DPs crippling insecurity

[marl]

Any words of advice about a partner with crippling insecurity and related anger and have any of you had partners that have managed to work through this? Any wisdom gratefully received:

DP has experienced about 3 years of this without much of a break. Off and on the last two have been a catalogue of unhappiness from him, with employment problems alongside constant short temper at our two DSs. Background - I have been with him 12 years the last 3 of which have been quite stressful. He has refused medication for anxiety and depression but exercise daily seems to make things better. Triggers: death of parents possibly, but also these are issues that he had psychotherapy before long before I met him. My patience has now worn thin and I am struggling to relax in his company. We are on holiday as a family at the moment and he finds my older DS (age 18) from a previous relationship very difficult. DS1 is a very able boy and somewhat overbearing but nothing that is outside the ordinary. In many ways Ds1's go-getting personality is everything that DP is not and this seems to make things worse. At present DS1 can't say anything much without DP tightening his mouth in an ugly angry way - it's clear he can't stand him. The first week of our holiday was marked by his jealousy at the fact Ds2 wanted to spend most of his time with much older DS1 who he idolises in a normal big brother way; this made DP angry that 'our family is dysfunctional' and he is 'made to feel like a spare part'. Honestly, I feel like he is worse than a child and have lost my respect for him in putting me in between him and DS1. I can hardly look at him I am so frustrated and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. If I could leave without the resulting fall out,which I think would break Ds2 and 3 I think, I would feel happier but after a terrible abusive divorce when DS1 was a baby, I don't think I could face it, though financially I am in the much better position of the two of us.We are staying with family atm on holiday which is at least diluting things but being away together without the distraction of work and routine is really showing up his behaviour. Having paid a lot for this trip I am gutted that he can't overcome these behaviours to not spoil my so called rest. Any advice to help my thinking would be most welcome. We haven't been to counselling - partly because of time and partly because I think the root is DPs own mental health rather than the rest of us.

Are the other children his?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are still being met here?.

Are you really only together now because of your younger children?.
I do not think it would at all break either DC2 or 3 if you were to leave this man although this person could well make any separation from him as protracted as possible as punishment to you for having the gall to leave him.

What do you want to teach all your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. After all you and he are teaching them lessons on relationships. Would you want any of your DC to treat their partner like you are, no you would not. So why is this still acceptable to you on some level?.

You seem to have jumped through many hoops for this man at great cost to you. He is jealous of your eldest and he is also a crap example of a stepfather to him too. I think too that this man's nose has been well and truly put out of joint because he is no longer number 1 or The Big Man so acts like a big manbaby.

His mental health is not your responsibility here and I would think his anger is related to his insecurity generally. What issues did he have psychotherapy for long before you met him?. What was his own childhood like to your own knowledge, that often gives clues.

What he is doing here works for him and this is really who he is. He can control himself around other people but saves all the rubbish behaviours for you and probably only you also. No wonder your eldest son cannot stand him, he likely has the measure of this man. And how can you be with someone who has not and will probably never accept your eldest?.

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. Are you afraid of him?. Would you actually call his behaviours abusive?.

Change can appear daunting but there again it would not be any worse than what you are experiencing now. At least you would not have to deal with all this from him day in and out. I doubt very much that someone like this individual would have counselling anyway and would probably cite the same (poor) reasons. If he won't go to counselling then go on your own and start planning a life for yourselves without him in it day to day.

He sounds like an absolute misery and pain in the arse.

Your poor sons.

Maybe you should get out instead of continuing the (considerable) support and understanding that you've been giving him, probably at your own and your kids expense.

If you are unhappy your children will sense it and will also feel unhappy. You need to fix or remove the source of unhappiness. You are not responsible for fixing him... if he won't do it you need to remove him from the situation. Maybe it will give him the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out. I hope everything works out in the end OP. Hugs.

You call it insecurity; I call it acting like an arsehole.

If you've picked up on his attitude to DS1, surely DS1 has too?

He sounds absolutely miserable to live with.

If he won't go to counselling then go on your own and start planning a life for yourselves without him in it day to day.

^ This.

Yes I agree I am not responsible for fixing him. To that end, I guess, I just emotionally checked out of the relationship about a year ago. (Cue occasional snide comments about lack of affection, but I can't sleep with a man I have lost respect for.) I just thought I would have to give him time to fix himself of late. Yes the other two DCs are his and I feel like I can't face a situation where my kids may be going backwards and forwards between homes in the week. I would say his behaviour is not overtly aggressive or abusive in a conscious way - innately when I met him he was a gentle type of bloke and quite different from my ex-h. But he is kind of manic now and seems to snap at the children suddenly which means they are anchoring themselves to me - exacerbated by me being the main breadwinner often away from home more. He is struggling with self control and mental health and walking on eggshells is my experience of not knowing if he has woken up in a good place or not. He is manically going to the gym which eases it but I think one of the problems with depression and anxiety is an element of selfishness about failing to recognise quite how ill you are. His psychotherapy was for issues with his late mother ( though nothing truly awful in fact just a bit inadequate), anxiety and breakdown of a previous relationship - probably for the same reasons I guess. It's not good is it... sigh.

Amaldo yes, maybe I should ask him to move out and see if he can fix himself in the first instance ... (finances of that one may be interesting.)

I agreed to relationship counselling with my DP as he also refused treatment for long standing depression. It was absolutely exhausting being around him. I was verging on needing treatment for depression myself when I called time and insisted something had to change or one of us was leaving. DP still refused treatment but he did pull his socks up so to speak, as he was made to listen to what I was saying, and not allowed to fall back on saying I was nagging him, etc. We are still together but things are not the same as before his depression.
Two things I know - children pick up on this situation and it's literally soul destroying for all parties. Something has to change and if he is unwilling / unable - it has to be you. Your choice on behalf of your children. Choose healthy

Yes the other two DCs are his and I feel like I can't face a situation where my kids may be going backwards and forwards between homes in the week.

Do you think your younger two would want to see him at all given his behaviours?. Just as pertinently would he be at all bothered with them going forward?.

You cannot or equally will not answer what you get out of this relationship now so what does that tell you?. There is really no good reason for staying with this man now. None at all.

Atillathemeercat yes I think they would I'm afraid although they are a bit reticent about him atm. We've very much shared the care of the DC with us both working part time when they were younger. My job currently is more demanding so I am generally doing less of the day-to-day stuff. Realistically making a major change will also mean me changing my job - possible but pretty harsh. Albeit he's pretty 'charged' a lot of the time at the moment DP does do a lot for them and with them.

It always gets asked when obsession with the gym is mentioned but any chance he could be taking steroids?

No. Logical thought but he's definitely not the type. More of a vegetarian organic etc. But symptoms are not dissimilar, from what I know!

Honestly, I am sure your ds2 and ds3 will get over the fall-out from the divorce. Your relationship sounds dismally and irretrievably unhappy, which can never be a good thing for the children growing up in it.

Have a good chat with a rl friend or relative when you get home and gather all your reserves of strength ... and LTB! you won't regret it.

Thanks Bibbetybobbedtyhat. Yes, and once it's said aloud that makes it more clear I guess. And yes the 'nagging' thing or the 'I don't want to talk about that' can't be ducked at counselling but I am flagging in terms of energy for indulging any more. DPotter useful to hear your experience. I feel the same - at times I feel I'm on the edge of constant high anxiety myself, partly from picking it up from the atmosphere I think. The only way I can try not to absorb it is to cut myself off emotionally from him. It's too exhausting otherwise.

Atillathemeercat I didn't answer the question... umm. What am I getting out of the relationship - really just a feeling of some kind of a unit for the two DSs that are shared, alongside childcare so I can do quite a demanding job and practical 'around the house things' that when I did single parent years ago were more of a strain though I did them - but I think I can honestly say, that's it. Nothing much emotional though he is a supportive person re my career, certainly not physical though I feel distinctly unbothered by that atm and nothing much financial, though if I had to do everything financially rather than just nearly everything then it would add slightly to the burden. So again, it's not good.