Help me tell stbxh to finally fuck off

[Howtotellhimtofuckoff]

So, after reading numerous threads and literally surviving on the advice I need to ask for help myself.

Background: stbxh of 18 years, 23 years together, left 3 years ago, after an emotional affair with a colleague 13 years younger. I could see it coming, he followed "the script" and was sleeping with her 4 days after leaving me and DC (13 and 10).

Since then he has refused to stick to any set pattern of contact (blaming his shift pattern) and sees the DC as and when it suits him. He has completely given up any parental responsibility unless it fits with his plans and as they are both now teenagers, makes arrangements directly with them.

We are still going through the divorce process via court because he is insistent on not sharing his pension, has dragged it out another 18 months since judge ordered a pension sharing report by ditching his solicitor.

Whilst I have felt devastated since he left I have struggled to feel really angry - I'm having counselling and acknowledge this is due to my upbringing which is a whole other thread.

The reason for this thread is the straw which has finally pissed me right off but I cannot articulate to him just how upset I am.

STBXH asked if he could have same holidays as last summer (first week of school holidays) I agreed and have booked our summer holiday commencing end of 2nd week of school summer holidays.

He now informs me that they will be back 3 days after our holiday starts.

This is because he didn't check the school website, but checked the council website which doesn't include school specific inset days. ( which incidentally are ALWAYS the last three days of summer term and have been since oldest DC started at the school 6 years ago.)

So...somehow I have found myself agreeing to my DC flying from one location to my holiday location a day after their holiday should be starting at a massive financial cost to me (wasted flights already booked) and huge emotional cost to us all - not all setting off together, one DC in particular adamantly not wanting to go with their father but having to facilitate the flight of younger DC....

Basically I am beating myself up for not telling STBHX to fuck off and rearrange his holiday
as he fucked up the dates.

Why am I still so afraid to tell him how I feel??

Can anyone help me draft a suitable message please?

Tell him the one dc is not happy to go so other dc also won’t be going. Don’t waste money facilitating his stupidity. Do your holiday and don’t allow dc to go with him. About time he wished up and realised that he needs to be more careful. Idiot bloke.

Yes you do need to tell him to fuck off. The dc are old enough to make a decision and if one doesn’t want to go anyway then tough shit. By the sounds of it you’re the primary carer anyway.

I’d sit down and talk to the dc, find out exactly what they want to do and go with that. If they’d rather not fly between destinations tell your ex that he can’t have them that week. If they do want to go with his plan then tell him he has to pay for it. His fuck up for him to deal with.

Going forward I’d also map out when he has the dc. Give him the option of eow and certain weeks during the school holidays. It would be a good idea to agree this with the dc if you feel they are ok with being involved in the process. Then give him a list of all the dates, it’s then up to him. If he doesn’t turn up then that’s his loss. Anything outside of these dates is a no go. Not only is he messing up your routine, imagine what it’s doing to the dc. Time did you to put your dc and yourself infront if him

Come on you can do this! You've got to get angry. As long as you keep playing doormat - he'll walk all over you. Bite the bullet!

Just say. You have made yet another mistake, which has made me have a re think and I have decided not to let you and your inability to organise your time with the children impact on us anymore. The children are coming with me on holiday as planned so won't be coming with you. We are not putting ourselves out for you any more.

Minty T has said it perfectly. No need to find your anger , just state your facts calmly . And without compromise. If necessary, include the DCs .

He sounds a nightmare. I’d text something like: Despite my best efforts I have not been able to find a way to make the dates you have booked work due to your error re. start of school holidays. Myself and the kids will have to go from here on our previously booked holiday as planned. If you want to reschedule for later in the holidays or even May half term then let me know.

Frankly he doesn’t have to make any other accommodations (with his employer etc) for looking after them in school holidays so he can suck this one up. This is at least 3 months away so plenty of time to rearrange.

MintyT and thatnovembernight have said it perfectly. Copy their messages and send something similar. Dig your heels in. Explain what’s happening to your DC. You are primary carer. You get the main holiday. Why should you have to faff around. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to run around after him anymore.

OP. I realise you are rightly angry and upset. The court proceedings will be having a toll and causing additional stress. However I would urge caution in acting on these feelings whilst this is going on.

I don’t know if contact has been settled or were you are with that in relation to legal proceedings. But a message telling him you will not let him see his children could come back on you. Even if it doesn’t this isn’t going to help your children cope with things. This is about them and they are being put in the middle of an argument. All of their holidays and any enjoyment will be spoilt if it causes more upset between you both. Your eldest may we’ll be saying he doesn’t want to go. That’s not unusual in these situations but he might be unable to tell you how he really feels about his father. Whatever has happened he loves his father.

So unless I am reading this wrong this is a genuine misunderstanding about the timings which would have been identified sooner if you both communicated. There seems to be some compromise but it is unfair you pay for the new flights. It should at least be a shared cost. This is what I would ask him for.

This has bit been caused by a failure of communication but by the OPs ex not checking details properly like an adult would. Why should the OP be running around double checking if he has realised the dates are right? I agree that the message shouldn't be 'you can't see them', but a well worded one that makes it clear that HIS mistake has caused an issue and that her prebooked holiday should not be affected as a result is perfectly reasonable. Why the actual fuck should the OP be sharing the cost?,
OP I get it, I do. I keep facilitating my exs crapness about contact fitting round his wants / needs too but you have to stand up to him in this. Try to separate it from the financial issues in your head.

It’s both their faults because the first week of the holidays is technically not from the last day of school in this case. The OP arguably knew these dates were not the same which would a reasonable assumption for a lot of people to make. Either way it’s far from a good reason to stop contact and could look like obstruction by the OP.

But the main thing is not put the children on the middle of the fallout which what telling him he can’t see his children will do. Allowing him to go to court and to try to get an order compelling the OP to comply with his working hours.

The OP didn't assume the dates were the same. She checked with the school calendar. His half arsed approach has caused the problem and if he had a scrap of decency he would admit that and change his plans. I agree that the kids shouldn't be caught in the middle but the problem there, as I frequently find with my ex, is that I end up doing he wants so that they don't notice anything. It's not on, especially when the op does every bit of meaningful parenting and he is trying to be an arse about money.

Why should YOU pay for HIS mistake?

Your holiday is booked. That's it.

Send him an email saying you've check the bookings and unfortunately they can't be altered so therefore your dates are fixed. Don't advise him on what he should do about his dates, don't even mention it.

Selectively misremember agreeing to move/change bookings as agreeing to check if you can move bookings, which is what any reasonable person would have done / asked to be done.

No debate. No back and forth. No finding solutions for him. No even commenting on his solutions. All you say is you've checked the details and you can't change anything so you and children will be flying from X airport on date, returning on date. No apologies, no emotion, brief facts. The closest to a sorry from you would be use of the word "unfortunately" when you tell him the flights and hotels aren't changeable.

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice, @Angrybird123 you have it absolutely spot on and so many times I have gone with what he wants so that the DC don't know how crap and flaky he where they're concerned.

This time though it affects us all and there's no keeping it from them as they will be the ones not travelling with me as planned, but "meeting me" at our holiday place the following day.

He's not asking me to change my booking, just that they will have to fly from X (his holiday) to Y (my holiday). I lose money because I have already paid for their outward flights from the UK and will have to get to Y's airport to collect them and return to our resort.

It is his blasé assumption that this will all be fine with us because it suits him which is really pissing me off.

There is absolutely NO suggestion of me saying he can't see them, just that I do not want our pre-booked holiday to be mucked about because he can't check the right details.

@MintyT and @thatnovembernight - thank you, I like the wording of your suggestions. Short and to the point. I have discussed with eldest DC who really wants our original plans to stay unchanged, he said he will speak to younger DC as they will tell him how they really feel, rather than telling me what they think I want to hear

@LemonTT - there is no arranged contact schedule currently, nor will there be because it doesn't suit him to have to consider other people in his plans. He might have youngest DC after school for tea 1-2 a week, then an overnight once a fortnight on average, always when convenient to him and with very little notice. EOW etc doesn't work because of his work pattern. Eldest DC goes very rarely. I would love it (for DC) if he wanted to see them more and showed more interest.

I am absolutely the main caregiver, he doesn't even have a permanent place to live (my fault apparently because I am dragging the divorce on for so long )

I am not acting on my feelings regarding the divorce and ongoing financial debacle here, but on my feelings of having been treated this way by him for far too long. And his arrogant assumption that we will fall in line with what he wants AGAIN.

Truly, thank you all, I will update with what I send and his response. I feel stupidly nervous about sending him this message, don't know why, what's the worst he can do, shout at me??