He said he doesn’t want to see himself like that so I forgave him. We moved out together (flat in my name because he apparently had bad credit) he cheated on me within two months and let the girl be calling my phone. I left, he tells me he’s sorry he wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc. We get back together, once again the accusations start, the put downs.

He even blew up on me at work for speaking to one of his colleagues despite me pleading with him to take a look at himself and see how he is embarrassing not only himself but also me. He was that angry he didn’t even realise his manager was there and had seen everything. I left his workplace and went home this same night he comes to my house and climbs over the neighbours fence because I wouldn’t open my front door (scared, upset and knowing trying to talk to him so soon Wouldn’t be a good thing). The neighbours had cctv and caught him and complained to my landlord which eventually led to my land lord asking me to leave. Things were fine for a little while he takes us away for New Years Eve.

He suggests that I live with his mom so I leave the landlords this literally lasts two days, during the time I am living at his moms house he constantly accuse someone me of sleeping with his brother (who doesn’t even live at his moms house). I go out with him, in the car he asks to go through my phone. My friend Manny (a male rings) he blows up telling me I’m a -insert any derogatory term you can- despite me calling manny back infront of him as he demanded I do. He actually had nothing to say to him just screamed on the phone I was supposed to be his woman and I’m talking to other guys. This same day I had found out I was pregnant and told him mid argument. He screams he doesn’t care who’s child is it etc?

I leave his moms that day and go to live with my aunty. Once again everything becomes fine between us. He once again suggests moving out telling me he wants to be a family. We get a flat (yet again in my name) I notice after being here a couple of weeks he’s barely moved anything in but bought a TV and £300 gaming chair.

We go for my 12 week scan he’s fine throughout it, I go back to work and miss his first call in my lunch break because I was eating but manage to pick up his second call he starts the accusing again. This time my colleague can hear I’m seriously cringing inside, she was shocked that my partner was speaking to me like that.
I get home and he asks me to search a new steering wheel as the one he has for his game doesn’t vibrate. I do so and we go to get food. Not the way I asked him for the £20 he said he’d put towards the WiFi he said he didn’t tell me he’d give it to me. He makes me go to the chip shop then calls me to scream that it’s taking too long and he’s missed 20 minutes of the match. When we get home the match doesn’t work on the website he uses so I put the tv on rich kids go skint the woman on there has a baby. He says he doesn’t want to watch it, screams I'm annoying and he doesn’t want to be with me. We then spend the majority of the night arguing at which point completely drained of energy I ask him to leave multiple times. I pack his stuff and put it by the door. He takes some of the stuff and does leave after me threatening to call the police.

The next day I receive a call from an unknown number after blocking him on everything which I don’t pick up. 20 minutes later my door bell rings. I leave it about half an hour call him and tell him not to ring my doorbell and to leave me alone. I call my sister and ask if I can come to hers. My Uber is two minutes away so I go to wait outside. He comes from around a corner grabs me and throws to the floor trying to get my key he sits on my back and tells me he is going to break my arm, he hopes I lose my baby etc all in the presence of the locksmith he has called to change my locks.

In the end the police were called this isn’t the first time he has changed my locks he did this at the last flat. The police have suggested a non molestation order. I am heartbroken, not only for me but also for my child and now I am sitting here questioning how I could love someone who wouldn’t put never through so much. He handled me violently because he wanted to, he could have said he would come back later but no furthermore the locksmith was already there he could have let me walk away.

The fact my child could grow up without a father makes me so so sad.

Wow, what a catch. Not!

Seriously what does this scumbag offer to the universe?

You don't seem to have much self worth, OP. No human being is worth being treated like this.

I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like your partner treated you.

"from very early on in the relationship I was accused of talking to, sleeping with, meeting up with other girls"

Sorry but this is when you should have ended it.

Please rid yourself of this disease of a human being. He is an absolute waste of oxygen. Get the non mol order. Don't feel sorry. Feel happy that your child will grow up with a strong mother, modelling good healthy relationships. That man is biologically the father but he'll never be a dad. Give it a few years and you'll meet somebody else who will make a cracking father and he'll be a distant piss stain of a memory.

Oh I am mad on your behalf. Can you tell?! X

Many, many times you have taken him back when you should have walked away.

What is different this time ?

I know how it sounds wildflower but I guess they all have a charming side. He didn’t start out like that, when he did start saying that stuff I thought I could just show him different and he would stop but I was wrong.

Anyfucker: I’m pregnant, I actually followed through when calling the police, I’ve never blocked him so long before. May sound like little things to you but these are the literal differences.

I guess I also forgot to mention that since I’ve been pregnant I’ve also had to be STI tested and be on antibiotics for no good reason because the girl he was sleeping with while we were split up apparently called him to tell him she may have given him TV despite him telling they used condoms. Apparently the condom split. So there’s another difference for you. Just a lot of 💩

This sounds truly horrible for you @Neverbroken. Stay strong and only take on board positive contributions, you really sound like you don't need anymore negativity 💐💐

I completely understand you wanting to keep the baby and so you should if that is what you want. It will seem like a massive, unachievable task to bring up your child alone, but I have a very close friend who brought up her daughter alone when she was just 18. It's amazing the strength you find for your child.

I understand this may be harder for yourself as you suffer from depression and only you know how this effects you. I think you should look to some professionals to see what help is out there for you once your baby arrives.
Could you definitely not open up communication with your family again and start a fresh or is this not an option at all ?

The most important thing is that you tell yourself everyday that you deserve better and are worth more than how your ex is treating you. Tell yourself it's not only yourself now that your decisions effect, think of your tiny baby and make a promise that you will not return to him.

It will be hard but you need to stay strong as it will be much easier without all the aggravation your ex brings and your baby will be in better environment without him in it until he manages his anger. Even if he says he has got himself together, don't go back and he can see the baby in a supervised situation.

Good luck

Oh and incase I wasn't clear...definitely get the order the police advise. You need to protect yourself and your baby x

I feel like having to face the shake of telling my family will only make me feel worse.
The sad part is that I knew I deserved better but I thought if I kept showing him love he’d eventually learn how to show it back.

I just feel so alone and lost at the moment. The doorbell rang this morning and I was terrified to even look who was down there let alone open it. It was only my WiFi router. That’s not even like me at all.

I’m scared he’s caused harm to the baby by sitting on my back and all the twisting and jerking trying to get him off me. How can someone be so evil?

I think I will feel better when they do actually arrest him as he’s probably sitting there smug thinking he’s gotten away with putting his hands on me again. I just want everything over with, I haven’t been back to work for the past two days, it’s going to be so embarrassing having to explain what’s happened.

Don't pin your hopes on him being charged for anything. Him being arrested won't change anything. Most the time they get away with it. Just get the order.

Also, I strongly advise you to do something with the police called "Clare's Law". Basically what that is, it's kind of like a freedom of information. You give the police his details and where he lives, they look into his police history. If any domestic violence charges are flagged up you will be notified. He won't be told.

A couple of my friends did Clare's Law on their partners and it came back that they had extensive history of stalking, harassment and beating women. They'd been with these people for lengths of time and never knew.

Even with evidence of abusive messages and logs from last year too? The police failed me last year in a major when. It seems when it comes to DV they truly don’t care.

@Neverbroken yep. I was with my ex husband for 7 years. I had evidence of controlling and coercive behaviour, evidence that he bullied me into a termination and he sexually assaulted me. He was let go. I've also had two other instances of rape and GBH with others, all with evidence and they were all let go. Don't put yourself through it imo. It's mainly CPS that are the let down. They refuse to take any crime on unless it's pretty much guaranteed a guilty verdict in court.

This is obviously all through my own experience. It's up to you what you do regarding police. But I found it just made situations worse. Log it with them by all means. But don't expect anything else from it. They won't protect you.

The police won't safeguard you. Especially if you allow him to return over and over. Please just get the non-molestation order and move to a women's refuge. Do the Clare's law. All of that will be enough evidence for you to how social services, because if this continues they will end up getting involved. You'll need to show them how you are actively safeguarding yourself and your child.

You need to look out for your baby Now, if you stay with him /keep giving him more chances he will either kill you or SS will take the child away

Neverbroken I'm so sorry you're going through this.

But the other posters are right. Please get an non molestation order and go to a women's refuge, I am speaking from experience, I went through a lot of situations you did. But I had my family around and I could t go to a refuge because he always threatened them. So just disappear and move out of the the town/city you're in and start afresh.

22 years and I'm still going through this mental abuse.

He will never change and you'll be dependent on him forever and you'll probably end up with more kids. As this is what they do. So you're always easier to control. Vulnerable

Don't be in any doubt that social services will get involved eventually. The only reason they only did an investigation and closed the file is because he doesn't live with me.

It's been a nightmare please please get out because reading your post I feel you're situation will become worse. To be honest reading your post has made me see things differently about my own situation.

We only get one life and this is not love,You and your child are better off without him. My older two are in counselling and hate their father he doesn't exist to them.

Don't be in any doubt that social services will get involved eventually. The only reason they only did an investigation and closed the file is because he doesn't live with me.

@Amani1 is right. Not everyone is as lucky that their case gets closed though as quick. It took me almost 2 years to get rid of them. That was because my mental health declined as a result of the mental abuse. Every time I moved borough, they found me. It's not as black and white as "they will take your child". That is a last resort. But they will contact your family to ask if they can have custody of your child. So your family will find out eventually. The last thing you want is to be put on something called a section 47. That's when social services deem you a risk because you aren't safeguarding. It's also known as a Child Protection Order. That's as good as being blacklisted. It'll stay in your record. That shit doesn't disappear. Please just take our advice. I'll keep saying it until I'm blue in the face.

All this info from us all seems frightening and difficult. But once you make that first step, everything falls into place thereafter. By the sounds of it, a lot of us have done it.

Please put yourself and your unborn child first.

I’ve applied for the Clare’s law.
Section 47 is what they are arresting him under is this the same thing?
They’re not taking my baby at all.
The mental health midwife asked to sit in on my therapy session now I’m thinking against it if they’re just going to log things down to try and take my baby.
It’s not fair that he gets away with this.

This post isn’t even half the things he’s done to me. I’m hoping I can log into my old iCloud and get more evidence. I also need to do a subject data request to get the logs from last year. They can’t just keep letting people go, it’s not right. If I go into a women’s refuge what happens?

im surprised ss arent involved already tbh. i was referred the first time i called the police over my ex.

@CupcakeDrama SS reliance totally depends on the area you live in. Unfortunately it's pot luck with those.

@myheadsamess15 section 47 is in relation to protection of a child. It's likely his arrest is nothing to do with that.

By all means, contact the police if you feel you have sufficient evidence. Just please don't pin your hopes on it going to court.

If you go to a refuge, he won't know where you are. That also gives you more grounds for a non-mol. You'll be in a place of safety. They can then help you moving forward. It's only ever temporary. Making all these steps will prove that you are moving forward in terms of safety.

Well done for apply for Clare's law. It may come back clean, but it's always worth asking.

Unfortunately, if you've disclosed to your midwife any form of domestic abuse then they have a legal duty to inform SS. Just go with it and work with all professionals. The more you fight against it, the more it won't go in your favour.

section 47 assault sentencing guidelines

I’m so scared of him being arrested & how angry he will be. What he will do and also tell people about me. But also feel like he doesn’t deserve to get away with putting his hands on me again.

Unfortunately our justice system is awful, so chances are high that he will get away with it. A lot of people think it'll shock them into behaving better in the future. All it really does is make them more bitter and angry. There's no point sitting there worrying what he's going to say to others about you. People will believe what they want to believe. I've been screwed over so many times, abused and beaten by several different people in my 27 years and every single one got away with it. Never enough evidence, witnesses are too frightened to co-operate, or events are too "historical" to prove.

The rules are that domestic violence/assault have to be reported within 6 months. Any longer than that, it becomes historical and they won't make an arrest.

Your posts make me want to cry for you OP.

He's well and truly brain washed you. Typical abusive behaviour.

You need to get into a refuge so you get the help and clarity you desperately need to get this man out of your life

I don’t want him around me in future at all, my problem is Birmingham is very small. I’ve also moved to an area near his workplace as that’s what he said he wanted, he knows this area a lot better than I do and his friends don’t live far away.

How the police let people get away with this I don’t know. What made me sick was that they made out like they would have arrested him but it was my fault because I didn’t want to come back and be around him like I wasn’t scared witless.

I reported it the same day, also when he did it last year I reported it the same day. They never came to take a statement but it was also reported to the mental health team aswell who said they would have to pass certain parts of the information on to the police.

Go to a refuge they will help you find housing and support elsewhere in the country