My husband is moving out. I need to make a plan!

[Simonfromharlow]

So tonight after a period of strained living we've decided my husband should move out. He says trial separation but I've never known anyone have a trial separation that has got back together, so for me this is long term. I am a SAHM and we have 2 ds ages 2 and 7.

I kind of knew it was coming but it's obvs still a shock when it does come. I need to make a plan to feel like I have some control over this.

So...... what do I need to do?

Trial separation, my arse! This is code for I'm Too Much of a Coward to Come Clean to My Spouse That I'm Either Already Shagging Someone Else or Want To So I Want to Keep Him/Her and My Family on Backup In Case OW/OM or Other Shag Doesn't Work Out.

You don't take a break from your marriage vows and expect to go back hunky dory.

He's having you on.

I'd file for divorce. My bet is he's already cheating and will couch as 'just met her', 'never expected it'. Seen it happen loads of times. Wouldn't tell him, just see a solicitor.

He literally told me tonight then stopped talking so I really done know what's going on.

I have a feeling you may be right. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. I feel like I believe him as when we got together he was very sweet and naive, but I also get a gut feeling that there could be someone else. He has changed in the last year or so. He works in London and does a lot of client stuff in the evenings. Easy for him to see someone else with me being none the wiser.

He told me he wanted to leave in November then backtracked. Today after being fed up with walking on eggshells I asked him what he was doing. He said he wanted to move out for a bit and I said ok. I think I shocked him. He was expecting it.

*wasn't expecting it

He's seeing someone else. Bullshit he backtracked. It didn't work out with OW. Move out for a bit, my arse. But I'd just work on gathering whatever financial evidence and evidence of unreasonable behaviour I have in general, see a solicitor and get him out the door. He's expecting you to put up with his shit until he sort out things with OW.

Trial separation I. E. Seeing if it works with the other woman?

Nah mate, sorry. Off. You. Pop.

I need to get more info from him tomorrow. See what he's playing at.

Whatever the reason i don't really think trial separations work anyway. So for me this is it. We're getting a divorce. I don't want to waste my life with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm still young enough to start again.

What do I need to do. I don't know where to start. Obvs see a solicitor. But then what. What do I need to discuss with him re finances and kids etc.

I'd get all the info I can on him first, every financial details you can get. Keep him sweet by making him think it's a trial where he can see which direction his cock leads him, gather info, see a solicitor, see several if you don't like the first or second or third and tell him you're filing for divorce.

Put your ducks in row as the worn out cliche goes. And I really don't know why you hadn't prepared earlier.
As it is you'll have to play.mrs nice guy.
He deserves all he gets if he's been unfaithful.
Sorry if that sounds terse. It may have hit a nerve.

I hadn't prepared earlier as I'd told myself this wasn't happening. Stupid maybe but who wants to think their husband will leave them?

No-one wants that if they're happy. You best find out what's really going on. It's necessarily another woman but there's definitely something going on.

I think he's having a midlife crisis if I'm honest. He's nearly 40 and feels he is wasting his life. Cheers mate

I'm not prepared to wait around for him to decide what he's doing

It sounds like he thought you’d beg and plead. Make sure he moves out completely ASAP. Don’t allow him to backpedal. You don’t need the stress of his presence or the eggshells. He should take the boys elsewhere for visitation.

You are wise to take control and move on. The nerve of him thinking he can swan off to find himself, expecting you to dance to his tune until he makes a decision. Make it for him and see a solicitor. Leave him in the dust.

You and your sons deserve a healthy, peaceful home.

Decide what you want re kids seeing him and how often, what you put in place now will be hard to shift from once a routine is set up I.e. do you want to share them 50/50 or him just see them once a week etc. Maintenance will be also worked out on who has them and on how many nights. Don't make the mistake I did of going along with things you don't feel sure about just to keep the peace. Stand strong from the off, he's had a while to plan this so he's already a few steps ahead of you. I guess there's a chance that he's already seeing someone else so be prepared for him to quickly become unreasonable and not at all like the man you've previously known. Get yourself to a solicitor and find out where you are financially. Stay strong, you'll be ok

Sorry this is happening OP, but i’m Glad you see that you need to start getting things sorted now.

Step one is see a solicitor. They will tell you what information you need to gather and what you’re entitled to.

Start thinking about how you’re going to get back into work - do you need to retrain? The good news is only one set of nursery fees as the other is in school. Make sure you talk to your solicitor about how to make DH pay his fair share of the fees so it’s not all on you.

-Make sure you have all credit card numbers and info.
-Have all bank account numbers and info.
-Get some cash and open a new bank account in YOUR NAME ONLY, even before any joint accounts are closed.
-Try to get a pay stub so you know what his salary is.
-Change the locks on the doors and install deadbolts. Say it is for security now that you are there alone with two small children.

• Get a good lawyer and give him all the financial information.

He has changed during the past year, planned to move out in November and again now. You’ve had ‘strained living’ and eggshells. He has obviously disengaged, so an OW is possibly hovering.

Regarding contact, I would be firm that if there is someone, he must not introduce her to your sons until you give the go-ahead. For a smooth transition, children must establish stable routines at both homes without new partners present. Child psychologists advise that new partners should not be introduced to the children for at least a year.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.
Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.
While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.
Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.
50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.
Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)
Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Sorry that's what I normally post for divorce. Unreasonable behavior will work if he's having an affair, otherwise you'll have to agree something.

Thank you for all this great advice. Taking it all in!

Don’t tell him you’re seeing a solicitor. Google divorce solicitor in your area now. You’ll get reviews come up. Pick one that has a 5 star review rating. Pick one in your local area so that you can go see them easily. Good ones will do a free half hour meeting. Book 3 up to see. Then you can choose which one you like best. If he goes to see somebody then you can’t see them. That’s why it’s important to get in first with the good ones. When you find one ask for a deed of separation. Do not move out. Make him move out. Gather as much financial info as possible.

Come over to the divorce board, you are not alone. Men seem to think that they can opt out of marriage vows when things aren't as exciting.