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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice on how to say no to family

29 replies

dorkygirl369 · 12/04/2019 13:51

I have two siblings, both divorced, both with children of their own, the dads aren't really in the picture and it seems to have fallen upon my shoulders to fill in this gap. I have become the support for both, i have given them over a year of constant babysitting and constantly staying over the weekends. My husband hardly sees me and when he does it's because I'm having the children overnight in our home. They trash my house everytime and do not help tidy it up and help themselves to all our food. But if i say no I'm told I'm lazy because I dont work, i dont do anything (this is because I dont drive and can't take all seven of their children on a bus alone) and I'm being selfish because they never get a break.
I've tried making it so certain days every month I will have them so i can have time with my own family but this doesn't work, they initially said this was a great idea but they still just turn up whenever they want, to the point where I lock my door and pretend I'm not home. It's effecting my marriage, my children and well me, I'm always tired from the constant child minding, i do not get money to watch them the majority of the time. I'm so stressed out, I will have 3 days this entire half term with my husband and daughters, the rest is babysitting. But saying no nicely just isn't working and if I just outright refuse it ends up with me getting constant grief from everyone. I dont know what to do anymore.
Should I keep babysitting or deal with a huge family argument?

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 12/04/2019 13:58

Tell them you’re having a break. 4 months in which you will not be doing any babysitting at all, and if they want to see you during that time it will be you, your dh and your daughters visiting them.

Then hold firm and don’t let them in if they turn up. If they give you grief by phone, tell them you’re blocking them until they can stop whining,

They can have a big family argument by themselves if they like but you don’t have to engage with it.

gamerchick · 12/04/2019 14:03

What about your husband, can he stand by your side while you tell them to fuck off as back up?

gamerchick · 12/04/2019 14:04

Seriously, if they give you grief tell them to get back on touch when they're over themselves.

Come on OP, they're walking all over you.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 14:04

No is a complete sentence.

Tell them you will let them know your availability and if you don't let them know, its because you aren't available.

Stop taking their calls or responding to their messages.
If it's not convenient, you response is " I can't help you out that day. I've got something on." It's not their business what you are doing.

Don't get into an argument with them. Simply " I've got to go now. Bye" will suffice.

If they try and dump their kids on you, I would in no uncertain terms tell them you'll contact social services. They're taking the piss.

You should divert their calls to me to respond to.Grin

Original poster
dorkygirl369 · 12/04/2019 14:05

He does frequently, but the amount that's happened he isn't very nice about it and often I ask him to not say anything because I get more grief from them x

OP posts:
Original poster
dorkygirl369 · 12/04/2019 14:08

I think half the problem is I feel bad for their situations, because they tell me how hard it is being a single mother so i want to be able to help them but helping has turned into being taken advantage of and I dont know how to tip the scales back to normal. I think i will let them both know i need a complete break from babysitting though, i like that idea xx

OP posts:
OrdinaryGirl · 12/04/2019 14:08

It's taken me a really long time to discover that actually, people being cross with you is okay, and not the worst thing in the world.
I really benefited from reading a book called The Curse of Lovely. It talks about all the things you sacrifice for the sake of being 'lovely' and never rocking the boat. A real eye opener.

I think you've answered your own question in your OP - and when your inner voice has spoken, it's beneath you to do otherwise. Good luck! 🍀

SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 14:09

Forgot to say...before the summer holidays come along... tell them to make childcare arrangements as you're not an option.

Or give them 5 days in the summer you can help out.

The more your DH and soon your own DC see you being taken advantage of...they'll start to do the same.

If you try and respond...they'll tell you how you're fine being used by your sisters though aren't you.

Don't let your DC see this weak trait.

OrdinaryGirl · 12/04/2019 14:10

Also, I don't usually like these, but....

Need advice on how to say no to family
Cornishclio · 12/04/2019 14:12

They are taking advantage of your good nature. You have helped often but don't want to do it so much. Either withdraw a bit, make arrangements for school holidays or say you are just not able or willing to do it so much. It is not your fault they took up with useless uninvolved dads and are single parents

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/04/2019 14:23

OP you are NOT to blame for their lives....You are NOT responsible for their actions..It is Not your problem....However what Will happen is you will make yourself ill and also at the same time your marriage could go down the pan and your kids hating you for not having time for them cos you are being a door mat for everyone else...your choice really..your family and marriage or them? It really is that simple....Dear Siblings..I have had enough there is not enough hours in the day for me anymore..I am sorry I love you all but I am done with the childminding....Sort yourselves out from now on cos I have done enough...Best wishes .....end of ....you have to do this OP its ridiculous....

Hanab · 12/04/2019 14:30

Send them a bill!

Nothing is free in life and they need to be responsible adults and look after their kids.. let them pay childminders, nannies whatever ..

Yes there is going to be backlash but G-d forbid your hubby gets fed up and leaves! Who is going to be YOUR support?

You have kids of your own .. if you can find it in you to say I am unavailable yes they will be upset but you honestly need to dedicate more time to your own family!

Original poster
dorkygirl369 · 12/04/2019 14:33

I should point out my daughter's come with me most of the time and spend time with me and their cousins, but we don't get a lot of time as a family unit and I think thats equally so important.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 14:33

Their marital status and uninvolved Ex husbands are not your problem.

I really hate it when others try and make their problem your problem.

A friend told me about her friend in a similar situation. Her DH got do fed up, he would leave for days at a time and come back late in the night, as her sister began leaving the kids overnight in the school holidays.

It wasn't until he would return and took their DC over to his parents for a couple of days that she put a stop to it.

The kids were fed up with their toys being broken and the DH said it was so chaotic.

It took being home without her DH and her DC, but with her sisters DC to stand firm.

mummmy2017 · 12/04/2019 14:38

Tell them, we have decided unless I offer there will be no babysitting at all.
This summer I intend to go away with my DC and DH.

Then just keep saying that won't work for us.

ConfCall · 12/04/2019 17:25

I feel sorry for your husband. If you continue to be a doormat, prioritising them over him, it will have a knock-on effect on your marriage. You need to start saying no. “Sorry, can’t do Saturday/Monday/whatever” will suffice.

DowntonCrabby · 12/04/2019 17:35

This sounds suffocating, you will have to become much more assertive and immune to any emotional blackmail.

I’d message them saying no more babysitting for x months (to see you through the summer holiday) and you’ll rethink after that, that you need to do this for your own mental health and for your own family. Then STICK around it, do not be guilt tripped into “just one day” or “just xyz”

Even if it’s not in your plans could you say that you are considering going back to work and will be busy job hunting?

What do your parents think about the situation?

could you move a hundred miles away?

Musti · 12/04/2019 17:40

You know what? Since your sisters are in the same boat they can take turns babysitting each others children whilst they go out and also babysit yours too so you can go out and have some time with your husband. Can't believe the cheek of them!

Yellowcar2 · 12/04/2019 17:57

I would just be blunt and say no and if they are will to cause arguments then that's up to them. I'm sure they will miss you more than you will miss them.

Singlenotsingle · 12/04/2019 18:00

Just say no! It's a saying, used to be applied to drugs but you can use it for anything.

Xenadog · 12/04/2019 18:34

OP, in the nicest way possible, grow a back bone! Your sisters don’t give a monkeys about you, they really don’t. Their own situations are not your responsibility and whilst it’s very generous to help out when is it ever reciprocated? If it isn’t then you’re being used.

Just say no the next time you are asked to do something. If they moan or call you selfish then leave or tell them to leave if they are at your house. People treat like you dirt only if you let them.

It really is this easy. Once you start to become more assertive it really doesn’t get easier.

Xenadog · 12/04/2019 18:35

It does get easier not doesn’t.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2019 18:42

Why don't the pair of them babysit each other's in turn? There's no way I'd do it all the time if they expected me to.

Drum2018 · 12/04/2019 18:53

You have to put on your big girl pants and just say No. You don't need to explain yourself or make excuses. You were not put on this earth to pander to other people, family or otherwise. Take back your life. Let them be pissed off - just don't listen to their ranting. Tell them that your half term plans have changed and you can no longer mind their children. Just do it. Tell them you are no longer going to let people take advantage of you, you are not a childminder and you will continue to play a regular aunts role in their kids lives as opposed to being their skivvy. It's up to you to change as they certainly won't while they have you to walk all over.

Bagpuss5 · 12/04/2019 19:00

Everyone believes they are a nice person. You are nice because you look after other people's children for them, however yr siblings probably don't appreciate that you are nice, instead you are a lazy person with time on your hands who might as well have their DCs to look after too, as you aren't doing anything of consequence, anyway. Also, they have no respect for you as you are a complete push over, and your DH's views don't matter to them either.
So continue being taking advantage of and disrespected or stand up for yourself and put YOUR feelings first. You don't want other kids round so tell them.
In the long term (after the tantrums) they will see you as someone with a life whom they will treat with respect.
Win win imv.

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